Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Boner of the Day

Jeremy from "Peep Show." Okay, I owe my buddy Andrew an apology, he has been trying to sell me on this show for about nine months and even burned episodes on DVD for me to try and get me to watch it. Twice. But instead of heeding others' advice, I prefer "discovering" shows on my own and taking all credit for informing everyone on how funny they are.

But yes! Jeremy! The more I watch Peep Show, the higher my Boner Flag flies for this hilarious snaggle-toothed Brit.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Boner of the Day

Ron Swanson! Jenny and I have made no secret of the fact that we love Andy (aka Chris Pratt). With regular comments like, "I'm a shoe-shinist," or "Baseball - it's just like Softball but for boys," combined with his shaggy pudge look, we're quite smitten.

But that Ron Swanson... He's fast becoming our favorite. I wouldn't mind taking a ride on that mustache, if you catch my drift. Wink wink. Get it? Ok. But on a serious note, I wouldn't mind a spanking from Ron Swanson.

Hot Dog Down A Hallway Poll

So everyone knows the phrase "it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway," but what we really find fascinating about this is the fact that everyone has a very specific vision of what their hallway looks like. For instance, mine looks like this hallway in the Matrix. Can I explain why? Nope!

Let's try our first ever Tonight at the Pit poll. Enter in what your hallway looks like in the comments and if we're not too lazy, we'll post the results.

Still Good

I recently heard the saying for the first time, "It's like sex and pizza; even when it's bad, it's good" and starting cracking up, since this phrase could be the Mayor of Funny-Cause-It's-True Town.  Sex & pizza ARE always good, minus the one time in Montreal when I paid .75 (Canadian) for a slice and that shit was god-awful. Seriously Canada, I love you and your poutine and your Degrassi, but that slice made me want to time travel back to 1982 and hand my Mom a coat hanger.

But then I thought of other things that are still good, even when they're "bad," including:

Sushi. Hear me out - I am a mondo pussysaurus when it comes to eating raw fish, so I tend to stick to avocado rolls and Inari and shit and I have absolutely no problem getting them from a deli or Nobu.  And half-price sushi? That is my jam! I've also learned that enough saki can make anything good.

The Simpsons. This show is the backbone of my cartoon-watching regimen and uh huh, I know everyone's all "it jumped the shark so long ago" and it's "not funny since Conan left" and all that other shit and do I prefer "Family Guy"? Meh beh, but I still fucking love The Simpsons and always will. Even when it's a Lisa episode.

Massages. I don't recall ever asking someone to stop massaging me, even if they are not a profesh masseuse and I am not on ecstasy. Massages are great, I am terrible at giving them but really, really good at getting them, thanks to years of practice.

Pot. As with sex, do I prefer it to be good? Yes. Am I gonna turn it down? Nah. You never really know if it's gonna be bad pot or porking until you give it the old college try. If either of them is not all they're cracked up to be, don't cry yourself to sleep over it, just walk it off and hey, better luck next time. Even if you're not "high" you're stoned, so go YouTube some cat videos.

Vampire movies. Okay, this was Shanon's answer when I posed the Still Good question to her. Another of her replies was "Severus Snape" and when I did not respond to that either, she said, "too deep?" Yes, Shanon. Your Harry Potter references are far too advanced for our readers. But sure, vampire movies, I guess I can live with that one. "Once Bitten" is pretty terrible, but I have definitely seen it two or eleven times.

Momma Jokes. Always funny. Always.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Clean

This is going to be a boring post but I just had one of those "holy fuck I love this band I wonder if they're going on tour anytime soon and OH SHIT THEY ARE" moments. The Clean are so old at this point that they probably fart mummy dust, but I'll still see 'em!

Here's a music video for "Tally Ho" from the year before I was born. Yeaaaah, they totes fart mummy dust.

SXSW, Photos, Bleh

I've been a lazy fuck about uploading photos from my travels. Here are some, I still haven't finished uploading them all. Go figure!

My worst nightmare... cept it was real and right in front of me.

