Monday, April 19, 2010

The Menagerie

While walking around yesterday I passed a dude carrying a plastic cage with a guinea pig in it and was reminded of how much I can't stand those things. As far as pets go, I find them useless and annoying. The squeaky sound they make sucks, they're dumb as bricks, and who wants a pet that looks like the result of a rabbit that fucked a rat. I never had one growing up, I never even asked for one of those stupid overgrown bucktoothed hamsters, which is surprising because check out all the pets we did have, in order from my most liked to least:

Dogs. Our first dog, Sasha (RIP) was a pretty good dog, except that she only listened to/loved my Dad way more than anyone else in the family and it was blatantly obvious. Even after my Dad accidentally hit her in the eye with a golfball and blinded her (true story).

Cats. We all know the story of good old Sir Fur, but we had two other cats after Surf that I dug, Cinders and Little Kitty.Yes, four people in my family and the best name we could come up with for our cat was Little Kitty.

Bunny. His name was Thumper (my family will out-animal-name yours any day, btw) and he chewed through his hutch to freedom. He was...cute? I dunno, what else do rabbits do.

Hamsters. Okay, the reason I like hamsters and want to punch guinea pigs is because hamsters are not only cuter and quieter, they are more fun to watch and run on wheels and through tunnels and don't have long gross tails like gerbils and mice/rats and they're really good at escaping. We had a few hamsters, but my favorite was Pooky (named after Garfield's best friend of course) who we thought died once, but then my Mom brought him back to life. Okay, maybe he was just sleeping or hibernating, but we were so spooked by Voo Doo Witch Doctor Mom that I don't think we fought or wiped boogers on the walls for like a solid week.

Bird. We had a cockatiel named Peaches that was my Mom's homeboy (Homegirl? Does it matter with birds? Nah.) and used to kick it on her shoulder all day, much like if she were a pirate. It did this so much that Captain Mom would forget it was even there and one day she opened the front door to check the mail and Peaches abandoned ship.

Lizards. Chameleons! Two of em! One of the best days of my childhood was when the cat knocked their cage over and they escaped. My Mom saw one under an end table downstairs, grabbed it, and its tail came off in her hand. Try and imagine something better than being eight and seeing your Mom's face as this went down. I can not.

Turtle. I don't even remember his name. He sucked. I "built" him a cage, which was really my frisbee propped up by a rock and the corner of the back porch and the water heater, thinking this would be fine because he's a fucking turtle, where's he going, and he escaped. TWICE. The first time I found him in our neighbor's garden. Second time I decided I didn't care.

Other crappy pets included; hand-caught frogs, squirrels (we'll save that for another day), hermit crabs and a goldfish, but these were all extremely short-lived. And holy shit, I just realized that nearly every pet we have owned has escaped or attempted it, except the dogs and that is most likey only because they were on leashes and the goldfish because he was clearly no fucking "Nemo". Even our cat Cinders sneaked out the back door one time and tried to make it on her own in the real world. She came crawling back after a week and a half of torrential rain and the realization that she was in fact a giant pussy and man, did she love us after that.

Wild animals. What a bunch of ingrates.

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