Tuesday, February 12, 2013

We're....Back??

From what the other half of this blog tells/told me some months ago, we're maybe back, when we feel like it that is, so here's a quickie on my behalf:

I just rang in my thirty-FIRST birthday by having no job and a newly adopted kitten, which I guess was some kind of bullshit twofer deal, since I also adopted his ringworm. For the amount of money spent on vet visits this past month, I could have gotten a legit designer kitten like the ones I see at the flea market by my parent's house in Florida. Google "bengal kitten" right now, do it.

There was a sweet 3 month period where I was a grownup and had mucho dinero in el banco and health insurance that lasted just long enough for me to go get a checkup and have my doctor confirm my theory that I am in fact, going to live forever. Life was good! Now I pretty much dedicate my days to taking pictures of my cats, making up awesome 90's outfits and going to the gym so my boyfriend/sugar daddy keeps supporting me until the state of New York decides to start paying me unemployment, at which point I will retire to the couch and Doritos and Battlestar Galactica (into that too now).

Maybe I'm 31, maybe I have that parasite that makes you love cats and need all the cats ever and maybe I'm "cat people" now, who cares. Picture below of a recent convo betwixt myself and Shannie pretty much sums it up.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Aaaand We're Back (Maybe)

Hey there "fans" of this blog. Did you miss us? Do you care? Well neither do I. But last night I suddenly remembered that this existed, and after taking half an hour to remember the URL, looked through our old posts and got nostalgic. It's been well over a year since either of us wrote about how hungover we are, and since then I've moved to Los Angeles and Jenny moved in with her boif. So I guess we're growing up ...sorta. We still hang out with young skaters and drink magnums of cheap wine, but we're officially in our 30s now and I bought a car, so there's that. Before we dive back into "Boners of the Day" I thought I'd fill you in on what I've been up to this past year.

- Moved to LA. Already mentioned that, and will probably write a longer post about this later. But in short I will say that I love it here, minus all the fedoras.

- Got an iPhone and joined Instagram. Swagger. It only took me 8 days before I lost the iPhone, but I got it back. Thank you karma.

- Witnessed two riots related to skateboarding. Were you all aware of how insane the LAPD is? Because outside of Denzel Washington movies, I was not aware of this fact.

- Listened primarily to trap shit. I would have to say that my rap intake has gone up 900% in 2012. Along with my use of the word "ratchet."

- Took up boxing. Fuck wit me.

- Was surprised by my friends on my 30th with a black stripper named Silk. Do you know what it feels like to have fake sex with a giant naked black man wearing nothing but a horse hair wig on his dick while 30 of your friends stand over you taking photos? Because I do.

- Went blonde.

- Finally watched that "Gangnam Style" video everyone's been talking about. When I first saw it, it was already at 300MM video views. My brain can't visualize that many people, and I mean the video was amusing and all but it's up to 500MM views now which is completely incomprehensible to me. The internet is a nutty place. NUTTY.

That's it for now, mostly I just miss my best homie Jenny and wanted to start this up again so we can post inside jokes that are only funny to the two of us. If you find them funny as well then you are either crazy, obsessed with skaters, like fart jokes, or all of the above. So welcome back to "Everyone Gets Laid."

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sexplanations

Now that I am 29 years old, I read mags like Seventeen and totally relate. I can afford (almost) all the clothes, and the makeup and hair shit is all from the drug store! Magazines with articles about "Politics" or "world" or "environmental" issues? That's not gonna help "get my crush to notice me" now is it. Whilst reading today, I came across an advice column and since decided to compare Seventeen's answers with my own. And I wish I could take credit for the title of this blog post, but Seventeen's got some serious headline ninjas working for them. I can't compete with journalism like that.

Q: I'm not ready for sex, but sometimes I get so into a hookup that it's hard to stop. Help!
Seventeen Says: It's a signal you're leaving your comfort zone, bla bla bla, I stopped reading.
Jenny Says: I'll respond to this as I always respond to inquiries about my alcoholism and drug abuse- Nobody likes a quitter.


Q: I feel bad when I stop a hookup. Is there any point at which you owe a guy sex?
Seventeen Says: The answer is always (in Italics, they're serious) no. He will be okay and you will too.
Jenny Says: Mmm I dunno which Seventeen staffer came up with that little knowledge nugget, but the answer is yes. When he buys you things.


