Friday, October 30, 2009

Bodily Injuries

Last night I smashed my thumb in a car door. It's all bruised up and hurts like a little bitch. I'm all, "Oooh fuck, it hurts to light my cigarette, waaaaaaa." Yes, I am a giant pussy. I've never actually broken any significant bones or had serious surgery but here are some things that HAVE happened to me.

- Broke a pinky toe. What a fucking bummer. I was maybe 9 and I was running around a corner when I smashed my toe into the corner of a table. Man did it suck to put socks on after that. I'm still scarred.

- Got my tonsils taken out. Before this happened I was actually in the hospital for 4 days with the worst case of tonsilitis they'd ever seen. When I finally got them taken out, Nicky came to pick me up and I was all drugged up and fell into the wall when we were waiting for the elevator. Then I lost 10 pounds from only being able to eat liquids for 2 weeks. Sweet!

- Burned my corneas. I was the retard that didn't wear sunglasses while snowboarding. I burned my eyeballs and couldn't see for 3 days. It was during my 7th grade ski trip, the first time I had ever been on a trip with boys and thus a defining moment for a young and horny Shanon. I learned the hard way that no one wants to play 7 minutes in heaven with the blind girl.

- Smashed my face and broke a tooth. Everyone knows the story for this one all too well, I'm afraid. Learn my lesson, don't ever agree to watch Lost and take shots of vodka everytime someone says "Jack." I told my grandma that I tripped when coming out of a cab and her immediate reaction was "Did the cab driver help you get up at least?" Ohhhh grandma, you are so naive.

- Burned the bottoms of my feet. Another lesson learned the hard way - walking around with a cane does not help you get laid.

- Bruised my entire ass. You remember that scene in "A League of Their Own" when that chick slides into home and she has that giant fucking bruise? That was my first introduction to tequila.

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