Portland, The Land of Tevas

I'm in the Pacific Northwest for a bit and right now I'm in Portland. Let me tell you a little bit 'bout Portland - they have great beer. There's something like 30 local breweries and they're all on tap at the bars. In fact I'm pretty drunk right now from drinking Portland's delicious beer.

Also, there are pretty attractive people out here. A bit dirty, but attractive. Everyone's covered in tattoos and most of them are vegans or lesbians, but hey, when in Rome...

Um, but the point of this blog is the tevas. Fucking tevas. I saw so many today. I really cant wrap my pretty little head around it. Do tevas help you get laid? Definitely not. Are you hiking around in the rain forest? Nope (apparently tevas are handy when doing that, I think). It got to the point where I literally sighed with relief when I saw a hot boy wearing flip flops because damn I hate flip flops but I'll take 'em over tevas anyday.

Here's a photo of a typical (non-teva) Portlander. I'm too drunk to find anything else. You know I'm actually surprised that this is my first drunk blog. Shanon out.

Which Ninja Turtle Would I Boff?

When I was a little lady Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and its sequal, The Secret of the Ooze, were two of my very bestest favorite movies. I used to think about which one I would wanna get down with cause, let's face it, turtle or not those dudes were all rad.

Rafael - He was one seriously conflicted and moody bitch, am I right? He had the shortest temper and was sarcastic as fuck, two points I can definitely relate to. He was also the hard-ass brooding type and we all know how girls love assholes.

Donatello - Donny was definitely the nerdiest of the crew (just like me!) but he was also a crazy inventor and I can't really get down with that. Smarts-wise he definitely has me beat but I bet out of all 'em he would dig on my Star Trek vibe the most.

Leonardo - Totally not my type. I mean sure he was the leader and all, but he was way too uptight and totally obsessed with justice and honor. In other words, zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Michaelangelo - I know you're all gonna think Mikey's my number one dude ... and you're totally right! He's funny as shit, is a totally awesome skater and his love for pizza rivals my own. He was way too cool for me back in the day but not anymore boo-yah! Man I'd love to get trashed with him and do some naughty things...

Michaelangelo: Ahh, ninja pizza!
Donatello: Ninja pizza?
Michaelangelo: Pizza that vanish quickly without trace!

Am I Racist, For Realsies

So I just bought a new bike, since mine got stolen (or maybe not) because this shit plays back like a sadder version of "Dude Where's My Car" in my memory.

My new bike is bright red and I decided to name him Tatanka, after one of my favorite WWF wrestlers from the 80's, because you know what, he's awesome and I think my bike can kick some serious ass too. I was telling my friend about my bike and naming him Tatanka and he goes, "What color is he?" And I said red and he says "Of course."

Then he called me a racist! Things only went downhill after that.


Tatanka's theme song is pretty amazing, though I think I will retire the dance I used to do to it when I was little. After today's incident, I should probably think twice before dancing around in a circle making a tomahawk chopping motion. Might not go over so well with the "Native American." (There's only like one left anyway, right?)

Leave It To Beaver

I was just looking up "beave" on my favorite online reference site (Urbandictionary.com) and am quite shocked as to how many times the beloved old timey show, "Leave It To Beaver," is mentioned. Do you think they know about this?

Beaver, Bush, Muff, Pussy, Vagina, Furry Taco
"Gosh Ward, you were a little hard on the Beave last night."

(This one I was like "ok, ok, totally, muff, yes, furry taco," then "SAY WHAAAA!" The only scenario in which I can picture this being said involves a trailer, neon spandex, acrylic nails, and a handlebar mustache)

A short person that looks like a 10 year old and has a short fuse that bears a striking similarity to Beaver from "Leave It To Beaver."
"Hey look! It's Beave! When are you gonna grow?"

(This one is quite hilarious. Only on Urban Dictionary would the last definition of "Beave" be the most obvious one and not the muff we love to stuff.)


P.S. - Um, helloooooo Wally.

Plan A Wedding? No Thanks.

Why are chicks so stoked on planning weddings. You know what planning a wedding sounds like to me? A whole lotta work. I already have one job that I barely do, why would I willingly do another one that actually costs me money. There are entire magazines dedicated to this business. Picking out flowers and centerpieces and candles and shit? Oh right, that sounds like waaay more fun then drinking beers and riding bikes and building forts.

