Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Ssssecrets

For some reason, we get those trashy/awesome gossip rags like "Ok!" and "Star" delivered to my office. I have since discovered that I quite enjoy taking them home to read alone while cooking dinner on "grownup" aka "sober" nights (Not my secret, btw, not even close. Chicks are powerless against these. You know even the top woman nuclear physicist in the world makes a pit stop at Hudson News and scoops one up before hopping on any form of public transport. It's in our DNA.) The one I was reading the other night had an "article" about celebrities and how sex tapes have impacted their careers and it got me thinking about my secret, which is that I have never made a sex tape of my own.

There's no particular reason for this, except maybe that I am subconsciously smart enough to sleep with dudes too poor to own video equipment or maybe because I inadvertently taught myself this lesson already.

My buddy left his disposable camera at my house one time and I thought it would be funny to take a crotch shot with it. Nothing explicit, but whenever I'd accidentally leave my camera at a male friend's house, a mysterious blurry set of twig & berries would always pop up (ha) in the developed prints and so I thought a blurry taco pic would be equally hilarious, which I took and then immediately forgot about. What I did not plan on, was the email I received from him a few months later, subject; "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" with a clear-as-a-bell beaver shot of yours truly, framed by a Hello Kitty border which really gave it a je ne sais pedophile. So far, he has kept said photo under wraps and I trust him to keep it that way.  Which may not be my wisest choice, considering he recently used logic like this; "If you don't we will have to get someone else to, so wouldn't you rather it just be you?" to try and convince me to have a threesome with him and his room mate.

So while I'm glad my south park isn't all over the interwebs, I'm betting select male friends of his have seen it because sharing pics of naked chicks is just what dudes do, whereas us ladies just don't give a fuck. If I tell one of my girlfriends about a new dude I'm dating, their first question will probs be along the lines of "Eeee where did you meet?!" not "Do you have any dong shots?"*


*Gandy & Blair excluded.

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