Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Jen On Film

When I hang out with little kids (no pedo), I always wonder what terrible movies they will be raised on and what subsequent effect they will have on them later in life, as movies I loved in the 80's/early 90's had on mine. "Toy Story" and shit? No way, how is Buzz Lightyear gonna scar/teach them valuable life lessons like the following did for me.

The Toy. This is one of those movies that would never, ever get made today. I'm sure my parents were thrilled during the portion of me & my brother's childhood that this was our favorite movie, the story of a spoiled brat named Master Bates (how did the writers get away with this, seriously) who is so bored with his toys that he purchases a black man.

Labyrinth. Sike, this movie isn't terrible, it's my all-time favorite! Nine times out of ten I wake up after a night of drinking and this movie has found it's way to my DVD player. Goblins are clearly involved. Why just today I spent a good portion of the morning googling Labyrinth tattoos, peep this balls-out Ludo piece. I think I'm in love.

Drop Dead Fred. No wonder I got in so much trouble when I was a kid, Fred was my hero and I was super jealous of all the cool shit him & Lizzie pulled in this movie. If only I had an imaginary friend to blame for tracking dog poo all over the rug and playing burglars and stealing my Dad's vodka....now. I still wish I could kick it with Fred; he calls Lizzie's Mom the "Mega Bitch," coined the phrase "death breath," and doesn't love anyone because "love is for girls and girls are disgusting." Dude is like the fountain of truth. Plus the following scene is by far my favorite way of referring to my lady friends who haven't been laid in awhile:

The Wizard. Two words; Power. Glove. When Nintendo invented this bad boy, the sound of thousands of small children's minds being blown was heard round the world. I remember thinking holy fucking shit, what does this glove do, I bet it could kick my brother's ass and give me the ability to fly and make me invisible and I could shoot things with it and turn them into candy. If I recall, it did not do any of those things. This whole movie was basically an hour and a half long commercial for Nintendo. And I love every nerdy minute of it.

Note: I own all of these movies on DVD, minus The Toy.

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