Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mom's Greatest Hits

Everyone always talks about what a great parent they will be one day and keeps a mental list of injustices that they swear to never do to their own kids and I'm sure I can think of plenty, but more importantly, is remembering a few of my Mom's stellar parenting tactics. Along with telling kids that when the ice cream truck song plays, it means they're out of ice cream, this is what has made the list thus far:

- The other night, I was telling a friend of mine how it has been a really long time since I have lost my wallet and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. It's been a solid five years and believe, this is no small feat, seeing as I used to lose that shit like it was my job and one time even managed to lose it in my own jacket pocket. The last time I lost my wallet, when I was 22, a good samaritan mailed it to the address on my license, which was also unfortunately, my parent's address. My Mom called me up and said she had to fill out some insurance thing and she needed my license number. I stalled for awhile, until my Mom eventually called me out on my bullshit and then I got berrated for not only being an idiot and losing my wallet at a bar, but for being a liar too. Tricky Mom.

- Something else Moms don't like is when you are supposed to call and tell them you're sleeping out somewhere, but instead you forget and just don't come home. They get all "worried" and think you're "dead in a gutter" and I never got this until an ex-boif I lived with did this to me a bunch and then I was all "I am 99% sure that you are at your friends' house playing drugs and video games, but what if you're DEAD IN A GUTTER SOMEWHERE."
So yes, I had pulled this on my Mom yet again and I came home the next morning to find a plastic bag on the front porch with a change of clothes in it and a note that said "You can come home when you learn some respect." The best part was that she had included my fancy hair product in the bindlestaff sack she'd assembled. I may have been homeless for a few days, but damn if I didn't look goooood.

- What really took the cake though, was when I was 17 or 18 and had gone out to a party in Philly and was supposed to come home around one. Instead, I came home shitfaced at 4am. My friends dropped me off and I tried to open my parents' front door as quietly as possible, but oh noes, my key was not working. I kept trying and was thinking oh shit, if I have to ring the bell and wake them up, all hell will break loose. Kept trying, key still wasn't working. At this point, I really had to pee, so I went to the side of the house and peed in the bushes. About half an hour had gone by when I finally broke down and rang the bell. My Mom flipped, as expected, threats of beatings and being kicked/moving out ensued.
The next morning, she approached me and told me she had a confession to make. The reason my key hadn't been working the night before, was because she had been crouched down on the other side, holding the lock! This was no easy feat either, since there are windows on either side of the door that and this lady is like six feet tall. What's even better is she felt so bad she ended up apologizing to me and I think took me out to lunch and I have no idea why. But that shit was genius.

These days me & Moms are homies, we did hit a bit of a rough patch when I got arrested on her 55th birthday (she did not find the rendition of "Happy Birthday" sang by my fellow cellmates from the payphone in jail nearly as entertaining as I did) but we moved past that and I like to think that we're both a little older and wiser from it.


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