Tuesday, December 8, 2009

12 Days of Christmas

This is one of my least favorite carols cuz there's too much counting, and Math and remembering shit are not my fortes, especially after I have knocked back a few eggnogs. This song baffles me even whilst sober though, since I have mixed feelings about my True Love presenting me with the following:

1st Day - Partridge in a Pear Tree. Are partridges like pigeons? That's how I picture them and I see enough of those mangy fuckers. Pears are cool with me, but a whole tree seems like overkill.

2nd Day - Two Turtledoves. What the hell is a turtledove? Some kind of bird/turtle hybrid? It would be invincible! They could attack from sea or land and has built in armour to hide in. I would pay good money to see a cockfight featuring Turtledoves.

3rd Day - Three French Hens. Throw these froggies in the ring too! They would obviously wear little berets and stripes. See how these Monsieurs measure up against the Turtledoves of Doom.

4th Day - Four Calling Birds.
Okay, enough with the birds. Is this "true love" Alfred Hitchcock or what.

5th Day - Five Golden Rings. Now were talking. I'd wear four on my right hang and one on the middle finger of my left, to flip off ringless poor people.

6th Day - Geese A-Laying. Geese are so useless. They better come with a gift receipt.

7th Day - Swans A-Swimming.
Swans are much easier on the eyes than geese, but I hear thay're none too friendly. And also, really? More goddamn birds? At this point I would start to seriously question if my true love was an Avianophile.

8th Day - Maids A-Milking.
Milking what, is what I'd like to know. Milking what.

9th Day - Ladies Dancing. Strippers! Best XXXmas ever! But nine is a whole lot, this spells catfight with a capital Me-Yow.

10th Day - Lords A-Leaping. What would Christmas be without the gheyz.

11th Day - Pipers Piping. I bet they are laying some pipe, with all these dancing ladies and milkmaids running around.

12th Day - Drummers Drumming.
Over Christmastime a few years back, my Dad somehow talked me into watching that Nick Cannon movie "Drumline" with him. Instead of all these drummers, I think I would rather ask my true love for those two hours of my life back.

What I also don't get is do all of these people work for me now? Or is it a one night stand dealie. I'm not trying to pawn my Golden Rings to pay for workerman's comp and child support for any illegitimate bastard milk-maid babies.

Thanks for this pic Gandy.

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