Thursday, April 29, 2010

Flirting 101

We all know that I'm the worst at flirting. Seriously. The worst. But here are some tips I've picked up / taught myself that will probably never come in handy but at least I get a kick out of it.

1. George Constanza that shit out. As in, say a funny one-liner then get the hell out of there. Last night I went to a party at a clothing store and they had free drinks and weird Swedish candy set up in a giant tent. It was a very intimate setting and I didn't realize there were about 4 people standing behind me as I got my drink. I took one sip and made a "holy fuck that's strong" face. Then I said to no one in particular, "Stiff and delicious!" I turned around and was greeted by dead silence and awkward stares. The next words out of my mouth? "That's what she said." Then I exited the tent. A stylish black dude came up to me later and said he was totally blown away by what just happened in the tent. Success!

2. Make fun of the other person. The same dude from the story above eventually gave me his card. I took one look, busted out laughing and then tossed it on the ground. It had his photo on it! His response was "Yeah girl, that shit's so hot you can't even keep your hands on it." Boom, done. He loves me!


3. Always assume the dude is gay. Nothing gives a lady that "I-don't-give-a-fuck" bravado more than the belief that they have absolutely no chance of getting the guy into naked territory. Jenny likes to take it a step further and actually call the dude gay, on the reasoning that they will have to prove their way out. You see where this is going. Brilliant!

4. If all else fails, just say nothing and stare. The other night I was at a friends pot-luck and saw some Portuguese dudes I wanted to get to know better (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). I went to stand next to them, we smiled and nodded at each other, then I put my hands in my pockets and kept my mouth shut. One of them started laughing and said, "Really? You can't think of an opener?" Hook. Line. Sinker.

5. Show some boobies. This was the first thing Jenny thought of when I asked her for some flirting tips. But yeah, that shit works.

6. Never try to hide your farts. Honesty is always the best way to go. Just fess up if you let loose the goose. The dude will respect you all the more for it. By the way this has, um, never happened to me before? Yeah, final answer.

7. Don't be afraid to don those beer goggles. Let's face it, booze makes everything better! It makes our problems go away, gives us a healthy boost of confidence, and makes chubs look like Erik from True Blood. How it do that? Don't question it. And don't be afraid to get good and drunk before flirting with a dude. It'll make the experience that much more hilarious for your friends.

8. Slapping butts is ok. Guys don't tend to have the kind of asses you can grab, so it's not offensive in the slightest to smack it. Let me be clear, it's not ok when dudes do this to ladies. A phantom hand slapped my booty in a crowded subway and I was MIFFED. But going to a bar and slapping a cute boys butt is a great conversation starter.

9. Tell him he looks like he has a big cock. This one's all Gandy. But you know what? I'm totally gonna use that line.

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