Friday, July 31, 2009

TGIF

You know what's a boner killer? Having to sit at your desk while all your homies are out getting sloppy. I guess this is only fair being that I spent a month going to the beach, drinking myself stupid every night, and being an overall degenerate. Karma. What a delightful bitch you are.

Speaking of which, I helped a blind old man cross the street this morning after I watched 3 stuck up bitches walk right past him. I figure that this little stunt will get me through the weekend relatively unscathed (ie no sandwiches tossed in my face or falls that result in missing teeth).

Anyway, I want to drink so bad right now!

Here are some songs for you dingleberries out there. Happy Friday.

Cold Cave - Laurels of Erotomanic (such a killer song)

Beach Fossils - Daydream (this song makes me want to get romantical)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

This Guy

I stumbled across this gem of a photo whilst looking at my buddy Alex's blog, Peanut Gallery. Even though I can't take credit for taking it I just had to share because imagine if you fucking looked like Obama ...but you are in fact a Puerto Rican gentleman. Take a minute to digest that one.

Personally I think that if Drew Barrymore and Justin Long procreated, their brat might look something like myself. But they certainly don't have a 5'10" child running around there so I guess the world will never know.


Amendment: Jenny just reminded me that I do, in fact, look like Conan O'Brien's child. We tested this theory out, oooooh about 7 years ago when we went to visit her brother at Penn State. It was my first time at a for real frat party and the keg line (I know, what?) was so long that I finally decided to push my way to the front. When "bros" (in the literal sense of the word) started giving me shit I turned around and said, "Lookit, I'm Conan's daughter!" It was like my open sesame to the frat kingdom gates.

Humidity Can Suck It

I feel like I am living in the fucking armpit of a rainforest right now, it is that humid out.

Humidity is a boner killer if there ever was one. It makes me Sleepy, Grumpy, and if there were a dwarf named Sweating My Balls Off, it would make me that too. Everyone's faces are shiny and if you have curly hair, you now have a weird halo/frizz deal going on and if you have straight hair, it probs looks like you combed it with vaseline then wore a hat for a week. I also have to shower more than once a day, which bugs me because I only like taking off my clothes for swimming pools or boffing.

The only thing humidity has going for it, is that with all this ugly hanging around, people will jump on every and any opportunity to toss back a few drinks and start kicking it with humidity's best friend, Beer Goggles.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ode To Food

At my previous place of employment our hours were from whenever-the-fuck-I-feel-like-showing-up-o'clock until happy hour time. This new job, however, has all sorts of crazy hours. 9:30-7:30 say whaaaaaa? That is totally obscene to me but I love my new job so I'll deal with it. The only thing that really pisses me off is the food deprivation that comes with working all damn day long. I don't eat breakfast because I'm rushing out the door. (Previously I would sit for at least an hour after showering cause Mama likes her toast and coffee). I have a feeling that dinner will be skipped most days as well due to the fact that Jenny will be texting me things like "hurry up triva night is starting and the open bar is almost over!"

The summary of that last convoluted paragraph is that I'm hungover and fucking starving. I'm waiting to have a lunch meeting though so unfortunately can't rush out the door and eat all the sandwiches.

Here are some things, however, that I've been dreaming about:

1. Berry pie with melted camembert cheese on top.

2. Ribs

3. A burger with a fried egg on top.

4. Pizza

5. Pulled pork sandwich

6. Any sandwich from Tiny's Giant Sandwich Shop

7. Any sandwich from 'Snice

8. Bacon on anything

Hey Ladies, Dress Better

Now Shanon & myself are no fashion gurus, and we have been known to throw the occasional Coogi sweater or yachting blazer into the mix to keep people guessing, but there are some "trends" that we simply will not condone.

Hats.
Once in awhile, a chick can pull this off, but it's rare. I was talking to my friend Gary about this and I said "I think Blossom ruined hats for girls" to which he replied "I think hats ruined hats for girls." Preach.

Ski hats are the exception to this rule because when I had a shaved head, they pretty much saved my life.

Headbands.
There is something about a chick in a headband that makes me ball up my hands into fists without even realizing it. It's not the Summer of Love, losers, and yes, it is in fact possible to get laid even if you don't do everything American Apparel tells you to.

