Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Christmas Recap

Being back from vay cay sucks a work wang and I've only kept one (barely) of my five embarrassing resolutions (seriously, one was eat fried pickles, another eat a fried oyster po boy and neither was the one I kept) so I am going to take a stroll down Memory Lane to happier times; Christmas Circa 2009.

This was a Christmas of firsts for me; first time being down South, first time without my brother which meant another first - no drunken brawls, and first Christmas with SHANNIE. Now Shanon is no stranger to my parents, but has never spent four days straight with them. I feared for her safety, right up until my Mom told my Dad to shut up, I told them both to shut up, and Shanon yelled "EVERYBODY SHUT UP." At which point we welcomed her to the family with open arms. Arms full of Bloody Ceasars and bourbon.

I reminded her of the rules of survival in our clan: 1. What you have to say is the most important at all times, always and 2. Don't share my food. Well, 2 might actually just be me. Sharing food is almost as terrible as sharing feelings instead of keeping them inside where they belong.

It was weird being in a warm climate, but we made the most of it by watching as many movies indoors as possible. All the Christmas classics of course, but far more entertaining then that was my Dad's running commentary on the available movie choices on-demand:

P.S. I Love You - "Piss I Love you? Golden showers maybe."

He's Just Not That Into You - "This is so unrealistic, not like 'Meet The Spartans."

Killer Clowns From Outer Space - "Hey Jen, why don't you get real drunk and we'll put Killer Clowns on. It won't scare you if you're all boozed up."

Avatar - "If you only have one eye and you watch this, you're screwed. Cyclops would not like this movie."

My Mom, on the other hand, had made it all the way up until Christmas Eve afternoon before the guilt of our present-less tree* wore her down. Shanon and I came back from the beach and as soon as I saw her car gone I knew what was coming, seeing as she had asked us questions about our shoe sizes earlier. She returned with my Dad in tow, who informed us, "They only had one of the good ones left, so someone gets a nice pair and the other bag is crap" and held them out to us.

Tricky Dad! They were both the same pair of slippers!

...Made for old lesbians. This is a picture of Shanon and me right before we marched our dykey dogs to the gas station to get some smokes. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

* My $.79 present was a Florida license plate for my bike that says "2 COOL 4 U." Priceless.

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