We all know the only good part of weddings is the reception. Good food and an open bar, slap some disposable cameras on the table.
Boom, done.

All You Need Is Love

Tater Tots

Are these the most white trash food or what. Even the name is trashy. It's always a little White T to abbreviate the name of a vegetable. Plus they are hard to cook because they take a really long time so usually I get too hungry to wait until they're cooked all the way through so the middle is still a little bit cold? It's the worst. Regardless, I ate a whole mess of 'em last night.

I will never turn down some tots, but I will still take Hush Puppies over Tater Tots any day. Tater tots are like Hush Puppies' sleazy uncle who your dad is always lending money to and maybe he had a bit too much to drink that Christmas when he fell into the tree, but you should cut him some slack because he's had a rough time of it since Doris left and those good-for-nothing kids are eating up all his workman's comp with their g.d. "orthodontist" payments and really, I never had braces and look at me! my teeth look fine! but they're not so bad after you've thrown back a few beers and just appreciate them for what they are, in all their glory.

My Name is Shanon, and I'm a Nerd

Jenny likes to hate on a lot of things, but particularly my love of all things sci-fi and fantasy. I really don't understand some people's aversion to this shit. My room mate, for instance, will make me watch Golden Girls until my eyes bleed metamucil and old lady farts, but if I put on Star Wars its all "ummmm, are we seriously watching this?" What's the deal here? There are several incredibly awesome things that come with being a serious nerd, including the following:

- Conventions. Do all your favorite beers get together and take over a warehouse and dress up like retards on mushrooms for your amusement? Oh, and does Mr. Georgi show up and talk to you about why he's so awesome and then sign some boobs? Let me remind all of you self-proclaimed "cool kids" that even your precious It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia cast had a panel talk at Comic-Con. Truth.

- Renaissance Fairs. Jenny and I went to one of these, so she can't even front. She ate a giant pickle, found delight in the all the glorious cleave on display and totally pissed her pants from laughing when some peasants yelled at us to get off the rocks when we were trying to get stoned. That shit is a guaranteed good time.

- LARPing. I know I'm gonna have a harder time convincing you guys that Live Action Role Playing is the shit, but come ON. It's totally the shit! You get to wear fat suits and attack people with knives and axes, all the while talking like a total crazy person. I want to go to one just so I have an excuse to say to some dude "If ye do fetch me an ale, I shall love thee forever."

And Another Thing, Gay Porn

The names for gay porn websites are kinda better than the porn itself, in my opinion. Here are a few of my favorites, with their equally amazing tag lines:

brokestraightboys.com
"Everyone Has Their Price."
Gay for pay, this one is pretty straightforward. They also mention a "stimulus package." Hahaha. Package.

bananaguide.com
"It's A Jungle Out There... Let Us Show You The Way!"
Every smart gay knows to always pack their anal beads when navigating a penis jungle, so that if they get lost they can make a trail with them in order to find their way back to Boner City.

japanboyz.com
"Because Japanese Cock Is Too Good To Hide."
Ahh, the elusive Japanese trouser snake.

bearzone.com
"The First Bear Social Network Welcoming Diversity."
Hmm. Dunno if I have ever seen a "black bear" actually, kudos on cornering that niche market.

baitbus.com
"You Won't Believe What We Do To Straight Guys We Find On The Street..."
Uh, do you drug them and put them on a bus and have butt sex with them, perhaps?? I am curious about what they use for bait though.

"Oh hey there straight boy, can you help me find my puppy? Last time I saw him he was in the back of my non-gay bus that is filled with whiskey and Coors Light and Big Jugz magazine. Do this popper and we'll go to that dark alley over there, I think he was headed in that direction."

The Best Part Of Prom

What, you didn't walk in on three lesbians finger-banging each other in the bathroom at your prom? Please note the spooky janitor skulking in the background.

Emily really deserves all the credit for this photo and I actually think I may need to retire my camera after this post because it will never take a better picture than this.