The Entrance Band. I didn't take many band photos cause whatever. This chick's a babe though.

This was at the best bbq I've ever had - Sam's BBQ. I think this could be racist but since black people own the joint, I guess it's not?

Fuck yes.

"You don't need no teeth to eat my beef!"

I turned around at Emo's and Gwar was straight chillin.

Look at this cute little hipster.

This was in SF on my friend Suzanne's boat. We don't know how to sail so we just sat on it and drank wine. So classy!

Boner of the Day

Hugh Grant! I will watch every terrible rom-com chick-flick he is in. Every. Single. One: "Bridget Jones's Diary"- the best by far, me & Shannie watched this shit yesterday, screaming like little girls, "Two Weeks Notice"- check, "Love Actually"- uh huh, "About A Boy"- loves it, "Knotting Hill"- duh, one of my favorites and I fucking hate Julia Roberts! Behold the power of Hugh.

I can't even put my finger on what makes him so bonertastic, but dude got a blowie from a hooker named Divine Brown, while married to Liz Hurley the fembot/superbabe and if that's not enough to make you love him, then I dunno what is.

I will gladly be the filling in this Boner Oreo.

And the piece de resistance. Aren't mugshots the greatest.

I Learn, You Learn

Because Tonight at the Pit is also about learning, I'm starting a new column called "I Learn, You Learn." Today's lesson is a new word I learned yesterday - Jingoistic, or Jingoism.

I was having a discussion about HBO's The Pacific with the dad of the kids I babysit for. I love this show! Band of Brothers is my jam so I'm obviously head over heals for this counterpart. I have books dedicated to Guadalcanal, mmkay? Anyway, we were discussing this last night and the dad said that the show was too "jingoistic" for him. I then asked him if he just made up a word.

But he didn't! Jingoism refers to people who are excessively patriotic to the point of aggressive foreign policy. I did a little wiki'ing on the subject since it's such a neat word, and discovered (to my delight!) that US journalists in the 19th century referred to this as "spread-eagleism."

And you know what? I'm a total spread-eagleist for the dudes in The Pacific.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Boner of the Day

Omar Salazar! Cause I like pro-skaters and I like short dudes. Omar's my poquito dreamboat. Fuck that's not racist, right?


Few things make me angry in this world. Ahh who am I kidding, most things make me angry in this world, off the top of my head: lines, people who ask you if the elevator is going up or down (because  there's not universally known arrow buttons to tell them that or anything), pronouncing ketchup "catsup", the weather, people who do things slower than me, Spanish music I can hear coming from people's headphones while riding the train - tell me something - do Hispanics have worse hearing than everyone else? Sometimes I don't even want to listen to my iPod on the train, but I have to in order to drown out the fucking Cucaracha coming from the dude three feet away (Friday Racicisms, yaaaay).

But what's really crumbling my cookies today, is that I heard Hollywood is remaking one of my favorite(ish) movies, "Overboard." This is a movie that I feel needs no remake; loveable Goldie Hawn at her best, Kurt Russell looking as fine if not finer than he did in "Big Trouble In Little China" and the little kid from "Big" is in it and I don't own it, but I will watch the shit out of it where and whenever it comes on TV.

You would think that Kate Hudson would be the obvi choice to play the new Joanna, seeing as Goldie is her Mom and Kurt is more or less her Stepdad that I wouldn't mind getting sexy with, but you would be wrong.  J. Lo is slated to play the lead. Fucking J. Lo. Can someone make an electric fence for singers who want to be actors and vice versa, like a collar they could wear that would shock J. Lo or Madonna whenever they went to audition for roles like this or will zap actresses when they try and pull into the recording studio parking lot. I'm so tired of this Anaconda-assed bitch ruining my life by sharing my name and forcing me to poke my own eyes out with a blunt pencil rather than be subjected to photos of her burn-victim/drowned-chihuahua-vampire husband and their bajillionaire babies.

My next post will be more positive and less racially-challenged, swearsies.

