Thursday, November 12, 2009

Proverbs I Don't Get

Spent most of my shower this morning thinking about how there are so many dumb proverbs out there and was subsequently late to work. These are some I just can't get behind.

Beggers Can't Be Choosers.
This is most definitely un-true. Just the other day I was telling that deadbeat Shanon to make with the free iPhone cases she's been promising me for months and she finally came through and the only color left was a hot pink one. Get that shit out of here.

Don't Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth.
Where do these magical gift-barfing horses live and why have I never seen one. All I ever see is regular, good-for-nothing horses, and the only presents I've seen them leave is piles of turds in the streets. And the only horse's mouth I would consider looking in is Mr.Ed's, since he can talk and whatnot.

Straight From The Horse's Mouth. See above.

Don't Shit Where You Eat.
I mean, I get that it's probably un-wise to take your meals whilst on the throne, but how is this a euphemism for "Don't Ride the Bone Rollercoaster With Your Co-worker."

Never Judge A Book By It's Cover. By books we really mean people, right, and of course you judge people by their looks, this is the reason internet dating is possible. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt (not really) but I'm pretty sure the chick wearing purple Ugg boots and a sassy t-shirt who is flipping through InTouch weekly and me aren't going to be meeting up to compare notes on Dostoevsky anytime soon.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold.
What? No. Revenge is a dish best served Bag Of Poo On Fire style, with a side of I Nailed Your Mom As Payback.

Like Throwing A Hotdog Down A Hallway. Not really a proverb, but I do get it and I find it hilarious, what a great mental image. One of my favorite things to do is ask people what their hallways look like when they picture this scenario. My hallway is the second floor of an apartment building, with blue carpeting and white walls. I have no idea why.

1 comment:

  1. I know this is some chick-cenrtic blog where y'all muse over tampon brands, the color of vaginal secretions and the "My friend is so beautiful" convo (they are not) but i just wanted to cue you into an interesting male proverbs, YOU WITH ME GUYS! Lets get some testosterone on the Internet for once... Can i get a hell yeah?

    here we go:

    More than three shakes and its masturbating.

    Thankfully i am happy about this rule for three reasons. One, Smelling like pee sucks, two, three shakes is never enough, and three i love jerkin it.

    If you ever see me coming back from the salle du bain assume that i am happy camper(bc that is all there is to do while camping, another proverb explained!)

    To look a gift horse in the mouth is to apraise a gift before accepting it... A horses age was measured by its ugly teeth and that is where the term "Long in the tooth" comes from.

    So to modernize:

    Don't look a hooker your friend bought you in the twat to see if she is long in the bush... Just fuck her, your friend is going to be paying for it anyhow...