Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Chamber of Secrets

The other morning, I woke up and decided to take advantage of my lack of hangover and get a little "exercise," but then I realized I had no idea where my pilates dvd was. I looked all over the place and finally found it stashed in my closet, where I then remembered hiding it before having people over for my birthday. Now, Shanon and I are pretty upfront about our "quirks" and she did bring her pilates tape on our road trip and stood up to my Dad's mockery and normally I could care less what people think, but since it was my special day, I was in no mood to be ridiculed about my buns o' steel or lack thereof.

But it did make me think of other things I try and keep on the DL from dudes I've yet to boff. I'm not talking the six empty booze bottles that didn't make it to the recycle bin and the seventies porn my friend Alex mailed me for my birthday and now kicks it on my coffee table, but more like things that might bring the booty train to a screeching halt if spotted by the menzfolk.

- Self-help/Terrible chick-lit Books. My friend told me how he stayed over this chicks house for the first time and her bedside reading was "Frozen Pancakes and Fake Lashes: One imperfect woman's quest for peace, balance ... and maternal mojo" or something, which is a serious boner-assassin book title that no girl who doesn't want a dude to take off running should keep next to their bed. Same goes for any weird diet books or books that end in "aholic" or anything by that annoying fat chick who wrote "In Her Shoes."

- Tampons. Yeah, that time of the month happens for most chicks I guess, but what dude wants to be reminded that once a month they're not getting laid and their lady will be a nutty hormonal bitch. Plus periods are gross.

- Serious prescription meds (not recreational/awesome ones). Many moons ago, I used to have a slight problem with Xanax, being that I enjoyed eating it every day and acquired a prescription after boo-hooing to my doc about life, who then asked if I wanted to try Zoloft too! Since I was not depressed in the slightest, I obviously said yes. Good thing my boif at the time was way crayer than me and paid no mind, but a good rule of thumb for the ladies would be to stash them nutter pills right because everyone knows the first rule of crazy is to hide that shit good.

- Pictures of babies that are not your own. Sure, babies are...cute? I don't really need a bunch of pictures of someone else's happy accident cluttering up my spot and I know we all got biological clocks a-tickin, but set that shit to vibrate, homegirl.

- Dolls. If multiple sets of lifeless, glassy eyes doesn't give a dude whiskeydick, I am at a loss for what will.

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