Friday Racicisms

Me and Jenny were just having one of those ichat convos when I said to her, "that shit would make me go UGH." This one little sentence was like a tomahawk deja vu slap to the face. Suddenly I was transported all the way back to Disney's Peter Pan and my favorite song in that movie - "What Makes The Red Man Red."

Jenny said that I needed to blog about how both Disney and myself are racist. After I showed her this video she said "Indians can NOT be down with this." I disagree. Everyone knows that Indians did indeed first say UGH when they saw their mother-in-law.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Why I Hate Tex Mex

I need to clear the air for a minute on why the hell I hate tex mex so much. Did you guys see that recent episode of 30 Rock, "Future Husband?" Liz meets that British dude while drugged up in the dentist's office. Well in one of the scenes he goes, "Let's get dinner, do you like Tex Mex?" And she goes "No, let's go."

This is EXACTLY how I feel about tex mex. I'll eat it - but I don't like it!

My problem with this fake genre of food is 4 fold:

1. Queso. This shit seriously creeps me out. Everyone's all like, "But you love fondue, it's the same thing!" Wrong. I don't nuke up 15 slices of American cheese and call it fondue, mmmkay? Nor do I eat fondue with chips. That's so pedestrian. I have to give it to my girl Jacquie, though, she actually made me eat some good queso on my last day in Austin. It was solid cause it had tons of meat and accoutrements innit.

2. Tumbo problems. I'm not fond of turbo farts, are you? Tex mex is all cheese and fried tortillas and flavorless beans and more fried shit. Farts for days!

3. Bland city. As I mention in numero dos, it's all bland bland bland mixed with fried cheese. I have a refined palate. If I'm gonna get all good and loaded with farts, I want it to be from some quality meats and oysters and martinis.

4. Presentation. I like my food to look pretty, not like what it's gonna look like on the way out. Helllloooooo enchiladas.

Anyway, I'll still eat it, I mean, I don't turn away food. And those avocado martinis are aight.


If you open the armrest console in my Dad's '92 Pontiac, you will most likely find these two things: a book on tape (probably Dennis Miller) and another tape of either Queen's Greatest Hits or the "Flash Gordon" soundtrack (also by Queen).

What I'm saying is, I listened to a lot of Queen growing up and lately have been feeling nostalgic, probably due to my friend Andrew rekindling his love affair with them and sending/talking about their rock ballads to me constantly. To which I responded by sending him the "Flash" theme song and realized it has been far far too long since I have seen this cinematic masterpiece.

Just in case you have never had the privilege of watching this timeless classic, here is a recap I pulled from IMDB (Warning: does not do the movie justice. The special effects are amazing.)

In this update of the 1930's comic strip, Flash is a football hero who is skyjacked aboard Dr. Zarkov's rocketship along with beautiful Dale Arden. The threesome are drawn into the influence of the planet Mongo, controlled by Ming the Merciless. Ming has been testing the Earth with unnatural disasters, and deeming it a threat to his rule, he plans to destroy it. He also intends to take Dale as his concubine. Flash must avoid the amorous attentions of Ming's daughter and unite the warring kingdoms of Mongo to rescue Dale and save our world.

Ming the Merciless! If I ever somehow acquire a pet or child, one guess what I'm naming that little guy. I also don't use the word "concubine" nearly as much as I should. Okay, so you're thinking what an awesome sounding movie, right. Now imagine all this nutty shit going down set to QUEEN.
And Flash himself? What a babe! Is it wrong that I am more attracted to the cartoon version of him than the real life one? Hate it when that happens. Like with Batman when he was Michael Keaton and not Christian Bale. Or Spiderman, because Tobey McGuire is great in "Wonderboys" and "Seabiscuit*" and shit, but do I want to boff him? Naw, I want to watch Sandra Bullock movies with him and confide in him like the sister I never had.   Would hit it with Pete Parker the cartoon though, in a minute.

Anywho, watch this video, it is uplifting, there's a great solo, and you will rock out. Hard.

