Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fruit Musings

It's gettin' all hot and shit, which means that fruit season is upon us (Winter fruit is always suspect). Fruit and I have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes I am all about it and would jump a fence or wrestle a squirrel for some blueberries, but other times, I'd rather catch Scurvey from lack of vitamin C than attempt to choke down a sub-par orange.

Generally, I don't like fruit that is a production to eat. Pick that shit off a tree/bush/chiquita banana's hat and be done with it. This is why I opt out of apples, pears, plums and the like; I don't want to be left with a core to deal with and have to throw it at someone or look for a trashcan because I know it's biodegradable and whatnot but it still feels kinda wrong and the last thing I need is to get hassled by some patchouli-huffing no-good hippie. And fruit that sticks you with their wrapping paper is the worst; bananas, oranges, kiwis, same deal. This is why berries and grapes are the rulers of my fruit kingdom. Except for strawberries, since you get so caught up in making sure you pick a good one that before you know it you're back at square one with that annoying little green stem.

I wasn't crazy about mangos until I bought one from the Mexican lady selling them at the track cause she put hot sauce, salt and lemon juice up on it and now that shit tastes just like Doritos. It's my new favorite food and motivates me to run to the track just to get one, as I did last night and plan on doing again later. Thank you, Magic Mexi She-witch.

What also is a bummer about fruit is the better it tastes the more difficult it is to get to. Pineapples? Delicious, but those are some stabby motherfuckers. I'm so tired and bloody and mangled by the time I get to the good stuff I dunno if I even want it anymore. And everyone knows coconuts are the best, but carrying around dynamite & machetes seems to be frowned upon since 9/11 (thanks for nothing, terrorists) and I have no idea how else to crack them open. Wait, what is this, like the harder you work for something, the better the payoff will be? What crap. The last thing I need is life lessons from some smug-ass fruit.

I'll leave you with a touching song about nature's vaginafruit - the papaya.


  1. grapes are good for infusing with vodka and fooling your coworkers into thinking you just prefer your grapes frozen.