Friday, January 8, 2010

Flying Babies

An airing of grievances, if you will: On both of my flights over the holidays there were at least two babies on board with me, and do you know what babies like to do on airplanes more than anything else? Cry.

And I get that, most of the time I don't really like flying either, especially not sober or without Xanax. My best flights usually occur when I have copious amounts of both. Rumor has it that you aren't supposed to give babies any of those things so I can't imagine they are any more stoked on flying than I am.

If I had a very young baby and anybody suggested I get on a plane with it, my response would be guess what, I just carried this thing around SOBER for nine months and then gave a little gift I like to call "life," so me and my mini-me are good on the globe-trotting for awhile.
Plus everyone on that plane now hates your baby and why would you want that. The baby is also probably all, fuck, now I feel like a jerk cause everyone on this plane hates me. No wait, I don't think babies drop the eff bomb all that much actually.

And if the baby is flying in first class it makes it about fifty times worse, because not only can I probably still hear it crying, but it also means that baby has made more money than me already, just by being a baby, then I have made in 27 whole years. Screw you, baby.

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