Monday, March 15, 2010

Gold Diggin'

The rain threw a serious wrench in the Bonerworks this weekend and by Sunday I had decided to flip it the bird, give up and get stoned all day with Gandy while watching "Millionaire Matchmaker" for five hours straight. I then had two ephiphanies: 1. Uh, that show is fucking amazing, I could watch that crazy bitch Patti yell at rich people all damn day, this is why I do not have cable, I'd never leave my house and 2. I could never be a gold-digger, for the following reasons:

- I would be even lazier. My sugar daddy would be all "Jenny did you go do that thing that rich people's wives do while I was at work making boku bucks?" and I'd be all "Hmmm, if I had, who would have beat the new Guitar Hero World Tour on medium and made sure the whiskey didn't go bad, the maid? I think not."

- I like that Kanye song "Gold Digger" way too much, so I'm sure I would do something dumb like start whistling it while hanging out with the 24k gold toilet I'd require in the pre-nup and then the jig would be totally up. Did that just rhyme? You're welcome.

- Mo money, mo problems. Actually, this is horse shit. You know what my biggest problem is? NOT HAVING ANY MONEY. What do loaded folk have to be worried about, people "liking me for me and not for my gajillions"? Well boo-hoo, if you find out that's the case, just pay to have them assassinated and pull some "Coming To America" shit to find out who your true homies are, since you are rich and have lots of spare time and can probably even hire James Earl Jones to dress up in some lion skins and play your Dad. Would be tight.

- I'd turn into a Fattysaurus Rax. A personal chef would have to be included in the deal, because why be rich if you can't demand chocolate chocolate-chip pancakes with whipped cream smiley faces like they do up at the IHOP at 4am and have your chef battle your friends' chefs in order to earn his keep. No, no, scratch that, we would spend our days inventing new, mind-blowing Doritos flavors until we struck oil on an even BETTER chip formula and become millionaires and nurture baby gold diggers of our own.

- I don't like rich people. Oh wait, I meant I don't know any. I should get on that.

- Pretending to love someone? Not so much. I have a hard enough time pretending to like most of my friends and I don't even sleep with (all of) them. I just can't shake the feeling I'd end up like Julianne Moore in "Magnolia" (would kinda rule).


1 comment:

  1. I just read your blog while listening to "Beast of Burden" which is interesting because the topics are similar. Remember, down the shore that one time when we were both like, yeah,I totally thought the lyrics were "I don't need no Pizza Burning"! Right on.