Un-necessary belts.
Accessory-wise, I think belts are the cat's tits. I know for a fact that Shanon owns exactly one belt, but I have about 40. My problem is not with the belts themselves, but with broads who throw them on all willy-nilly, like huge ridiculous ones over a t-shirt on top of shorts or some shit. Guh.

"Liquid" leggings.
Wait, I am getting ahead of myself, first things first: Leggings. Are. Not. Pants. Their purpose is to be warmer than tights when you are freezing your mugumbos off in the Wintertime. The liquid ones somehow found a way to make this worse, by pretty much shining a giant spotlight on cellulite and assfat and other "problem areas" girls should be smart enough to camouflage.

Leggings under shorts.
Congratulations. You just made pants.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Overdue Inventions

There are some things that I feel should have been invented a damn long time ago.

Hangover Pill. You know that they already have one of these and just don't want to make it available to the public because if being hungover wasn't an issue, I would probably get toe-up even more than I already do (if possible). My theory is, get some super scientists to conjure up this shit, throw it on the market, and then spend the bajillions that will come rolling in on curing something serious like AIDS or butterface.

Hoverboards. We have all seen "Back To The Future II." and we know this idea has been on the drawing board for at least 20 years so what have people been "inventing" this entire time, really.

Birth Control For Dudes.
I am all kinds of tired of carrying the team on this front. It is high time dudes got a dose of the crazy shit that hormones throws at you. The only good thing about birth control is bigger tits and my rack has been doing just fine without the extra assistance. I bet if this existed, the amount of "accidental" pregnancies would go waaaaaay down. And teen pregnancy? Teenage boys may not be smart at most things, but they know for damn sure they don't want a baby and usually don't have any of that "I want a kid so I have something that loves me unconditionally" business going on.

Really Smart Sharks. I'm just kidding about this one, but remember that movie "Deep Blue Sea" starring L.L. Cool J and Sammy Jackson? What the fuck.

Rumors Are Great

Starting rumors is funny. Not mean ones like that people have gonorrhea or have both sets of genitals (wait those are both actually really funny) but ones like they have really embarrassing tattoos or more than two nipples or a prosthetic leg.

The tattoo thing is pretty awesome because you know people judge the shit out of you based on tattoos. Here is one I have in the works for a lucky gal pal; a tramp stamp of the Tasmanian devil holding a bulls-eye. This is hilarious on many levels. People will not only assume that you were raised in a trailer in the backwoods of Kentucky, they will also probably start a whole new mess of rumors about how crazy pants-shitting drunk you must have been when you got it. Plus everyone will be trying to sneak peeks so their ass will be getting stared at constantly.

For dudes, I am thinking that if they are straight, a dude's name on their ass might be a good fit. You could have a story to accompany it, like one night he did a bunch of ecstasy and accidentally had sex with another dude and they got each others names tattooed on their ass. This would be great because then all your gay friends would try to bone down with him and you could probs talk people into pantsing him to prove validity of tattoo.

Movies I'll Watch Whenever They're on TV

1. Father of the Bride. Parts 1 or 2. Both of these movies are the shit, I don't care what anyone says. Plus it has my favorite made-up gay song from any movie - Martin Short's "Every pah-tee needs a poopah." I dedicate this song to someone at least once a week.

2. Star Wars. Duh squared. Not those lame-ass new ones though, just the originals.

3. House Party. Is there anything better than Kid 'N Play? The answer is no, no there is not. The first time I saw this movie was also the first time I realized black people are way fucking cooler than white people.

4. Harry Potter. Any one of the 5 that are currently in syndication. Yup.

5. Legends of the Fall. I don't know what it is about this movie but I'm compelled to sit through all 3 hours of it whenever it's on.

6. Last of the Mohicans. Epic! This movie is also awesome because it's the only one I know that makes every single dude cry. Believe that. That scene where the younger chick jumps off the cliff? That's the one.

7. 10 Things I Hate About You. Fuck I love this movie.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dutch Rudder

I don't know about you guys, but I love learning new sex terms more than anything. It's like opening presents on Christmas morning. The confusion when you're first like, "What the fuck is this?" Then the widening of the eyes when you figure it out and it's like a light bulb going off in your head. And finally you have this big shit-kicking grin on your face cause you know what you hold in your hands is the most amazing thing in the world. Like when I first learned what Soulja Boy was talking about in "Superman Dat Ho?" Genius.

