Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Japanese Toilet, My Newest Frienemy

My department moved upstairs to some swankier digs this week. It's a pretty nice spot with lots of sunlight, plush leather couches, chandeliers, brick walls ...and a Japanese toilet.

This thing is like something out of Star Trek. The seat automatically lifts when you get near it and there's no flush handle, only a series of buttons, all which I am afraid to push. Oscillating? Pulsating? Front cleansing? It's a torture device!

What's more, the seat is heated! Who thought of this? Do people in Japan actually complain about cold derrieres so much that some scientist had to come up with this? It's like someone took a dump for 5 hours right before me every time I sit down on that thing.

The worst part is, I'm afraid to drop a deuce in it. I heard Japanese people poop rice-size mini-dumplings and I'm not sure if American power-turds were taken into consideration. Jameson help me, I'm not ready for the future!

And yes, this is an actual photo. I shit you not. Uhhh-thankyou.

1 comment: