Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Since Shanon and I are so good at starting new columns and then forgetting about them forever, (Remember Shannie's Music Poo Baw...?? Yeah. Me neither.) I thought I'd fire up another; "Ssssecrets." The name pretty much says it all and I find it amusing how creeped out Shanon gets by the way I pronounce it (much like a pervy child molester might).

So here goes - I fucking love Florida! I pretend to hate it but I secretly love it there.

It's warm, there's none of this "Winter" bullshit where I freeze my tits off. Winter is fun when you're either sledding or waiting for Santa, any other time and it can suck a chilly dong. They have pawn & porn shops that are delightful if you have the sack to make it past the spooky exterior and hilariously named strip clubs all over the place like "Bare Assets," which for some reason gets me every time.

And people eat dinner at 4:30 which is when I like to eat too! Anytime after six or so and I'm already punching the clock at my other job - Boozin'. Much like a Gremlin, my body rejects anything that isn't alcohol after 10pm.  I mean, sure, the whole state smells like old people and the panhandle is not worth stopping to take a crap in (as we learned on our road trip in the town we dubbed "Shitsville") but this is a small price to pay for the luxury of fast food restaurants as far as the eye can see, all the waterparks you can handle, and an amusement park for everyone from Harry Potter losers to alcoholics (Busch Gardens).

I can't wait to go back.


  1. For Some reason my post keeps not posting...

    Any Way I am with you on the Florida Tip, Who ever would have guessed but Florida really does have everything.

    The Sun, Dog tracks, Sonic Burger, Varicose Veins, Good fishing, Swiming, Beach Bars, Pool Bars, Odd Lots, Big Lots, the aforementioned amusement parks and Elderly F.U.P.A in a one-pieceFloral Swim Suit.

    Q: What else do you need?
    A: Daiquiris, and they got them too.

  2. how the donkey dick did i forget the dog race track?