Thursday, February 11, 2010

Healthy Releases

Wow, what a terrible mood I have been in all day. I feel like reality decided to give me a wedgie and steal my lunch money. Instead of punching people/things in the face like I feel like doing, I am going to simply follow my three step regimen below, to manage my anger until my faith that people aren't all terrible is restored.

1. Get super drunk! This is my default setting, but not one I would recommend to most people. For instance, if you are an angry drunk, it will only lead to rants and hate-humping. And don't get me wrong, I love me a good hate-pork every now and then, but this is best saved for hot assholes, ex-boifs, and investment bankers, not guys you wake up next to and get thrown into an immediate shame spiral while hunting for your underdrawers in his Star Wars sheets. You best get out that nerd den quick, my friend, you just hate-porked yourself.

2. Get blazed. You will have much more important things to mentally grapple with, such as why cats be so cray cray?? When you're stoned, how weird cats already are is amplified by a hundred. I can never tell if a cat hates my guts or not, it will be all leave me alone giant, then come purr up in my face until I get sick of it and throw it on a chair or somewhere. Then I start to think about how funny it is that you can just "throw" cats, you can't do that shit with a dog, the dog would wig out and act wounded and might legitimately get hurt, but a cat will land on its feet, give you an uptight stink eye then forget two seconds later and meow on your leg looking for pets and kitty chow. Ahh, cats. What was this post about?

3. Jam the fuck out. Play whatever the fuck your little heart desires, as loud as you like and fear judgment from NO ONE. Personally, I like to revisit classics from my angsty teenage days; Weezer, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Romeo & Juliet Soundtrack (don't hate, you know you owned that shit too) then some Ramones to get good and amped and jump around a bunch. This is best done after spending some quality time visiting steps one & two, bee tee dubs.

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