And now enter the dutch rudder. Basically it's when a dude pulls his own sausage but has someone else move his arm up and down for him. I had never heard of this before! Andrew enlightened Jenny and me to it and we were dying. It's pretty sweet, and so's this "Betty and Me" cover (click to enlarge).

Hot Boys in Different Area Codes

As mentioned previously, Jenny, Andrew and I went to Chicago this last weekend to the Pitchfork Music Festival. It was a gay old time, as they say.

I go to several music festivals a year, but the one thing that keeps me hankering for more is the overwhelming amount of hot boys. It's like me and Jenny in a sandwich shop, only better! We even have a hand signal for when we spot them. It looks something like this only with our hands (thanks to Chris for coming up with this one for us).


I've narrowed down the hot festival dude to three easy categories for you all.

1. The hot band dudes. Oh man, is there anything better? Girls have been gettin' wet for guys in bands since before the dawn of time (it says so in the bible). In Chicago, I'd have to say the two most bonerific band guys were the leader singers of the Walkmen and Japandroids. Although I have to clarify that I really don't like the Walkmen and would only do it with him cause he's hot and seems like an asshole. Japandroids, on the other hand, I totally adore as a band and about the lead singer even said the words, "I'd totally R him," to Jenny while they were playing.



2. The hot dads. There's really nothing hotter than a hot dad (preferably single but who cares really) dancing around with his little kid at a concert. Everyone's cool in this situation - the dad for taking his kid and the kid cause you know they're going to be cool as shit when they get older. Jenny made a valid point though when she said that the window for being a hot dad is only a few years because no one wants to be the mommy of a teenager.

Anyway during the Flaming Lips we were standing directly next to a prime example of this. His kid was on his shoulders and kept yelling out to Wayne Coyne, "No one wants to hear you talk! Play some music!!" It was like this 10 year old was reading my mind grapes.


3. The hot drunk dudes. I know there are plenty of these around Brooklyn, but there's nothing I love more than spending 3 booze-filled, magical days with random dudes that are friends of friends and therefore become your best friend and you spend your time getting shit-faced with them and hugging non stop. Festivals, if anything, are all about love.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Goals!

Before I go back to work Jenny and I have goals that we're totally going to accomplish (please note that the last goal is mine alone).

1. Finish our pilot. Yes, we are working on a pilot. As of right now we have 5 pages/minutes, which, when applying our mathematical skills, averages out to about 1 page a month. This is our numero uno priority because obviously it will make us rich and famous. Duh.

2. Start a band. We're not going to let a little thing like "knowing how to play instruments" deter us in this scheme. I figure I only have to learn about 5 chords on a guitar before we're good to go. Obviously we will sound exactly like Fleetwood Mac. Only better.

3. Make a pop-up book. This may sound lame to you but we have big ideas about dirty pop-up books and when you think about it this territory has yet to be explored. So, you know, I'm copyrighting this right now for all you people trying to steal our ideas. Don't even think about it.

4. Become a professional birder. This one is Shanon flying solo. I don't know about you guys but starring at birds would be way cooler if I knew what the fuck kind they were. I may have mentioned this in a past blog already, by the way. Deal with it.

(Fuck I just found this photo, someone's already stolen our idea).

Last Days of Unemployment

I need to catch up in a major way on the mayhem that went down in Chicago this past weekend, but instead I'm going to illuminate everyone on how I'm spending the last days of unemployment. (Yes I am no longer jobless).

Yesterday my buddy sent me a sweet flyer for a day bbq for unemployed people. Say whaaaa? Unemployment is the bees knees, guys. So I went over today and proceeded to hang out with some shirtless dudes whilst they cooked not one but TWO pork shoulders. I should also mention that while I was hanging out, I drank a lot of beer, had maybe 2 tequila shots THEN proceeded to shotgun a beer. There might've been weed as well.

Yes, I am drunk right now and yes, I am a champion. I had a goal to not drink between Chicago and my friend's wedding this weekend but who the hell am I kidding.




Houseguests

Let me preface this by saying that I am not what you would call a "good" host. This is bad for my guests maybe, but good for people who I am staying with because I expect the same treatment I give them so I get really excited if they do something crazy like cook me food or have clean towels and a real bed.