I Just Did A Popper

Why, you ask? Well, my reasons are twofold:

One. I was reading gay porn and saw an ad for poppers in the back, which led us to the discovery that my friend's roomate had never done one. So we obviously had to remedy that. I have not "done" poppers for many moons (not being a gay man in 1978 and whatnot) but I find them highly entertaining. There is no way to explain how they make you feel to other people, you just have to talk them into doing one. After which we ALL had to do one, because how else were we supposed to make it through the rest of the Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon.

And Two. What the fuck do you do on Wednesdays?

Boys Are So Predictable

I was just chattin' with a buddy of mine about music and (shockingly) he doesn't like folk music so much. I said, "Well I bet you love Hot Water Music," and he said that why yes, yes he did, and how did I know that? "Easy," I said, "cause you're a dude, you're 27 and you have tattoos." In other words I can read all guys like a book. Here's some more shit that is true about all boys (ladies take notes).

1. Cursive is like their demi-god. This is so true it's ridiculous.

2. Their drug of choice is Coors Light and Jameson.

3. They prefer Americana tattoos so gypsy ladies, pirate ships, anchors, roses, eagles, etc. Anything else is a ploy to get laid, meaning it's a "talking" tattoo (ie they need to explain it and most likely drew it themselves).

4. Some of their favorite movies include Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Back To The Future, Point Break, Predator, Star Wars and The Karate Kid. (Ok these are actually just my favorites but it holds true for the opposite sex).

5. At one point their favorite skater was Marc Johnson.

6. Radiohead was "life changing" for them.

7. Custom-created Vans are their wet dream come true.

8. They have at least one scar or one fake tooth from doing something drunk and stupid, like riding a bike or, you know, walking.

9. They all know that we actually do like it when they drunkenly compliment our boobs.

"Expiration Dates"

It's funny how there are some foods you check constantly if they are expired (milk) and others that the thought of an expiration date may as well not exist (Tootsie Rolls).

I was eating a Tootsie Roll this morning and I noticed that it was unusually soft. I didn't know whether I should thank my pocket for that or if it was just a really fresh Tootsie Roll. Then I thought long and hard about what a "fresh" Tootsie Roll meant. That Tootsie Roll could have been packaged when God was a small boy and would I still eat it? Yep.

And here is a tip you will thank me for later - toothpaste expires too. My Gramps likes to stockpile shit in his basement that he finds good deals on, like detergent, windex, etc., it is seriously like Costco or a bomb shelter down there. So one day, while shopping, I came across a whole bunch of toothpastes. What I did not know was that these had been acquired sometime around my 17th birthday.

The moral of this story is; Tootsies always get the green light, but unless you are in the mood to give brushing your teeth with shit that tastes like mummy farts mixed with alka seltzer a try, check the tube.

A Few Irrational Fears

1. Raccoons. I think it's cause I grew up in SF and these guys are everywhere there, but Raccoons scare the shit out of me. I remember parking my car in the Presidio to smoke doobies and suddenly there'd be one sitting on it's hind legs just starring at me. Freaky deaky. Plus they can kill cats and look like robbers.


2. Accidental hand holding. You know what I'm talking about? When you're walking next to someone and your hands touch and it's totally awkward? Plus this always seems to happen with the most innapropriate people likes bosses and horny teenage boys you babysit for. Fuck me this photo is creepy.


3. Kids dressed up like adults. This was alright back in the 1700s when the average life expentency was 25 and people were married when they were 10, but now it's just creepsville (hence why the Amish still dress like that). Nope, I really don't like this.


4. Sexy anime. Here's a frightening thought: finding a whole bunch of this shit on your boyfriend's computer.

North Koreans Be Cray Cray

Yesterday was all about Sotomayor this and Sotomayor that, and gay marriage this and gay marriage that, but what's really grindin' my gears is North Korea. That is one seriously bat-shit crazy country. They get a nuclear testing no-no spanking from daddy (aka the US, Russia and China) and what's their response? Fire some missiles, of course. Makes perfect sence. It's like when you tell a kid they're being immature and their retort is a fart. Wait that's funny. Let me reiterate that North Korea is no laughing matter. Ok sometimes it is.

Skunks!

I kind of want to be sprayed by a skunk. My friend claims this is way worse than I am anticipating and I should probs heed his advice if I want him to continue getting sexy with me, but I really want to know what it's like!