Q: I've heard some girls have anal or oral sex to keep their virginity. Does that count?
Seventeen Says: Technically yes, but youse a ho. And you can still get STDs from them jams, I got two words for you gurl- Gay. Men.
Jenny Says: Okay that last part was me, not Seventeen, but it's a true story. And yeah it counts, but kudos on dodging the baby bullet! Teenagers are so smart.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Boner of the Day

Heath Kirchart, mega-babe. My coworker sent me a Heath outtake video the other day and I had to tell him spank you because it resulted in my looking up pics for an hour. Also made me remember that I need to start hanging out with older skaters again rather than 21 year olds because they can actually afford shit like motorcycles and food that's not from from a bodega or White Castle (not that there's anything wrong with that). I also highly recommend watching the old episode of Epicly featuring Heath because dude is a total weirdo going through a steampunk phase. I'd still hit it, obviously.






Friday, June 24, 2011

"Hey Dude," A Boning Breakdown

This show really put the jam in my donut when I was a kid, to the point where I was positive when I  was old enough to work for actual employers instead of my slave-driver parents, it would be on a ranch riding horses surrounded by bangin dudes. What really happened was I worked in the bakery at a grocery store for slave-wages and smoked cigs out back on my 15 minute break every four hours. But here's how I would have broken it down at the Bar None.

Mr. Ernst. What's sexier than a doofus accountant/single dad with a teenage son? Yeesh. Pretty much anything, Ernst is definitely the caboose on the dude ranch boner train. I get the feeling his idea of "crazy" sex would be "lights ON," but then again, take a gander at all of those whips and saddles he's got laying around the ranch...maybe the S.S. Kinky has yet to set sail.
Still a no.


Brad. I used to be a crazy tomboy (shocking, I know) and all I wanted to do was be Brad. She was rich! And a babe! And rode horses! And I was not rich. And had braces. And rode a Huffy. Fucking Brad, you bitch. You may be the poor man's Kelly Kapowski, but you'll always be the number one filly in my stable.

Ted. Yeah, he wins. Look at those Tedroom Eyes. THANK YOU AND I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS! Try the lobster bisque.

Jake. For a minute I was all who is this Jake person and then I remembered I totally wanted to hit it with this smug L.A. turd. A Menage-A-Ted seems totally in order.

Danny. Why hello there, obligatory minority. Is it me or is "Danny Lightfoot" the most uptight injun ever. What a wet navajo blanket! He's always all, "Rules, hard work, you raped my land, bla bla bla." Nothing is hot about having a totem pole up your butt, Danny. I bet he'd be way more chill if he hit that peace pipe erry now and then. Okay, I'm done with the racisisms and would definitely hit it with Dann, chaaa-ching (that's the sound of slot machines at the casino we live at).

Kyle. He always seemed a little in-bred or something to me and I've never really been into blondes. That being said, Menage-A-Ted? Eh? Anyone??

Lucy. The muff-dive vibes I'm getting from from Lucy are through the roof. This might be the one-hitter talking, but I get the sense she's got a beaver boner for Brad. Like a mentor/mentee(?) thing. Man did I just gross myself out. Lucy's not for me though, I'm notta milf hound.

Melody. Man was the right pony to bet on or what, watching her in "Zoolander" (great flick) the other day was the inspiration for this post. She was the goody-goody/nerd of the show if I remember correctly (and I probably don't) but you know Mel gets freaky deaky with the closest thing to a black dude she can find (Lightfoot) to rebel against her parents back in Connecticut.


Buddy. I uh...read Tiger Beat for the articles, I swear... But real talk, it was a dude ranch, not a statutory-rape ranch, the only action Buddy is getting is from Rosie Palm and her five friends. And maybe Kyle.
Digging up pictures of these motherfuckers was no joke, so I hope everyone appreciates my hard, stoned work. And ted's in like every one. Not mad.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Boner of the Day

Chris Pontius. Man, I have been burning a boner torch for this dude damn near a decade now. Sure, Johnny Knoxville was the prettyboy face of Jackass and don't get me wrong, I would tap that ass like Morse code, but Pontius is the real meat and potatoes of that show. Last night I watched a mess of Wild Boyz episodes, which I missed the boat on first time around due to not having cable for the past ten years of my adult life, and I fell in love all over again. I feel like hanging out with him would just be one big hilarious party all the time and who doesn't like doing it with hilarious party animals? Not me. That's who.


