Wednesday, March 24, 2010

People I'd Like To Meet

I've never been one to swoon over celebrities. I mean, sure, I had a crush on Ted from "Hey Dude" when I was a kid but I chose to spend my allowance on candy cigarettes, X-Men cards, Archie comics and bomber snaps instead of Tiger Beat and shit. Now that I'm an adult, I spend my work allowance or "salary" if you will, on doobie cigs, metrocards,  uhh...Calvin & Hobbes books...and...fireworks and bomber snaps. Sigh.

What I'm getting at here, is that I never really fantasized about meeting famous people, so when I say "people I'd like to meet" I'm not talking Johnny Depp or any faggo Twilight teenage man-boys because if we met, we would what, become facebook friends? Start hanging out? Whereareas I feel like these people are quote unquote real, and therefore I could add them to my band of misfits and maybe even start a gang one day or something. But that sounds ambitious, we would most likely sit around making wildly funny videos of one another while on various prescription meds.

Someone with Tourettes. Yes, at some point we have all played "The Kid Who Cried Tourettes," whether it was to get you out of trouble with your parents/teachers for saying a bad word or to beat a rape charge, but real Tourettes is nut tee. I actually watched a PBS special on kids with Tourettes that made the case that it could be all psychological, but I choose to think it isn't. Sure, as Desi Arenez sez, you would have some 'splainin to do! but the few times you get to have a valid excuse for screaming obscenities at a cop/preist/small child without fear of retribution makes it all worth it.

Someone with Narcolepsy. This would be adorable! Falling asleep in their soup and whatnot. I'd make them wear a protective outfit of pillows and a helmet and would duct-tape oven mitts on their hands. Okay, I'm really just looking for an excuse to dress one of my friends up like this and have "American Gladiator" fights with, so sue me.

Someone with a peg leg and/or hook for hand. And NOT just 'cause pirate sex is every 28 year old's fantasy. A few months ago, I was reading my National Geographic and came across a crazy article on bionic limbs, ears, eyes, you name it. That shit was bonkers, bionic limb technology has gotten so good that you can even make a sandwich with your bionic arm, spread that mayo and everything. But if I had a friend with a bionic arm, I would be like do you ever wish we could go back, back to a time where cell phones didn't exist, there were no blogs or email, and our lives weren't run by iPods and cyborgs and the interwebs? Me too, now swap out that bio-hand for a hook and let's go scare some campers.

Someone of the Hasidic persuasion. We've been through this. I technically have "met" Hasids-a-plenty, so I guess by "meet" I mean interrogate for hours on end.

Someone who trains wild animals. Or bees! Think I am going to do this tonight, in fact, as I am going to a beekeeper party. I plan on getting them drunk and making them compare bee sting wounds, much like that scene when they're out at sea shark-hunting in "Jaws."

Upon completion of this post, I realize I pretty much just want to roll with the cast of "Deuce Bigalow."

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