*I have never seen this and don't know anyone who has.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

People I'd Like To Meet

I've never been one to swoon over celebrities. I mean, sure, I had a crush on Ted from "Hey Dude" when I was a kid but I chose to spend my allowance on candy cigarettes, X-Men cards, Archie comics and bomber snaps instead of Tiger Beat and shit. Now that I'm an adult, I spend my work allowance or "salary" if you will, on doobie cigs, metrocards,  uhh...Calvin & Hobbes books...and...fireworks and bomber snaps. Sigh.

What I'm getting at here, is that I never really fantasized about meeting famous people, so when I say "people I'd like to meet" I'm not talking Johnny Depp or any faggo Twilight teenage man-boys because if we met, we would what, become facebook friends? Start hanging out? Whereareas I feel like these people are quote unquote real, and therefore I could add them to my band of misfits and maybe even start a gang one day or something. But that sounds ambitious, we would most likely sit around making wildly funny videos of one another while on various prescription meds.

Someone with Tourettes. Yes, at some point we have all played "The Kid Who Cried Tourettes," whether it was to get you out of trouble with your parents/teachers for saying a bad word or to beat a rape charge, but real Tourettes is nut tee. I actually watched a PBS special on kids with Tourettes that made the case that it could be all psychological, but I choose to think it isn't. Sure, as Desi Arenez sez, you would have some 'splainin to do! but the few times you get to have a valid excuse for screaming obscenities at a cop/preist/small child without fear of retribution makes it all worth it.

Someone with Narcolepsy. This would be adorable! Falling asleep in their soup and whatnot. I'd make them wear a protective outfit of pillows and a helmet and would duct-tape oven mitts on their hands. Okay, I'm really just looking for an excuse to dress one of my friends up like this and have "American Gladiator" fights with, so sue me.

Someone with a peg leg and/or hook for hand. And NOT just 'cause pirate sex is every 28 year old's fantasy. A few months ago, I was reading my National Geographic and came across a crazy article on bionic limbs, ears, eyes, you name it. That shit was bonkers, bionic limb technology has gotten so good that you can even make a sandwich with your bionic arm, spread that mayo and everything. But if I had a friend with a bionic arm, I would be like do you ever wish we could go back, back to a time where cell phones didn't exist, there were no blogs or email, and our lives weren't run by iPods and cyborgs and the interwebs? Me too, now swap out that bio-hand for a hook and let's go scare some campers.

Someone of the Hasidic persuasion. We've been through this. I technically have "met" Hasids-a-plenty, so I guess by "meet" I mean interrogate for hours on end.

Someone who trains wild animals. Or bees! Think I am going to do this tonight, in fact, as I am going to a beekeeper party. I plan on getting them drunk and making them compare bee sting wounds, much like that scene when they're out at sea shark-hunting in "Jaws."

Upon completion of this post, I realize I pretty much just want to roll with the cast of "Deuce Bigalow."

Inanimate (Kind Of) Boner ofthe Day

Up until now, Morgan Freeman has held the title for "Narrating All Events Ever," to the point where I hear him telling me about everything from marching band penguins to reminding me to always use protection before I'm about to hit the skins. It is high time another well-known/voiced black man gave him a run for his money, so imagine my excitement when I heard Snoop decided to step up to the plate. As the new navigating voice on your GPS!

The thought of getting off the train and having Snoop guide me to the bar or NA meeting sounds too good to be true, I bet it would be just like this; "Roll up to that bodega on the corner and get this niggah a blunt" or "At this next light, hop up front and gimme some road head shorty. Then bear right at the fork in the road and we be at yo Gramma's crib."

Seeing as I have the absolute worst sense of direction known to man and manage to get lost even with the help of my fancy phone, I decided this app is a necessary addition to my collection and had all intentions of buying it, right up until I saw that $60 price tag. How you gonna lean on me like that, Snoop? Raise up off these N-U-T's, cause you gets none of these.

Thanks Urbana for sharing!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Am I Garfield?

