Washington. Ol' George comes off as très fagè on this bill. I'm definitely sure his teeth and hair are fake and I'm somewhat sure he's wearing those because he's actually an old lesbian in disguise. I cannot tell a lie Gee Dubs, I don't wanna hit them colonial skins with you.
Jefferson. Did they take two dollar bills out of circulation because dude looks like he has down syndrome? Pass.
Lincoln. I would tap that Lincoln Log. He was super tall right, and I love me some giant.
Hamilton. More like Slamilton. This dude is where it's at. What a fox! If they had frat parties back in Ye Olde Hundred Times, we would totally be doing presidential keg stands together.
Jackson. Did he double as a mad scientist or something? Jacko's looking like he has a case of the crays and there's nothing hotter than a man whose sanity level is equal or less than my own.
Grant. Why heh-row, bear.
Franklin. Is it all about the Benjamins? Benneroo seems like he would be a total prude in the sack. And he would probably do something weird like get naked in the other room and make sure it's pitch black before getting into bed. Or just want to "hold each other" all night. Inventing shit is really fun though and he was really good at that. Except daylight savings time, that shit is annoying. Fuck you, Franklin.
Sacajawea. I would pity-fuck Sacajawea, because everyone hates those fucking heavy gold-dollar bullshits they stamped her navajo mug on. Sorry Saccy, to make up for raping your land and people, we're gonna go ahead and put you on the most annoying currency we can think of. You can't fit in any vending machines except for the MTA's and people will accidentally give you to bums and then get mad because they thought you were a quarter, but look! You're made of gold!
I'm not too crazy over what's going on in that papoose o' hers though, but we get it, you're a MILF.
All in all, I think I'ma hold out for some Obama Bucks.