Actually, I think I just can't wrap my head around how or why tomato juice counteracts it and showers are powerless.

I also wonder if skunks get mad if another skunk sprays them or if they're into it. It might be a turn on for them because as Pepe Le Pew has shown us, they are some horny bastards. Pepe's whole character is based on him trying to nail a cat who really does not seem to want to get down. Which is a good lesson to teach kids via cartoons.

No means yes.

Who Am I? A Summary Based Upon Amazon.com Recent Views

I just realized you can learn a lot by looking through someone's viewing history on Amazon.com. Here's mine. It pretty much sums it all up.

1. Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground. I am constantly teaching myself new things.


2. Zubaz. Jenny and I both agreed that $34.95 was far too much money to pay for Zubaz, but I'm all up for pants that are both for partying and spilling barbeque sauce all over yourself.


3. I Love You, Man DVD. For some reason I thought that Amazon sold bootlegs. I was mistaken. Have other people made this mistake? I'm thinking it says something about me, just not sure what.


4. Food processor. You know, for making my own pesto and gazpacho and shit.


5. What If and Video Days skate DVD set. Jason Lee when he was a little punk skater kid? Yes please ...No pedo.


6. A turntable. Honestly, the only point in starting a record collection (like I don't already have enough shit) is to get laid. I am often window shopping for things that will accomplish this.

Engrish Slays Me

The other night I finally decided to hunker down with my 20 pound hard-cover copy of War and Peace but uncharacteristically got distracted by engrish websites. Here are some of my favorites.

My Special Friend Cara

My buddy Cara is the subject of quite a few choice stories I have in my arsenal. I thought I would just go ahead and introduce her now, you know, get it out of the way so that I can launch into anecdotes without having to explain anything. She's quite a special lady.

I've known her since we were 14 but in answer to your question -- No, this photo is not from back in our high school days, it's from the other night! And because she's such a creative lady, she decided to turn this winning photo into a birthday card for our friend (pictured below as well). Both leave me speechless.

World, meet Cara. Cara, meet world.

Pirate Eye

I came home drunker than I planned on Sunday night and decided more than anything I needed to watch the movie "Hook."

The only problem was that I was seeing two TVs instead of one! I'm not really sure why this happens, but the TV is the only thing I see two of whilst drunk. There is only one of everything else. Anyway, I remedied the situation by simply closing one eye, therefore subtracting one television.

I was telling my friend Nicky this and she responded "Oh yeah, pirate eye" which is a great term for that maneuver and also extra funny since I was watching a movie about pirates.

I should probably invest in a pair of these to keep next to the remote.

Rape Eyes

This is a present that is as fun to give as it is to get. It is also the best way to let someone know that you want to sleep with them, other than slipping them a roofie of course. I have been known to spread these around from time to time, seeing as it is the only known cure for what Shanon dubbed DHS, or Drunk & Horny Syndrome, if you will.

The best part is, if you are handing out rape eyes, you will most likely not remember it anyways until the next morning when the stranger in your bed gets up to go to the bathroom and you look in their wallet for their ID so you can pretend you really did remember their name.

But I think even I could pick up a few pointers from this chick.

I'm Totally Addicted To Tacos

Seriously I could eat them everyday. My current favorites are the carnitas tacos from Pinche Taqueria in Nolita. There is also a very hot boy with a beard who works there. He was complaining to me about how spicy the taco he ate was and my reflex response was "suck it up, pussy." I seriously said this. Shockingly he has NOT yet asked for my digits.

But I digress (as Jenny would say). As I sat waiting for my tacos I watched another worker eating one and I thought about how I could never EVER work at a taco stand. I would eat that shit every 10 minutes and turn into one fat bitch who probably also has a mustache cause I think that's what happens to ladies when they get fat.


What's up with this photo, you ask? That's a very good question. I found it on the Pinche Taqueria website and felt the need to put it up. Roasted meat, a giant knife and a tasty delicious honeybaked ham butt. Works for me.