There are few things worse than rainy Mondays. All I want to do is call in sick and lay in my bed under my blankets, which I contemplated doing as I walked to the train this morning, until I looked at my phone and remembered oh wait, I have to go to work in order to make the scratch I need to repair my shattered iPhone screen. Again. Applecare does not cover accidents caused by pretending your phone is a mic and singing Seal songs into it, apparently. Gotta read that fine print.

But you know who else hates Mondays? Garfield. He hates getting out of bed in general, as do I. Growing up, my brother and I read all of the Garfield books of course, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how similar me and that hilarious fat cat really are.

- Hatred of diets. I can't even make it one day on a diet. Last Thursday I was all set on "eating healthy" and then someone ordered pizza at the bar I was at and offered me some. For free! If I turned down free pizza, I think my universe would implode.

- Hatred of exercise. Almost every single evening, I set my alarm about 45 minutes early and plan on waking up and working out. And then I hit snooze for precisely one hour.

- Don't talk to us before we've had our coffee. My eyes don't fully open until I've been up for at least an hour and have a river of caffeine in my veins. Talking to me pre-coffee is futile, you may as well be talking to a grumpy confused muppet.

- Hates spiders. Who likes spiders? They're creepy as fuck, have way too many legs, freaky terrifying baby nests, and there are few things worse than walking into a web. Plus they bite you for no damn reason and even though I will not hesitate to mash the shit out of one if I see it, they don't know that, so what the crap are they biting me for? A spider just put Shanon's Mom in the hospital a few weeks ago, no joke. Fuck spiders.

- Lay. Zee. Cat does not do what he don't wanna. How can I not respect that?

- Loves making fun of Jon and his inability to get laid. I enjoy making fun of many of my friends for this as well.

- Has a thing for fucked up teeth. You could drive a Buick through the gap in Arlene's front teeth, something I would normally make fun of except that I realized that I have dated a mess of dudes with fucked up teeth and only one had a British accent to blame it on. Go figure.

- Wants to ship Nermal to Abu Dhabi. Duh, Nermal's always trying to steal the spotlight by being all cute and youthful and shit, who needs that. Send that dude first class.

- Hates the vet. This is the equivalent of my hatred of going to the Doctor/Dentist and avoiding both at all costs. Teeth are supposed to bleed when you brush them, right?

- Likes destroying things. See above paragraph about phone.

- Loves watching TV.  Almost as much as I do!

- Sleeps with his teddy bear/best friend Pooky. My sock monkey (Saki) has been camped out in my bed for years. We kick it every night.

- Always says "Big Fat Hairy Deal." This is how I feel about problems that are not my own.

- Likes to perform songs on a fence for an unappreciative audience. Most people reading this have been lucky enough to hear me karaoke. You're welcome.

I also love how all his book titles are just about his obesity; Garfield "Takes The Cake," "Rolls On," "Eats His Heart Out," "Swallows His Pride," "Goes To Waist," "Tips The Scales," etc., and my favorite, "Somehow Gets Fatter."

I'm going home to make myself a huge bowl of spaghetti.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Boner of the Day

I'm back up in here from a 10-day travel jaunt. I'm too tired to post any kind of update on what the hell I've been doing, but wanted to come back in with a sweet boner sent to me by my roomie - a hot Chinese hobo!

He's been dubbed "Brother Sharp" by the ladies and is apparently now in a mental hospital after becoming an internet mega-star. But I don't really give a shit. I'm posting this mostly to prove to my colleagues that Asians are indeed hot. I've been saying this for years! Everyone needs to get off of their racist bikes and into my culturally diverse ride. Shannie likes all types.

