Friday, March 5, 2010

People Not To Befriend

There are certain people that you can't avoid frequent interactions with, who don't always make the best additions to your collective friends. It seems like a good idea at first, until you eventually say to yourself, "I've made a huge mistake," but when you realize it's time to hit the Eject button and get outta that friendship, you find out your parachute's really a knapsack and it's already far too late.
Like these people:

Sammie makers. Shanon learned this one the hard way (Literally!). But on the reals, you may be tempted to befriend your sandwich shop man or woman, as I was with my local Subway employee, (to try and get them to hook me up with more than TWO slices of cheese on my cheese hoagie, seriously, they are the stingiest fuckers) but it's not worth it in the end. My friend Josh got cornered into becoming facebook friends with his sandwich lady and now he can't go in there anymore cause shit got weird. I, on the other hand, enjoy Ashby's salads immensely and take every opportunity to rub it in his face that he can no longer frequent this convenient lunch spot.

Drug Dealers. Duh-uh. This shit almost always manages to take a turn for the weird. It gets all awkward like, is this a friend hang or am I going to have to give you money to hang... If it is just a friend hang, you usually end up buying drugs anyways because, you know, they're there. Business & pleasure, keep them bitches away from each other.
*Sidenote: Shanon apparently thinks we live in the movie Scarface, since I asked her thoughts on this and she responded, "What about date? I would date a drug dealer. They always have the best apartments. And stuff."

Hookers. It gets all messy when the client thinks they're friends and then doesn't really want to pay, they just invite them places to "hang out." A lot of times I'm sure they really are friends for true, but there comes a point where the hooker is like yea, friends are great and all, but mama needs to pay them bills. More business & pleasure, see above.

Hair stylists. I lost a friend who is a hair dresser, due to the terrible haircut he gave me. In all fairness, I paid him in beer, but still. He didn't even have any idea about what an awful job he did either, due to my impeccable acting skills, but then Blair went and spilled the beans to him so he called me flipping out and I tried to get him to admit that he did a crap job and he refused. Friendship terminated. We weren't really that good friends, but it did cost me a book I had lent him. Wait, I hated that book though and he did too much blow anyway, so it's probs for the best. Hair stylists love cocaine, why is that. Meh, I guess if I had to make small talk with strangers all day, I'd be hitting the slopes too.

Russians. I actually have no problems with Rooskies, but I asked Gandy to weigh in on who he would not befriend and that was his answer, because: "Their eyes are shifty and you never know when they might rape you. But to me that's kind of hot."

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