For All My Hungover Ladies - Fully Flared

If you've ever been to my apartment I've already made you watch this a million times but Lakai's Fully Flared was the dopest skate video of 2007. I know this makes me a huge nerd but the opening scene is simply top notch AND shot by Spike Jonze AND set to an M83 song which is like the icing on the hot skater boy cake. If you're like Jenny and too hungover to think today, watch this and reeeelax.

The Miracle Of Life

This morning I was awoken by a text that said my good buddy was going into labor. This sent me through a wave of emotions. First I felt retarded. Nothing makes you feel like more of a scumbag than being informed of a new baby coming into the world when you're still drunk from the night before and can't for the life of you find your underwear. Then I got kinda pissed. That little fetus never fucking kicked for me. You owe me, baby! But then I got stoked (still drunk, remember?) and started tearing up because they are both such rad people and they're having a fucking baby!

When I asked the daddy how the lady in labor was doing his response was "she peed herself." I guess that is really the only acceptable time to do such a thing, right? Lord knows it's not classy to do that when you're wasted.

Anyway, congrats guys.

Could I Ever Get With A Dude Missing A Limb?

If you don't think this is a question worth asking, think again my friend. I was just outside my office and I noticed a hot boy approaching. Once he got closer I saw that (woah!) he was missing his right arm below the elbow. Freaky! I mean this in both senses of the word, see, because immediately after I bugged out I started thinking about the kinky possibilities. And after conversing with my cohort about it I'm now beginning to wonder if cripples have lower expectations. So maybe I have a chance with a male-model missing some legs? You never know.

All Signs Point To Beave

If I were a betting woman, I would put good money on my cousin turning out to be a lesbian. Here's the facts:

Clothing-wise, she tends to lean towards the baggy jeans and hooded sweatshirt with sneakers look, topped off with a sizeable lady-mullet. This attire is straight out of the lezbo handbook that is standard issue when you start batting for the other team.

Speaking of bats, she plays softball! A sport second only to joining the womens' PGA tour on the dyke scale. Remember Rosie O' Donnell in "A League Of Their Own?" That casting was not by chance my friend.

She is still in high school though and no one comes out while they're in high school, especially if said school is located in the backwoods of Maine. Her prom's coming up and I asked her Aunt if she had a date. My Aunt's response: "No, she's going with friends...she's never been into 'boyfriends."
You don't say.

I Think I Might Be An 8 Year Old

What, you don't draw pictures of cartoon baby animals farting when you're bored?

My Two Moms

My mom and Noni are best buddies. They vacation all the time together (I'm never invited) and live together in the house I grew up in (where I no longer have a room or bed to sleep in). They're basically like two old maids who sit around sewing and watching Law & Order all day (unless they're on a cruise or safari, of course).

If you're still having trouble picturing this strange yet magical relationship, don't fret! I myself find it hard to fathom most of the time. Luckily for you and me they send out Christmas cards like the one below so we can fully embrace the reality that is my two moms.

My mother (left) and Noni (right) with a baby tiger (center). This was taken in Russia, btw.

Here's the inside of the card. Notice how my mother has so much to say to me. Also the "w/" never ceases to perplex me. Why did they suddenly get cheap and feel the need to abbreviate the word "with?" It's a mystery, along with how I could possibly be related to these two.

Thank You, Williamsburg Bridge

Yes, this bridge is a bitch to ride your bike over. Yes, I almost died one time riding over it at night because mostly all the lights were out. Yes, they really should put a Hasid E-Z Pass lane in.

But! The most slamming dudes ever ride bikes over this bridge every. single. day. So hot I feel like maybe I hallucinated them because I'm so freaking tired from the mountain I just rode up. Also because as soon as they cross the bridge they put their invisibility cloaks back on since I never see them the other 97% of the time I am not on this bridge.

Here's the thing about NYC; the ratio of good-looking women to good-looking men is extremely disproportionate. For every ONE moderately attractive dude you see walking around, there are about FIVE way more bangin, well dressed chicks.

Ogling dudes on this bridge is about the only time I feel justified spending the majority of my paycheck on rent in this g.d. town.

Things I Don't Like Paying For

Toothpaste. This may stem from my dislike of tooth-brushing in general, but I hate buying toothpaste. Too many options and I never believe the product will live up to it's promises. Plus most toothpaste tastes like donkey balls. I also refuse to buy toothpaste unless it comes with a free toothbrush cause then at least it's two birds, one stone.