Last weekend, Shanon, Andrew & I stayed with our friend Brady in Chicago, and I thought about some good houseguest rules of thumb, which we followed maybe one of:

1. Do not have sex in their apartment (unless it is with them). One time my friend and her dude decided to break out the beast with two backs during a party I had, in my bathroom. Even I did not find this funny. There is always an alley or a motel or motorcycle parked out back to use if you really mean business about gettin' your bone on.

Also, if you are the host and can't keep it in your pants, make damn sure your bedroom door is locked. And front door too. The last thing you want is to leave your guest at the bar to go get busy, only to have them walk in on you because you forgot to lock the front door. Makes for some awwwwkward conversation the next day at breakfast.

2. Make the bed you were sleeping in. I half attempted this one, but then I remembered that I never even make my own bed since I find it to be a humungous waste of my time.

3. Don't walk around in your underpants like you are at home. Woops! In my defense, my stance on pants is no secret. And what better way to get your day started then having Andrew roll up in his black manties and morning wood?

4. Do the dishes. Like we were planning on doing. Right up until we broke Rule #5.

5. Don't smoke all of their pot and then eat all their snacks. Um, okay. Just don't be us.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Trifectas

There was some great random bathroom graffiti at this bar in Chicago that I don't remember the name of because I was blown away by the "Trifecta."

In case you are like me and have never had the pleasure of meeting one before, introductions are in order; one pint Guiness, one shot Jameson, and one shot espresso. This drink cures anything that is ever possibly wrong with me. I can't believe that I have never encountered one of these in almost ten years in New York, to the point where I contacted my financial planners (Shanon & Andrew) to talk about opening up a bar specifically to sell these.

Shanon thought the idea was tits.


All kidding aside, I have swapped out my morning coffee for one of these and work is the poo now.

But I digress. Back to Graffiti Trifecta:

Of course he does, he is omnipotent.


Straight to voicemail. Hahaha, trailor snatch! Wait, "trailor"?


"Drink piss. Or don't, it's your call." Last time I checked, this decision wasn't exactly Sophie's Choice.

Friday, July 17, 2009

First Impressions

I tried to be a grown-up last night, I really did. Planned on going to a gallery opening, having some wine, some dinner, bed at reasonable hour, no hangover.

Things were running smoothly, Bennie & I started walking over to the gallery, picking up his friend Will on the way, who had just moved to the city. Will is a vegetarian and does not drink, information that would have been useful to me before we walked by the Dallas BBQ and I decided we needed some "Texas-Sized" margaritas. With test tubes of tequila shots in them. I then quickly discovered that two of these will get you completely hammered. And possibly make you think ordering a mountain of fried onion rings is your only serious dinner option.



Bennie claimed that he & his friends have never been able to take down a whole one. Sounded like a challenge to me!



A challenge I paid the price for by throwing up in the street outside the gallery...three times. And it was 8 o' clock.
We decided to walk it off on the high line, where I proceeded to send sexy drunk texts about the foliage to my plant scientist friend (who is female).

At this point in the night, most people would have tapped out. And displease the karaoke gods? I think not. I make nothing if not remarkable first impressions.

Welcome to New York, Will.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Free Sammies

So a little while ago I shared a late night encounter I had with the dude who works at my favorite sandwich shop. Since then, Jenny and I have gone to said sammie shop and run into him twice. This then led to a 9am phone call, some very interesting texts, and eventually a booty call.

Summer of Shanon has commenced.

First of all, he called me at 9am the other morning. NINE AM!! Why would anyone make a phone call at such an obscene hour? The phone call didn't get us anywhere though, as I told him I was available in the evening to hang out and he said he was available during the day. So then we hung up and the texts began.

