Friday, April 16, 2010

Caught In The Act

Doesn't the name of this post seem like it should be the title of a Whoopi Goldberg vehicle, perhaps one in which she poses as an unlikely nun? Anywho, I was doing something weird and embarrassing by myself the other day, like eating heat peanuts for dinner and drinking wine alone while reading a trashy mag in my underpants and watching One Tree Hill or some shit and thought to myself wow, how embarrassed would I be if someone stopped by right now? The answer is extremely. I'm not that easily embarrassed, (sobriety level plays a big hand in this) but here are things that have shamed me in the past:

- Get caught jerking off. Okay, his has never actually happened to me, nor have I ever caught anyone, which is surprising, considering I have a brother who was once a teenager, but I imagine it sucks. It would be way more humiliating to get caught doing this as a chick, guys are expected to jerk off all the time, dude I know chose spanking it over showering in the morning if he was running late to work. With the ladies it's more of a don't ask don't tell thing for some reason.

- Get caught eating food that fell on the floor/desk. If I drop my sandwich or something equally important to me, like diamonds, you best believe I will not think twice about rescuing it from wherever it landed and eating it. I am above many things, shame sandwiches is not one of them.

- Getting caught IM'ing the wrong person. Speaking of sandwiches, one time, inexplicably, an IM I sent to Shanon went to her coworker. Wouldn't have been a big deal, except the message was something like, "That sandwich was so good, if it was a wang I'd have sex with it." I'm not cut out for the professional world, huh.

- Get caught farting. The embarrassment level on this one is completely contingent on the situation, because I generally find farts hi-larious. My friend Josh informed me that on average, a person farts 14 times per day, which prompted me to google farts and then silently cry with laughter at my desk for the next twenty minutes at my findings. But if you were at a job interview or meeting the president and you ripped one, probs wouldn't be as funny as fartnames.com.

 - Get caught reading a fantasy novel. One guess who got caught doing this one. One guess. 

- Get caught boning. This was embarrassing the first time it happened to me. Yes, that's right, first. I will get the hang of door locks one of these days.

- Get caught walking around naked. I need to write on my bathroom mirror "YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE."

- Get caught checking out dudes and/or chicks. This doesn't really embarrass me, I find it funny. I even like to do the exaggerated double take. Especially because if you do a double take and they catch you cause then it means they were checking you out right back, so everybody wins. As for checking out chicks, I do it in a non-lesbionical way all the time, for various reasons, mainly outfit-related, but also because I believe that boobs are meant for everyone to enjoy.

- Get caught urinating in public. Funny story; I was walking through Little Italy a few years back with some friends who were visiting, when a stranger came up to me and said "Jenny? Do you remember me? I'm glad you made it home ok!" then proceeded to explain how he knew me. Turns out that during the blizzard that past Winter, I was walking home from the bar and decided to pee between two cars, which is when he happened upon me, and scared me I guess, since I fell into a snowbank with my pants down. Tres embarrassment! He felt bad/was worried and so made sure I got to my apartment ok. I have no recollection of this of course, but what a nice man. My friends probably would have agreed with me if they hadn't been so busy laughing and giving me Seriously Jenny, What Is Your Life looks. That was pretty much the icing on the public pee cake, so now that shit don't even phase me.

- Get caught shitting in public. If this has happened to you, you are most likely a bum and how did you find your way to the interwebs, hobo. Scram.

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