But not hobos, actually. Rich dudes only please.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Counting Sheep

Lately I have been in one of those phases where I can't seem to fall asleep at night. This is problematical, because it means I will be a grumpy beav the next day and spend all my measly wages at Starbucks and daydream about swimming pools and sandwiches and being an X-Man instead of getting anything done. Luckily I have some surefire contingency plans for when The Sandman is off nailing the Tooth Fairy or whatever he does when he's not gently roofie-ing little kids away to Slumberland:

Booze. Who's there to celebrate with you when you get a job/married/knocked up/clean STD bill of health? Booze. Who comforts you when you get dumped/fired/Cleveland Steamered/rabies? Booze. It helps get me laid and helps me forget people I probably shouldn't have taken the scenic route through Bonetown with, so of course hittin the sauce helps me catch some zzzs, what can't booze do.

Thinking about outfits. I quite enjoy lying in bed and planning crazy outfits to wear the next day and I have no idea why, but doing this makes me way sleepy. What happens is I plan these elaborate get-ups, like over the knee socks with tights and a jumper and heels and a vest and a beret and samurai sword or some shit, then wake up, put it all on and realize I look like a crazy person. I usually go to work like that anyway, since there is no dress code at my office so I like to see what I can get away with.

Pot. This actually can go either way. Sometimes when I'm stoned I start to think about whether or not ghosts are real and if so, is the one from the wild west that I suspect haunts my apartment here for good or evil, or I become convinced that my left and right eyes see in entirely different colors and I'm too scared to go to sleep, lest I wake up blind, as was the case Monday night. Other times I can barely make it the seven steps off my couch to my bed. Go figure.

The Alphabet Song, by The Three Stooges. When I was a little Jenny, my Dad used to sing me this song all the time. It did not help to teach me the alphabet in the slightest, but I'll recite this jam in my head if I'm having trouble nodding off and without fail, I pass out before making it to "Z."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Irish Carbombs

Last night, my homegirl invited me over to sample some Irish Carbomb cupcakes she was making and I had no idea what that entailed, but she mentioned Jameson and Guinness and Bailey's icing, so I was sold.  And they were indeed crazy delicious since she is an amazing cupcake chef and was even nice enough to let me decorate some. Of course I immediately iced up a cockcake, but this was mostly because I am much like a twelve year old and wanted to tell Gandy to eat a dick.

But yes, today is St. Patrick's Day and I need to make my ancestors proud by doing these things:

1. Drink a green beer. I know it's just food coloring and doesn't actually taste different, but I like to pretend it does. Remember green ketchup? Yeah, it was the exact same as red ketchup, but you know that shit tasted like lung butter from a troll.

2. Get a Shamrock Shake! Son of a Blarney Stone I love these things and I haven't had one in years. Apparently none of my friends feel the same, since everyone I mentioned this to either has no idea what I'm talking about or is grossed out. Gandy never indulged in one and we just had a lengthy discussion about what booze would go best in it (he said Khalua, I said too weak, same for Bailey's. Cognac? We'll see!) and neither has my other friend, who's been trying to convince me to ditch work all day and go make out with him. I told him I would, on the condition we drink boozed up sham shakes. He didn't seem to be down, so I said no deal. I am taking this quite seriously, you see.

3. Do an Irish Carbomb. Speaking of making out, a few years back, my friend who made the cupcakes (who shall remain nameless) and I were at one of my favorite Irish haunts down on the LES and I don't think it was St. Pat's Day, I'm pretty sure it was like a Tuesday or Flag Day or something, but for whatever reason, we started tossing back carbombs. Now, homegirl can down these and I am not sure how or why this transpired, but we found ourselves involved in a chugging contest. Long story short, no matter how much confidence you have in your friends'drinking abilities, don't bet a three-way makeout on them.

4. Eat green Sno Balls! I'm basically going to shit a Leprachaun tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Jen On Film

When I hang out with little kids (no pedo), I always wonder what terrible movies they will be raised on and what subsequent effect they will have on them later in life, as movies I loved in the 80's/early 90's had on mine. "Toy Story" and shit? No way, how is Buzz Lightyear gonna scar/teach them valuable life lessons like the following did for me.

The Toy. This is one of those movies that would never, ever get made today. I'm sure my parents were thrilled during the portion of me & my brother's childhood that this was our favorite movie, the story of a spoiled brat named Master Bates (how did the writers get away with this, seriously) who is so bored with his toys that he purchases a black man.