Him: U free right now?
Me: What would we do right now? I haven't even showered yet!
Him: I could bath you. Ha. [Note he wrote "bath" not "bathe"]
Me: Hahahaha wow.
Him: I hope you laughed at least. [Did I not just laugh??]
Me: Of course. Its funny cause on monday when I really couldn't walk I was needing someone to come over and help me shower. Where were you then haha. [True story]
Him: I can come over now. Nudity brings unity. [I swear I'm not making this up]
Me: No no silly I'm in the middle of stuff. [ie chatting with Jenny and telling her all of this]
Him: Your lose! [Seriously he spelled it like this]
Me: Yeah yeah
Him: If u don't want to see me naked u can just say so!
Me: I am interested in finding out if I want to see you naked, let's leave it at that. I'm not opposed. [re: I am somewhat slutty]
Him: Ha

And then we fast forward to being drunk at Union Pool with Jenny and Andrew. Andrew and I convinced Jenny to buy a plane ticket to Chicago so it's only fitting that they convinced me to text him. Anyway the point of this story is that I was told very explicitly that I will not be getting free sandwiches. Fuck.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Cripple Index

Last night, watching Shanon hobble around with the cane she currently requires the assistance of, I got to thinking about different levels of "crippled" and how it can work in your favor.

Cane. This is minimum cripple points. You don't need a ramp, it's usually temporary, and all it ends up doing is making you walk slower, therefore annoying everyone else around you. No one even gave up their seat for Shannie at the bar last night and we were at a science club talk surrounded by nerds. Canes do have some pros; they're good for "accidentally" tripping dudes you want to get down with, pointing at things you want people to get for you, and second only to an air horn in anti-rape accessories.

Crutches. Also pretty lame, for same reasons as canes. And I always feel like people with crutches are fakers. My friend Alex & I tried to borrow a pair from this chick (who wasn't even using them) to score some sympathy drinks, but instead I got threatened with a face punch and repeatedly called a "dirty hoo-wah."

Casts. This at least was put on by a medical professional, so you know it's legit. Thanks to some crazy miracle, I have never broken any bones and therefore have never experienced a cast. I feel bad for cast-cripples though, especially in the summer when all you want to do is run around the beach and do cannonballs but instead you have to sit on the side of the pool like a pussy with your busted appendage wrapped in a Hefty bag. Casts = sympathy drinks and pity sex, thumbs up.

Wheelchair.
Now we're talking. For some reason I keep picturing Lieutenant Dan from "Forrest Gump" in that scene when it's New Years and he's making out with that hooker in his wheelchair and chugging champagne. I mean, it ended badly, but for a minute there it's totally hot. Right?

Classy Friends

Last night while eating sandwiches together, Jenny and I discussed not only why we would sleep with someone other than being horny or "in love" (ie to get free sandwiches or bikes), but also how many gross bathroom related things our friends have done.

Falling asleep on toilets. I think we counted at least 5 friends who have done this, not including ourselves. Doing this at a club or bar is obviously more interesting then doing it at home, although both are still hilarious. One time a friend of mine passed out at Studio B. I found her with her head resting on the toilet paper and her pants down around her ankles. It was adorable!

Pooping pants. I know of at least 3 people who have done this. No joke. The crazy thing about my friends who have pooped their pants is not in what state they were in when it happened. You can be shit-faced drunk or sitting in the middle of a meeting at work, the point is how can we ever be adults if we can't not shit our pants? (p.s. That is a direct quote from someone who shall remain nameless).

Peeing pants. Jenny I believe once found a friend locked out of her apartment, sitting on the stairs while eating a slice of pizza with a strange puddle around her ankles. I find that story quite amusing. Personally I've never peed myself but so help me if I ever were to become known as that kid who pees herself when drunk. This reputation is perhaps worse than pooping yourself because your friends will have to put garbage bags underneath you every time you pass out drunk. No bueno.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sissy Boy Slap Party

"I gotta go to the shop and buy some condoms. And remember, no slapping!"

This might be the greatest thing I've ever seen. It was directed by Guy Maddin too, wtf!

Uppers, Part Dos

Jenny was taking a lil' vacay in bummer city last week and now I've decided to make a pit stop there cause of this whole "not being able to walk" deal.

I will cheer myself up with the following:

1. Sunny Day Real Estate. I'm emo as fuck! But seriously this band makes me all sorts of tingly in my happy places. And guess what? They're reuniting and playing in September. Boo-ya.



2. Roseanne. It really doesn't get any better than this.




3. Hot boys. Epicly Later'd is a good site for this.



4. Hot Rod. Jenny doesn't know what she's talking about. The entire movie is funny as balls, including this part.


Burned Feet

I like to learn my lessons the hard way, and in some cases the 2nd-degree burn way. The other day a whole mess of us went to Ft. Tilden and whilst walking from the car to the beach I decided to go barefoot. It was hot as balls but I was too lazy and hungover to put my shoes back on, despite both Krishna and Rose telling me I should (they were in my hands, btw). Thanks, Mom and Dad.