Monday, June 13, 2011

VIDEO CRUSH

Shanon sent me Robyn's "Call Your Girlfriend" video last week....and since then, learning the dance she does is pretty much all I want to do with my time. The song itself is kinda fucked up, but if my boif called me and was all "Hey I'ma start bangin Robyn now, sor" I'd be miffed right up until I watched this jam and then gracefully bow out cause this shit is SO. GOOD. And it holds a special place in my heart, for reasons threefold:

1. This is a signature move of mine, that I maybe coined while on a mess of MDMA in my friend Megan's basement in Philly. What can I say, I love all things air-punching.

2. About 7 years ago, Nicky had a graduation party at her parents house where Shanon proceeded to get epically drunk. Things got...sloppy, but the highlight of the evening was definitely when Shanon did a solo act on the lawn out back of this move. Ahead of her time, that one.

3. I kinda feel like this is just how Gandy dances always.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

TMNT - A Boning Breakdown


Leonardo
AKA Buzz Killington. He may be the self-proclaimed "leader" but I don't like any self-given titles unless it's something like "party shark" or "sir farts a lot." He might as well put those katanas up his ass cause that's how stuck up he is. Pass.

Donatello
Nerd alert! I always liked Donatello because he could probably invent whatever I wanted, like a robot that makes me sandwiches. But he's a little "too attentive" to his brothers, if you catch my drift. I'd totally be his beard though. Cause he's a gay. With a bo staff.

Rafael

What a moody, anti-social, quick-tempered little bitch. Yes, please! I will hate fuck the shit out of him as he will inevitably break my heart. Yeah, I just said a turtle's gonna break my heart. I also appreciate the threesome potential with him and his best homie, Casey Jones. And the sai? I like any weapon that doubles as a fork.

Michelangelo
He skates, he surfs, he eats pizza, he parties, honey-badger don't give a fuck! I'd totally hit it ...after I wiped "cowabunga" from his vocab, that is. I'm also totally down with the nunchucks, or nonchaku if you want to get technical. Whatevs. Long story short, Michaelangelo is fun on a bun and totally bone-able.

Splinter
No thanks. I remember in "Secret of the Ooze" when they're all at April's house and someone says "What's Splinter been doing on the roof all day." And all of sudden he appears on the fire escape and goes, "Coming ...to a decision." I would alwalys bust out laughing after that pause. Old rat balls mcgee. Gross! Jenny said I would probably go for it on account of my rat fetish, but she is horribly mistaken. Great pets, but no way in hell would I ever freak a giant rat.


Shredder
Ouch! I say that because sex with this guy will cut you up, gurl! You know he don't take any of those clothes of when he bones down. He's all acid scarred and shit. BTW I am totally crying as I write this from laughing so hard.


Casey Jones
God I have a huge boner for Casey Jones. I want to say his name like how Short Round says "Doctah Jones!" but I'm unsure now if that makes me a racist or just someone with a really weird fetish. And sure the hockey mask and stick screams rapist but we all know I'm not afraid of a little surprise sex.


April O'Neill
Sha-wing! That's what all the dudes who watch TMNT are thinking. I'm not a lady lover.


Krang
What a freak, amiright? Indisputable Ruler of Dimension X. Shrug. I cooooould be into doing that giant he uses as a body but that's too Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome for me.


The Foot
I had a huge boner for every member of the foot in the original movie cause they were all badass teenagers who stole boom boxes, skated half pipes and hated their parents. I don't really give a shit about that anymore... SYKE.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Ahem, X-Men

I turfed pretty hard Saturday night, twisting my ankle, skinning my knee, and bruising my ass. Silver lining - all my teeth are in tact. But as a result, Sunday was spent resting in the park and catching a double feature at the theater by my house. X-Men followed by the Hangover 2.

One word Hangover 2 review - No.

X-Men First Class, on the other hand, was the tits. Probably the best comic book movie ever, and yes that means better than Iron Man and the first Spiderman. Let me preface this by saying I could stare at James Mcavoy and Michael Fassbender all the live long day. But that's not why it was amazing, that was just a boner bonus.

The movie did a spot on job of giving the entire back story to the series, the best obviously being Xavier and Magneto's friendship, along with the origins of shit like the Beast (hello Nicholas Hoult, previous BOD), and Mystique. The end fight scene was also badass, unlike the previous X-Men movies which have all ended absurdly.

Oh, and it's got Kevin Bacon as the totally evil villain. Did I mention he plays a nazi ...and speaks German?! NBD. He also dies in a pretty sick and twisted way. I mean, spoiler alert, but come on the villain always dies (except for Shredder in TMNT and ok maybe a few others).

So anywho, go fucking see it. And now what we've all REALLY been waiting for. Pics of Fassbender lookin hot as shit.