Labyrinth. Sike, this movie isn't terrible, it's my all-time favorite! Nine times out of ten I wake up after a night of drinking and this movie has found it's way to my DVD player. Goblins are clearly involved. Why just today I spent a good portion of the morning googling Labyrinth tattoos, peep this balls-out Ludo piece. I think I'm in love.

Drop Dead Fred. No wonder I got in so much trouble when I was a kid, Fred was my hero and I was super jealous of all the cool shit him & Lizzie pulled in this movie. If only I had an imaginary friend to blame for tracking dog poo all over the rug and playing burglars and stealing my Dad's I still wish I could kick it with Fred; he calls Lizzie's Mom the "Mega Bitch," coined the phrase "death breath," and doesn't love anyone because "love is for girls and girls are disgusting." Dude is like the fountain of truth. Plus the following scene is by far my favorite way of referring to my lady friends who haven't been laid in awhile:

The Wizard. Two words; Power. Glove. When Nintendo invented this bad boy, the sound of thousands of small children's minds being blown was heard round the world. I remember thinking holy fucking shit, what does this glove do, I bet it could kick my brother's ass and give me the ability to fly and make me invisible and I could shoot things with it and turn them into candy. If I recall, it did not do any of those things. This whole movie was basically an hour and a half long commercial for Nintendo. And I love every nerdy minute of it.

Note: I own all of these movies on DVD, minus The Toy.

My Two Moms Are Nuts

While I was home over the weekend I decided to do a little photo project - I took pics of all the pug paraphernalia in my two moms' house. And what did I learn? They're fucking nuts.

The man himself, aka the fattest pug you will ever meet in your entire life.

A painting of pugs. The banana on the head is really a mind fuck.

One of these teddy bears is not like the other.

A pug pillow. Obviously.

A giant pug blanket that exclaims "I Love Pugs." In case you didn't figure that out already.

This is a needlepoint project my mom's doing. Of a pug. Naturally.

A pug collage. Very artistic and tasteful.

This one is interesting - it's a photo of a pug, but not their pug. Don't try to understand.

This corner of the fridge is dedicated to said fatty. Please note there are no pics of Shannie on the fridge.

The Pug de Resistance - a pug butler. I'm actually quite fond of this one.


Right now I'm in Dallas. It's 6:09 am, which is actually 4:09 am San Francisco time. I've had 3 hours of sleep and am currently in a state of delirium I've never experienced before. Quite a lot has happened in the last four days - I hung out on a boat, I sang karaoke, I met with some clients (no hooker), I went to some kooky old lady crafts fair, I went to the Academy of Sciences, I saw some dope birds, I told someone mid-bone that they're boning ability stunk (I might regret putting this one in after I've slept), I got drunk a whole bunch, and I ate more food than I physically thought possible.

I've eaten so much food, in fact, that I am literally fucking over food. All I want for the next 24 hours is juice and cigarettes. Am I crazy? Shrugs. But before I get on another plane, I'd like to share the funniest and best food review I've ever heard, said by my buddy Suzanne after lots of booze, whilst eating a giant burrito at 3am.

"Only 3 things make me close my eyes instinctively - making out, giving a guy a good blow job, and eating a burrito. I fucking love burritos."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Boner of the Day

Jeremy Sisto. I have been carrying a Boner Torch for this guy for fifteen years, ever since he rolled with his homie Tai and got rapey with Cher back in in "Clueless". I mean, I wasn't butt-crazy in love with him like I was with Paul Rudd in that movie, but both 13 year old Jenny and 28 year old Jenny would Hiiiiiiiiiiiit IT.  Now he swings it around on "Law & Order," making it the only reason that show is worth watching, since otherwise it bores me to tears.

I know, I know, the hair makes me feel like I got punched in the babymaker too. But if you cover it up with your thumb a bit, then all you see is a bangin' dude wearing do-me sweats, surrounded by mountains of pancakes. I just spent the past ten minutes trying to come up with something hotter to me than that last sentence I typed. Nope.

