Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Am I Garfield?

There are few things worse than rainy Mondays. All I want to do is call in sick and lay in my bed under my blankets, which I contemplated doing as I walked to the train this morning, until I looked at my phone and remembered oh wait, I have to go to work in order to make the scratch I need to repair my shattered iPhone screen. Again. Applecare does not cover accidents caused by pretending your phone is a mic and singing Seal songs into it, apparently. Gotta read that fine print.

But you know who else hates Mondays? Garfield. He hates getting out of bed in general, as do I. Growing up, my brother and I read all of the Garfield books of course, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how similar me and that hilarious fat cat really are.

- Hatred of diets. I can't even make it one day on a diet. Last Thursday I was all set on "eating healthy" and then someone ordered pizza at the bar I was at and offered me some. For free! If I turned down free pizza, I think my universe would implode.

- Hatred of exercise. Almost every single evening, I set my alarm about 45 minutes early and plan on waking up and working out. And then I hit snooze for precisely one hour.

- Don't talk to us before we've had our coffee. My eyes don't fully open until I've been up for at least an hour and have a river of caffeine in my veins. Talking to me pre-coffee is futile, you may as well be talking to a grumpy confused muppet.

- Hates spiders. Who likes spiders? They're creepy as fuck, have way too many legs, freaky terrifying baby nests, and there are few things worse than walking into a web. Plus they bite you for no damn reason and even though I will not hesitate to mash the shit out of one if I see it, they don't know that, so what the crap are they biting me for? A spider just put Shanon's Mom in the hospital a few weeks ago, no joke. Fuck spiders.

- Lay. Zee. Cat does not do what he don't wanna. How can I not respect that?

- Loves making fun of Jon and his inability to get laid. I enjoy making fun of many of my friends for this as well.

- Has a thing for fucked up teeth. You could drive a Buick through the gap in Arlene's front teeth, something I would normally make fun of except that I realized that I have dated a mess of dudes with fucked up teeth and only one had a British accent to blame it on. Go figure.

- Wants to ship Nermal to Abu Dhabi. Duh, Nermal's always trying to steal the spotlight by being all cute and youthful and shit, who needs that. Send that dude first class.

- Hates the vet. This is the equivalent of my hatred of going to the Doctor/Dentist and avoiding both at all costs. Teeth are supposed to bleed when you brush them, right?

- Likes destroying things. See above paragraph about phone.

- Loves watching TV.  Almost as much as I do!

- Sleeps with his teddy bear/best friend Pooky. My sock monkey (Saki) has been camped out in my bed for years. We kick it every night.

- Always says "Big Fat Hairy Deal." This is how I feel about problems that are not my own.

- Likes to perform songs on a fence for an unappreciative audience. Most people reading this have been lucky enough to hear me karaoke. You're welcome.

I also love how all his book titles are just about his obesity; Garfield "Takes The Cake," "Rolls On," "Eats His Heart Out," "Swallows His Pride," "Goes To Waist," "Tips The Scales," etc., and my favorite, "Somehow Gets Fatter."

I'm going home to make myself a huge bowl of spaghetti.

1 comment:

  1. book fair: the kids who wanted to exercise their developing literary prowess and only buy books with that silver, elitist newberry award sticker can all go to hell. precious allowance dollars were spent on garfield collections. especially the ones with, ooo, shiny covers, or colored pages. bike ride to pizza hut with my garfield books and i had myself a nice little saturday going. the simple joys of childhood.