Friday, April 23, 2010

Musings on Assholes

The other day Jenny asked me how to describe skaters effects on ladies to dudes that don't actually skate. Sigh. This is like trying to describe why girls love assholes to nice dudes (aka pussies) - it's not going to make any logical sense but that's just the way it is.

Since the dawn of hot boys, girls of different generations have fallen for specific brooding types of men. Let's see if I can get them all in chronological order-ish:

Knights - So bangin! And always single too. These guys are married to their work, which in this case is saving damsels, fighting bad guys and entering tourneys to see who's the greatest champion (the Middle Ages equivalent of turning pro). Then they'd kick back with other knights and drink mead. It's all about the bro hangs with these guys.

Pirates - Also interminably single and totally badass. Ladies were equally frightened and horny for these dudes. Stealing the booty! It's every girl's dream.

Mr. Darcy - In the Victorian era everyone wanted to marry rich (boring!), but the smart ladies knew that the assholes were where it's at. If you were rich AND an asshole, well obviously you were made in the shade. Girls get so huffy when guys are dicks to them, it's all they can think and talk about (hello, this is how drunk texting was born). What's more, you had to be insanely polite back then. Being a dick with manners? SWOON. Mr. Darcy and his ilk were the hottest.

Soldiers - WWI and WWII soldiers got so much pussy. There's nothing hotter than a dude who's off to fight evil (in this case the Central then Axis Powers). Couple that with a high probability of death and girls don't stand a chance. These guys had to have been swimming in tang - pooty tang, that is.

Bikers - Leather jackets, greaser hair and an I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck attitude that pissed off every parent. Of course the ladies wanted to lift up their poodle skirts for these dudes.

Rock Stars - The 60s and 70s were weird. I guess girls wanted to give it up to rock stars the most, but then again hippies also got a lot of vag. I don't really understand this shit so I'll skim over it and just leave it at weird.

Ethan Hawke - Reality Bites fucked over every yuppie in the country. All girls wanted was that dirty grunge scumbag. They didn't have jobs and acted like they didn't care about anything. You know they got laid constantly by girls who wanted to prove that they had feelings, like trying to solve a rubik's cube.

Skaters - Which brings us to the point of my history lesson. Skaters are this generation's hot asshole. They hang out mostly with other dudes, get wasted, do stupid shit constantly, are usually pretty hilarious, and don't give a fuck about most things. Their general demeanor makes them so bonerific, that ladies even find the ugly ones attractive. Let's just say that if two girls are walking down the street and they hear a skateboard, the conversation will come to a dead stop and heads will turn. Watching skaters do tricks and what have you is equivalent to watching a jousting match in the Middle Ages - ladies want to throw their panties at that shit.

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