So then everything's cool and typical beach radness. I peed in the ocean 4 times and got pretty drunk. It was awesome! Then we started playing football and I was like "hey there giant flap of skin on my foot, where'd you come from?"

Long story short, my feet are fucked.

I've decided to make the most of this sish and buy a cane. That seems like just the right mixture of sophisticated and invalid to me. Perfect combo for gettin' the boys, right?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Terrible T.V. Shows I Loved

Man, did I like some stupid shows in the 80's/early 90's. My parents never really regulated what I could & couldn't watch growing up, but in retrospect, they must have been seriously questioning whether or not they were raising a retard. I sure would have been.


Small Wonder.
God this show is awful. My brother was so right for beating me up when I tried to put this on. Remember there was that rumor that the kid who played Vicki's brother grew up to be Billy Corgan? Also, Kevin Arnold's weirdo BFF on "The Wonder Years" was supposedly Marilyn Manson. Is there a secret club where they sit around and make this shit up? (I would join.)




Square One.
This was a show about MATH. And it fucking ruled! What a great concept - using the short attention span of MTV raised kids and their love of music videos to sell them on math. I hated math when I was a kid (still do) but I loved this show. Videos by Weird Al, Kid N Play and The Fat Boys? Genius. I am pretty sure Square One is responsible for introducing me to hip-hop. I have been watching old Square One videos on Youtube for the last hour and this one is my favorite. Try and not pee your pants when the sax solo begins, I dare you. And hey there Fat Boys, remember when obese teenagers were funny? Sigh.




My Secret Identity.
I really have no idea why I loved this show so much, but me & my brother taped a whole bunch of episodes on BETA ( ! ) and watched the crap out of Jerry O'Connell trying to be a ninja. I had a huge-time crush on Jerry, which seems to be the logic behind most of the terrible shows I liked. He used to be kind of a pudgepot, did that make me an eight year old chubby-chaser? Perhaps. Regardless, when my Dad taped over it for a golf tournament it was one of the worst days of my life.




Out Of This World.
I am noticing a theme here, I think I just really wanted super powers when I was a kid, as I still do. Plus I remember this chick being a babe, right?



My Two Dads. And my love of ambiguously-gay homos begins.



Silver Spoons. Pretty sure I only watched this because I thought the kid was hot if I recall, but lookee me! Baby gold digger. I blame this show for putting the concept into my head that not working for anything and getting shit handed to you is the way of the world. Thanks Ricky. That's been working out really well for me.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Christmas In July

At the bar last night, Andrew and I decided to strike up a conversation with the guy in this picture in order to make moves on the attractive fellow next to him.

Turns out both dudes were riding the Batshit Express and we eventually abandoned ship, but not before having a gem of a conversation.

Why is he covering his face with his hand, you say? Well, if the career path you have chosen consists of "stealing baby Jesuses from mangers," you clearly have to keep a low profile. Since I was already about four martinis deep, I can't remember how the Baby Jesus black market could possibly be so demanding that he is able to support himself financially from it, but this was indeed the case.

Sometimes I can be a hater on NYC, but sometimes, I will go out and hear a statement like "When I only come back with only three Jesuses, it's been a bad night" and everything just feels...right.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Uppers

So I have been feeling weirdly bummed today, for weird bummer reasons. Rather than continue to piss all over everyone's party, I decided to start thinking of things that are hilarious.

1. This fucking picture.



2. Making decisions based on a Magic 8 Ball. (Toy, not sack of drugs. Although choices made using either one are usually winners.)

3. Watching this video of kids from "Silver Spoons" breakdancing



4. Keyboard Cat. Any of them.

5. Saying "Booiiiinng" about things even though I don't have a penis.

6. Watching the only two funny scenes from "Hot Rod." Boom.



7. And boom.



8. Big Box And Maru. Wait until about 1:02. I just realized there is a whole lot of cats on this list and I recently discovered cats annoy the pants off me. I could just still be bitter at the pair I was watching this weekend because they ate through my bag of pita chips in the 45 minutes I was in the backyard and I had JUST fed them and then they pooped on the rug next to, not in, the litter box. Twice. Fuck cats.



