Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Craziest Dressers

When I get dressed in the morning before work, sometimes I will put on the craziest shit, thinking it looks fine, only to realize later in the day that I look like I got gang-banged by a fleet of Salvation Army trucks or angry dykes. Yesterday, unfortunately, was the latter. I won't go into specifics about my outfit, but let's just say it involved Timberlands and multiple pieces of denim. Wasn't really a big deal, since I like to keep everyone's expectations for me low, but then a big client showed up unexpectedly and wanted to take me out for a belated birthday dinner. Woops. So I was slightly ashamed, and vowed to start dressing somewhat nicer (exempting hungover days or opposite sex sleepover days, you ever try to take a shower and make a presentable work outfit from a straight dude's closet? I'd rather run a three legged race with a midget). It wasn't until I was on the train headed home that I realized, there are a bunch of other groups of people in this town who dress a million percent worse than me:

1. Japanese Chicks. If you have ever flipped through that book "Fruits" you are feeling me right now. This chick got on the train yesterday wearing what appeared to be a pink muumuu halfshirt, over pants that the genie from "Aladdin" granted wishes in, paired with wooly socks and Birkenstocks, plus a feathery hat. Of course I had to go stand next to her, to make my outfit seem comparatively un-crazy and hetero. They should really be available to rent by the hour, on days like today when I feel like calling for backup. But yeah, they take the dressing crazy cake, which I blame Yoko Ono for. Cause why not.

2. Young Gay Black Dudes. Not to be confused with young male straight black guys (who are just really, really into matching) these dudes can pull off almost anything, from neon mohawks to fedoras and spats and I hold them personally accountable for the term "fierce."

3. Goth Kids/Young Twentysomething White Chicks. These are separate, but equal, since both groups annoy the tits offa me. Even though Goth kids wear guyliner and are usually unattractive/chubby, they are more likely to brood and hate you silently and from afar, as opposed to an annoying twenty year old chick who is still finding herself, so for no reason will decide to wear a turban or dress like a slutty tennis player from the eighties in heels, while spilling her drink on your shoes*. She will probably have sex with you though, so grab that silver lining and run with it.
*Not that I speak from experience or anything.

4. Little Kids.  Technically the parent's fault, but little kids dressing themselves is amazing. I can't even believe my parents let me out of the house in some of the outfits I would put together in elementary school. You feel like wearing your Dad's Indiana Jones hat with suspenders and unmatched neon socks with leopard print high top Converse today? Go right ahead! Pretty sure I even have a fourth grade class picture where I decided to button my shirt backwards to be like Kriss Kross.

5. Old Ladies. I was at the bodega the other day and this crazy old broad in front of me was in line, buying about eight bags of 25 cent chips in different varieties and six boxes of Cup-O-Noodles and talking to herself. After I marveled how similar our dinner selections were (!), I took note of her crazy outfit and decided I can't wait to be old. The best way to describe old ladies style is everything. They just wear everything. And get away with it! Hmm, what happened to that summer frock I bought back in 1948? I think I will break out that old ruby today, to go along with my mink coat, pajama pants, and monocle. This is the type of conversation I imagine they have with themselves before getting dressed each morning. Seriously, can't wait.

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