Thursday, March 18, 2010

Counting Sheep

Lately I have been in one of those phases where I can't seem to fall asleep at night. This is problematical, because it means I will be a grumpy beav the next day and spend all my measly wages at Starbucks and daydream about swimming pools and sandwiches and being an X-Man instead of getting anything done. Luckily I have some surefire contingency plans for when The Sandman is off nailing the Tooth Fairy or whatever he does when he's not gently roofie-ing little kids away to Slumberland:


Booze. Who's there to celebrate with you when you get a job/married/knocked up/clean STD bill of health? Booze. Who comforts you when you get dumped/fired/Cleveland Steamered/rabies? Booze. It helps get me laid and helps me forget people I probably shouldn't have taken the scenic route through Bonetown with, so of course hittin the sauce helps me catch some zzzs, what can't booze do.

Thinking about outfits. I quite enjoy lying in bed and planning crazy outfits to wear the next day and I have no idea why, but doing this makes me way sleepy. What happens is I plan these elaborate get-ups, like over the knee socks with tights and a jumper and heels and a vest and a beret and samurai sword or some shit, then wake up, put it all on and realize I look like a crazy person. I usually go to work like that anyway, since there is no dress code at my office so I like to see what I can get away with.


Pot. This actually can go either way. Sometimes when I'm stoned I start to think about whether or not ghosts are real and if so, is the one from the wild west that I suspect haunts my apartment here for good or evil, or I become convinced that my left and right eyes see in entirely different colors and I'm too scared to go to sleep, lest I wake up blind, as was the case Monday night. Other times I can barely make it the seven steps off my couch to my bed. Go figure.

The Alphabet Song, by The Three Stooges. When I was a little Jenny, my Dad used to sing me this song all the time. It did not help to teach me the alphabet in the slightest, but I'll recite this jam in my head if I'm having trouble nodding off and without fail, I pass out before making it to "Z."

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