9. Lyrebirds! Oh god, my brother just sent me this video which is rad because I was just googling these dudes the other day and they are bananas.
"The lyrebird is capable of imitating almost any sound — from a mill whistle to a cross-cut saw, and, not uncommonly, sounds as diverse as chainsaws, car engines and car alarms, fire alarms, rifle-shots and explosions."



10. Seriously. This fucking picture.

Fat Vs. Preg-O

Here is something that is always funny; when people do nice things for a woman they think is pregnant but really they're just fat. I saw a woman offer her seat to a chick on the train the other day because she clearly thought the girl was knocked up. But she was really just fat and wearing one of those dresses that only give the illusion of being prego, a trend I never really got on board with because when I think of surefire ways to get a dude to hit the skins with me, "bun-in-oven" does not make the cut.

When this occurs, it is equally embarrassing for both parties involved, but highly entertaining for third party (me). It also helped me make an executive decision to burn everything I own that slightly resembles that chick's outfit and maybe even throw out everything in my wardrobe that isn't made of lycra to ensure this never, ever happens.

Monday, July 6, 2009

3,000 Midgets

Apparently there is a movement in the LP Community to get the term "Midget" banned but I really don't understand how "Little People" is any better. I mean, I'm a fairly tall chick and I would way rather be called "Giant" or something similar than "Big Person." (This might because "Big Person" makes me think of fat folk.) And hey, Andre made a whole career of being called a Giant and look how well that panned out for him.

Anyway, midgets are mind-boggling to me and I heard that there is a LP of America national convention going on this week at the Marriott in downtown Brooklyn and oh man. It said more than THREE THOUSAND little peeps and their families are expected to attend. To prepare, "the Marriott has lowered beds, sinks and ironing boards in preparation, along with a lower check-in desk in the lobby and higher stools in the bar area." Higher bar stools are important since everyone knows how much they enjoy hitting the sauce. My experience with drunk midgets has been none too family-friendly, but that's a whole 'nother story.

I was going to borrow my friend's binoculars for Shanon's gay bird-watching excursion, but instead I'm thinking I will set up shop in downtown BK with them because I have spent the better part of this afternoon trying to wrap my head around what 3,000 midgets possibly looks like and I simply cannot do it. So if you want in (how could you not) you know where to find me.

Best 4th Ever?

Yes, I think it was. Jenny and I celebrated the good ol' fashioned way - mushrooms, over 100 oz of beer (I stopped counting after my 5th 24oz can of some Canadian beer that costs a buck), a bag full of fire works and an all day music festival in Bushwick.

Yup, we went to the Woodsist/Captured Tracks/Todd P thing and it was pretty rad. There were some great bands (The Fresh & Onlys, Woods, Kurt Vile, Thee Oh Sees, bla bla bla) but the high light of my day was definitely our captured reenactment of an unfortunate fella who had too much fun too early in the day.

Jenny and I are nothing if not sympathetic to the misfortune of others.

The epic original shot.


The even more epic reenactment. Jenny is actually laying down right next to homeboy's puke. Dedication!


Everything you need to have fun on the 4th (plus some chocolate mushrooms).


Sweet outdoor spot.


The Mayfair Set. This band is like a super group that maybe 5 people really give a shit about. It's my buddy Brandon from the Crocodiles and his cutie wife Kristen from Dum Dum Girls plus that dude Mike (aka Blank Dogs) who I have yet to meet but who I kind of want to get naked with (he's the bald one).


My buddy Tim from the Fresh & Onlys plus this awesome dude who had the worst crotch sweat we'd ever seen. I'm also totally into the hot boys in the background.


Awesome dude again and my buddy Chris (who's equally awesome).


And finally a photo I drew at brunch the other day with Jenny. Haha, Harry Trotter... This shit is still cracking me up. I don't know where I come up with this stuff.

Why The 4th Of July Is Tits

There are few things I like more than holidays because they combine my two favorite things: not working & a reason to booze it up that isn't alcoholism. July 4th is my most favorite one though.

This holiday has no strings attached, which is rad. You don't have to go to church, you have an excuse for getting sloppy drunk on Budweiser, you don't have to be thankful for anything (okay, maybe that whole "freedom" business) and you get to stuff your face with bbq.

