Friday, April 30, 2010

Hangover Cures & Robot Pandas

Since I am still deep in the throes of this hangover, I shall share my secret hangover remedies / eases with you, even though none of them work anymore because I think my liver has ceased to function.  But once upon a time when I was young and beautiful, these did the trick.

Box yourself in the head - yes, this sounds like the worst idea ever, but for some odd reason when I had a massive migraine I could slam the sides of my head and it would make the pain go away for a couple of minutes.  That window of opportunity just might give you the chance to fall asleep, and when you awaken, unicorns will be having sex on top of your Care Bear sheets and the world will be a bright and wonderful place.

Eat spoonfuls of sugar -  hey, why the fuck is "spoonfuls" spelled with one "l"?  Does this make any sense?  Spoon is spelled normally.  And "full" has two "ll"s.  So why in the sweet name of Harry Potter's pubes would spoonful only have one "l"??? Fucking retarded.  Anyway, hangovers = headaches = migraines = puking balls.  Make the ball puking experience into a pleasant one by eating spoonfuls of sugar!  I used to do this as a little kid and carried that shit all the way into physical adulthood.  You want to vomit bliss?  Sugar that shit up.


Make dinosaur noises - I'm telling you, this works.  I moan a lot when hungover, because somehow just making pathetic noises makes me feel better.  By taking this to the next level and literally stomping around with your arms up like a tyrannosaurus and making dino-calls you can make your hangover at least 35% less severe.  It's SCIENCE.  

Wack off / diddle your love swamp - the more hungover I am, the more times I wax the ol' statue of Captain Picard.  Even though I lose valuable fluids during this exercise, it's well worth it to escape into a world of double penetration and whores who love the taste of their own ass.  Downside is that if you have a headache, that brain scrambling pain will come back twice as bad for the couple of minutes after you finish.

Watch terrible movies on Sci Fi - the films on Sci Fi channel are so goddamn terrible that they actually numb the brain so that you can't feel the physical pain of your hangover.  After watching "Dinocroc," "Crocosaurus," "Sharktopus," "Dracucroc" and "Count Crocenstein" you will fall into a deep healing coma and potentially emerge from your human body as a glowing alien, just like in the fantastically excellent film, "Cocoon," starring your hero and mine, Steve Gutenberg.

Drink - whatever you were doing last night, do it again this morning.  Jenny turned me onto the truly amazing "pickleback" drink (pickle juice and whiskey).  Obviously this isn't a secret, but some people are such huge pussies that they refuse to drink anything the day (or days) after getting really drunk and hungover, and I have no respect for these colossal ass hats.  You see, you have to teach your body who is boss and if you skip boozing your body will make a negative association with booze that can have long term negative effects.  Better to man up and sock your liver right back to where it belongs.  Pretty soon we'll have replacements for all our organs anyway, which means, yes, you can finally have the 5-cocked starfish genitals you always wanted.

Here are robotic pandas, as promised.  I know...I'm too good to you.


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