Socks. I hate wearing socks, as I hate wearing most things you can only wear once before having to wash them. Socks are stupid looking, not sexy on anyone (okay, slutty knee socks don't count) and it is so hard to keep matching ones together. Although a good weapon can be made by balling up one and putting it inside the toe of another and swinging it like a nunchuck, I would rather steal them from boyfriends or get them as presents then pay for them myself.

Electricity. I do not like paying for intangible things! Obviously, I know electricity is needed, otherwise I would never get to hang out with my best friend, TV. But if there was any way I could steal it, I would.

Roofie Rewards Card

Sometimes when I go out drinking I will text myself funny things that I know my crappy brain won't remember.

I woke up with a text from myself that said only "Roofie Rewards Card." I have thought and thought about this and have come up with no socially acceptable scenario, but I do remember laughing really hard about it. It's like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry dreams a really funny joke then can't remember what it was and it drives him crazy.

Except all this is doing is confirming my suspicions that I am in fact a terrible person.

I Need A Henchman (Specifically Oddjob From Goldfinger)

For a long time I was on the fence between Oddjob & Jaws as my favorite Bond henchmen, but upon drunken review of Goldfinger on Saturday night, I think I would rather have Oddjob in my corner.

He is a Korean mute, can break a staircase with his hand and is a karate master. ALSO he is Goldfinger's bodyguard, caddy, assassin and driver and expert with a bow and arrow and with his sick metal razor-edged bowler hat. What this means is that Oddjob would come in handy pretty much every day of my life.

He apparently developed a taste for cats in Korea when food was in short supply...um, like most...Koreans? What??

And since he is a tubby bitch, you can probs get away with paying him in udon or cats because what's he gonna do, give you the silent treatment?

Things To Do When You're Sick

1. Watch really shitty movies. I think today might be my only chance to watch Benjamin Button but dammit if I still can't bring myself to rent it.

2. Go flirt with the cute boy at your video store. This is related to number 1. I opted not to go for the shitty "I'm Brad Pitt and look at how hot I am" flick and instead asked said cute boy what he recommends. Answer: Back To The Future. I think that secretly means "let's get it on when you're not sick and sweating through your sweatshirt," right?

3. Grab some soup from the local veggie spot. Believe it or not most hot boys are unemployed (I know, shocker) and during the day they like to hang out at veggie restaurants while studying to go back to grad school or searching for jobs on their expensive MacBooks. I wouldn't suggest trying to pick any up while sick, though, this is merely for some eye candy.

4. Walk around naked. I realize this isn't very appealing when you feel like donkey dingleberries, but unless you live alone when else are you gonna have the apartment to yourself? Just don't look in any mirrors.

5. Call your mom and make her feel guilty. This is perhaps my most favorite thing to do even when I'm not sick.

6. Think about the next time you drink and how low your tolerance is going to be! This cold is gonna save you money and, hey, maybe you'll even be a few pounds lighter from only drinking fluids. It's win/win.

Hey Scuba Diving, You Suck But The Dudes Are Hot!

Here's what I learned this weekend: Getting up at 5:30am on both Saturday and Sunday to travel to a scuba diving quarry outside Bethlehem, PA by way of an old school bus that smells like your brother's old jock strap is not my cup of tea. I couldn't even drink for chrisake. What kind of a fucked up sport is this?!

It was 50 degrees in that water too. So of course now I'm sick and maybe even going deaf. It's freaky deaky what happens to your ears down there.

But I bitch too much. There was one positive thing about this whole shitty weekend - hot dudes! Seriously, it was like a biker convention for divers. I'm talking about guys like Mark from Roseanne. You know the hot guy who dated Becky even though she was way too fugly for him? Yeaaaah, like him but more burly. Those oxygen tanks are heavy!

See all those wetsuits? Way too many people are into this shit. (Not me. Like anything I'm just trying to get a free meal out of this. And guess what? Last night I got free dinner. Boom.)

This one table had all the super rugged guys. I wanted to go over there and see if anyone wanted to do a skin dive with me. Hey-o!

Can I get some fries with that shake-shake booty?