Gold Diggin'

The rain threw a serious wrench in the Bonerworks this weekend and by Sunday I had decided to flip it the bird, give up and get stoned all day with Gandy while watching "Millionaire Matchmaker" for five hours straight. I then had two ephiphanies: 1. Uh, that show is fucking amazing, I could watch that crazy bitch Patti yell at rich people all damn day, this is why I do not have cable, I'd never leave my house and 2. I could never be a gold-digger, for the following reasons:

- I would be even lazier. My sugar daddy would be all "Jenny did you go do that thing that rich people's wives do while I was at work making boku bucks?" and I'd be all "Hmmm, if I had, who would have beat the new Guitar Hero World Tour on medium and made sure the whiskey didn't go bad, the maid? I think not."

- I like that Kanye song "Gold Digger" way too much, so I'm sure I would do something dumb like start whistling it while hanging out with the 24k gold toilet I'd require in the pre-nup and then the jig would be totally up. Did that just rhyme? You're welcome.

- Mo money, mo problems. Actually, this is horse shit. You know what my biggest problem is? NOT HAVING ANY MONEY. What do loaded folk have to be worried about, people "liking me for me and not for my gajillions"? Well boo-hoo, if you find out that's the case, just pay to have them assassinated and pull some "Coming To America" shit to find out who your true homies are, since you are rich and have lots of spare time and can probably even hire James Earl Jones to dress up in some lion skins and play your Dad. Would be tight.

- I'd turn into a Fattysaurus Rax. A personal chef would have to be included in the deal, because why be rich if you can't demand chocolate chocolate-chip pancakes with whipped cream smiley faces like they do up at the IHOP at 4am and have your chef battle your friends' chefs in order to earn his keep. No, no, scratch that, we would spend our days inventing new, mind-blowing Doritos flavors until we struck oil on an even BETTER chip formula and become millionaires and nurture baby gold diggers of our own.

- I don't like rich people. Oh wait, I meant I don't know any. I should get on that.

- Pretending to love someone? Not so much. I have a hard enough time pretending to like most of my friends and I don't even sleep with (all of) them. I just can't shake the feeling I'd end up like Julianne Moore in "Magnolia" (would kinda rule).


Friday, March 12, 2010

Lame Chick Shit That I Totally Love

1. Yogurt. For some reason yogurt is the official food of women, but I'm a total sucker for fancy greek yogurt and have even been tempted to try that yogurt that makes you poop.

2. Manicures. I get maybe 4 manicures a year but half the time it's with Jenny and we sit and giggle and help pick out each others colors then admire our nails for the rest of the day and it's so much fun weeeeeeee!

3. Fancy undies. I buy $1 coffee from the bodega with change, but if I had money I'd have no qualms on buying fancy underdigs. That shit is niiiiiice.

4. Rom-Coms. I'm not about to go see that lame movie Valentine's Day in the theatre or anything, but Jenny and I will probably watch it on DVD with her dad at some point. That's just how we roll.

5. Period Pieces. Everyone knows I'm a sucker for some Victorian Era steez. Their homes had names! And you couldn't go up and talk to anyone without first being introduced. I loves it.

6. Twilight. Gandy and I tried to see New Moon together but he was stupid and bought a ticket to the theatre down the block from the one I was at. So we watched it at the same time and then called each other to discuss, after which I told him the entire plot for the last two books. It was an epic phone call.

7. Vodka. When I see young college chicks (or really any girl younger than me) order a vodka soda it makes me cringe. You know they're just ordering that because "they don't drink beer" and they heard that all clear liquors are low in calories. But then I remember that my love affair with Vodka goes way back before those twits even hit puberty. One time in high school I went to chug from my water bottle thinking, duh, that it was water. Nope! I almost threw up in the middle of art history class.

8. Natalie Merchant. I have no justification for this one...

9. Talking about boys. Oh my god I love to talk about boys! Don't they just drive you crazy? Tell me about it.