Friday, February 19, 2010

I'm Gay For Dance

Let's open up the Why Jenny Should Have Been Born A Gay Man file for a mo (see what I did there?) because my love for dance is reason number #46 or so, right behind My Fascination With Grindr and My Love Of "Chicago", that I blend in so seamlessly with teh gheyz.

Last night, Blair got us tickets to go see his ex boif (we'll call him "Jon") perform with his current dance company. Of course we sprung for the $10 tickets, which put us front row center, and since Blair hadn't talked to Jon in awhile, maybe came off a wee bit stalkerish. But no matter, because I am totally gay for watching dance, even though I know nothing about it. One of my favorite secret pastimes is getting stoned alone and watching that show "So You Think You Can Dance" and the last time I saw Jon, I'm pretty sure I got drunk and told him he should try out for it cuz that shit is bananas (how they move like that?!). He then informed me that would be like Christina Aguilera trying out for "American Idol" to which I said whoa there, conceited, but in hindsight he is probably right.

But yes, the dancing was crazy. At one point this dude did a performance that involved a strobe light and karate pants and somehow I swear to christ, he flew. I didn't know whether to bug out about getting a seizure or be pissed that I wasn't on shrooms. Think I was a little of both.So we sat there waiting for the next number, minds blown, wondering what was gonna happen, when I heard Amanda say, "Music by Dave Matthews band??..."
Yeah. The last routine, which went on for like four songs, was all set to Dave Matthews Band, a deadly Boner Sniper that we never even saw coming.

Then, just when we agreed the night had gone from hero to queer-o, all was forgiven, when I laid eyes on Eric Bourne, who I'm officially making the Gay Boner of the Day (tough titties Shannie), cause this is one of the hottest dudes I have ever seen. And I'm not even into blondes! Seriously though, in love. So this guy was obvy a gay because I had just watched him leap around in skin tight clothes for an hour, but that didn't stop me from calling dibs. Being an honorary homo, Blair wasn't too thrilled about this, so I was surprised when he leaned over and said "Me and Jenny are going to have our first threesome." Then he changed his mind, decided he wanted him all for himself and informed me that he would break my glasses and scratch my eyes out.

Shit got way more stalkery the next day, when I convinced Blair to find him on facebook and friend request him. Which he did. Then (hilariously) sent me a fake email from our new boyfriend/future baby daddy:

"Hello Jenny,
Thank you for coming to my show on Wednesday. We really enjoyed hearing you laugh throughout our performance. Here is a photo of me.
You're a sweetheart.

But you look at this photo below and tell me your day didn't just get about forty percent more wangtastic. Happy Friday.

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