Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Broke High Rollin'

These days, seems like everyone I know be slummin' down in Broketown and I'm about to join the ranks, after spending all my monies on a video camera (an investment that I don't forsee getting me into any trouble whatsoever and will obviously make me a gazillionaire). Luckily, I have spent much of my quasi-adult life dating dudes how are less adult and more broke than me, so I am sufficiently prepared to roll penniless in this city. Here are some helpful tips I suggest you print out, laminate and carry with you for reference at all times. Unless you're seriously cash strapped, in which case just grab a paperclip and carve them into your forearm.

Food -
I may be a retard of sorts in the kitchen, but if there's one thing I know how to do, it's keep a full belly on the cheaps and I'm not talking bullshit ramen noodles either. Since I don't eat meat, am more down than I should be with Kraft mac 'n cheese and $1.50 bodega sandwiches and have made my peace with the heart attack I can expect around 43 due to said diet, cheap eats are easy for me. But seriously, if you have even one fiver to spare, take that Lincoln for a walk to a bar that serves free pizza or happy hour buffet. No-brainer.

Drinks - Say hello to some old friends; forties & flasks, because you're gonna be hanging out with these dudes a whole lot. Or just break out the sex eyes and try getting people to buy you drinks, but this is only if you enjoy talking to people you don't know and don't want to sleep with. I do not.

Exercise -
No gym membership for you, chunky-monks. Instead, exercise will be taken in the form of walking/biking your ass around, and boning. And these all work together you see, the more walking/biking you do, the less often you will have to call a time out mid-bone because you have a stitch in your side (don't judge me, it's been a long Winter).

Clothes - Take that shit to an exchange shop and swap it out, but don't fall into the trap I always do at Beacon's Closet which is this; I take a bag of clothes there, they offer me maybe forty dollars in store credit, or twenty duckets of cold hard cash. The smart thing to do would be take the credit and get myself some new boots or something, but while contemplating which option I need more, I end up glancing out the window across the street to the Brooklyn Brewery. Inevitably, I take the scratch and march my torn hobo-clothed self over to the brewery and spend it on beers. On second thought, just shoplift.

Drugs -
Being a chick means this battle is already half won, I mean, I don't remember ever actually paying for a roofie... But seriously, dudes love giving chicks drugs in hopes this will get them laid. Funny 'cause it works!

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