The 4th has some serious competition for best holiday, I even had to make a pros and cons list vs. Halloween & New Years. Halloween you get to dress up and that's the shit, but you don't actually get a day off work for it (lame). New Years has many of the same attributes and there's usually fireworks too, but it is just too goddam cold. Until I move to L.A. (never) the 4th of July is the pony I'm betting on.

And any holiday that encourages pyrotechnics when you're at least 6 beers in is number one in my book. My friend did get set on fire a little bit this year, but since she got extinguished more or less right away, I'm chalking that up to a win.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Remember When Playing The Sax Was Hot

I think the 90's ruined the saxophone for everyone. Specifically, Willy Clinton and his using it to help corral Lady Lewinsky into the sack when let's face facts here, a Charleston Chew and some T-Bell would have produced the same results.

Saxophone players used to be able to hold their own in the boner department; Coltrane, Charlie Parker, Stan Getz, these dudes laid down the sexy sax groundwork. Then the nineties rolled into town with its flannel flags blazing and somehow Clinton & Kenny G got passed the buck, the saxophone equivalent of whiskey-dick.

I think The Simpsons saw the way things were headed and so threw us a bone with Bleeding Gums Murphy, but it just wasn't enough to counteract embarrassments like this:



Thanks for video Alex, may all your Canada days be filled with sax.

Gay Hobbies I Could Totally Get Down With

1. Birdwatching. I used to think this was only for the "single and over 60" crowd, but actually watching birds is pretty rad. I want to be able to say nerdy things like, "Look at that Hawfinch, isn't he beautiful?" Plus it's the only acceptable hobby for which carrying binoculars is acceptable and not pervy.

2. Making pop-up books. This is funny because I could make a dirty one. The pop-ups could have captions that say things like "Boi-oi-oing!" or "insert here."

3. Tie-dying. This is actually totally not gay and in fact totally awesome and amazing.

4. Metal-detecting. I'm not sure if that's the actual term, but anything that lets me search for booty while at the same time hanging out on the beach all day whilst drinking is a-ok in my book. I'm pretty sure you have to be an old man with a beer gut and skin color not unlike a lobster, but I'm down to adjust my look if necessary.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hot Wax

So last night at the bar, after losing horribly at trivia, Bennie decided it would be a good idea to throw some hot wax at my face. This may have been a result of the "Loko Fours" we were drinking earlier (this shit is like Sparks on Sparks) or maybe it was the beers we shotgunned on the way out the door. Regardless, I was not amused. He felt really bad though and said he would buy me a cupcake in exchange for my silence about the matter. Here is the resulting contract he greeted me with. Please click and read the whole thing, it's worth it.

Thank God For Video Games

Unemployment is totally the poo - if you take too big a whiff you end up depressed as fuck. So it's times like these that make me especially glad that I boffed Fred Armisen in exchange for an XBox 360. True story.

I don't know about you but I haven't really been smitten with video games since Super Nintendo so I've basically had to teach myself all over again how to play this shit. I have only a handful of games (thanks in part to my other unemployed boy roomie) and I've learned quite a bit about them lately.

Call of Duty 2. I don't know why we only have the 2nd one but in this game I get to be a Russian who kills fucking Nazis! It totally rules but I'm way too slow and retarded to keep up with it, especially when there are suddenly a million Nazis everywhere. Now I know how the Allies felt. 

BioShock. This was the very first game I bought after I was given the XBox. In this game you start off in the middle of the ocean after surviving a plane crash and then you find this lighthouse which takes you to this whole underwater art-deco world called Rapture. And let me tell you, Rapture is scary as fuck. Pretty much everyone is a crazy zombie and the key to everything is some psychopathic bitchy little girl who's guarded non-stop by this big ol' fucker that you have to fight in the end. Sadly I have yet to make it to the end because I have to keep my eyes closed half the time I'm playing this shit.

Mirror's Edge. I've actually never played this game but my roomie is addicted and quite frankly I'm addicted to watching him and yelling at him which way to go. You play this jumper girl who jumps and climbs and swings on shit to get from building to building, all so that you can deliver messages. Ok so that sounds boring but it's actually super rad.

Grand Theft Auto 4. Fuck this game. It's the stupidest thing I've ever played. Interestingly enough the game is designed for losers with at least 72 hours of nothing to do, and while I am currently of this category I still won't fucking touch it. What a waste of my money.