Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Monsters - A Spookyness Breakdown

I know it's only October 6th, but it's Halloween month, which means I will think about costumes and eat candy and watch "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" until I throw up. And yeah, maybe I'm jumping the gun on this post but I don't really feel like doing much work today and I have been thinking about martinis since 10am, so deal.

Here is a breakdown of how spooky I find some typical Halloween monsters. Expect many more posts like this, still got about 25 days to go.

Witch - Witches are generally boring and any "monster" that has two sides, like a Good & a Bad automatically loses points. People actually want to be witches and when I think of a scary witch, like the cannibalistic one from Hansel & Gretel (because fattening kids up to eat them is admittedly, no joke), it immediately gets countered by "Teen Witch" or "The Worst Witch" and kills my spooky-boner. And you can take them out of business with a super soaker. Pussies.

Werewolf -
Now we're talking. You need a silver bullet to take one of these dudes down and who has any of those lying around. Werewolves are pretty spooky because they're regular people the majority of the time. This is why I don't take dudes home from the bar when it's a full moon. Believe.

Ghost - Okay, so sometimes I watch that show "Medium" or "The Sixth Sense" and when I try to fall sleep I think man, if I get up to take a wiz in the middle of the night, I really don't want some whiner ghost with issues boo-hooing around my apartment. Solve your own problems, ghost. Ghosts aren't scary, just annoying.

Vampire -
Sure, they are all the rage right now and I used to think they were scary as fuck but now I just want to have sex with them. So confusing.

Zombie -
So spooky. Once these guys get their brain munching mission rolling it is crazy hard to stop them. It wouldn't even be cool to be a zombie. All you do is hunt for brains to eat, you can't fly or haunt or get busy. And has there ever been a gay zombie flick? Did I just think of a new porn genre?

Mummy - I dressed up as a Mummy Mommy (pregnant mummy) a few years ago and man did that suck a serious Halloweener. White long johns and a towel stuffed in my stomach, then wrapped in gauze. Going to the bathroom was pretty much impossible and I got drunk and sweaty and barfy. So I would say that Mummies can suck it, except that one of my favorite jokes is: Your momma so old, she farts Mummy dust.

Clown - The first scary movie I ever saw was "Killer Clowns From Outer Space." Yeah, if I watched it now I would probably think it's cheesy and laugh but you know what, I am 27 years old and waaaaay too scared to. Clowns are and forever will be about a ten on the spooky scale. No, fuck that, eleven. They win.

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