Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ssssecrets

I love cruises! For. Real. I fucking LOVE that shit. My grandparents were pretty lazy when it came to traveling and cruises were the answer to their lazy prayers. Think about it - you go to a bazillion different cities in 10 days, all while staying in the same place where your meals are taken care of and there are dope activities for when you're bored. You feel like singing karaoke at 3 in the afternoon? Sure thing! You don't wanna go to that one bar by the pool? No problem! There are 5 other bars - it's a giant fucking boat!

I have been on 6 cruises in my short lifetime - 4 to Alaska (my grandfather also enjoyed vacationing to the same place every year), one to the British Isles and Scandinavia, and one around Europe.

I met my very first boyfriend on a cruise when I was 10. We totally held hands and hung out every day. But then some crazy bitch got jealous and told me to "stay the fuck away from him." That was the first time anyone ever said "fuck" to me and I was so scared I almost dookied my pants. After that I was afraid to go 5 steps from my mom and would make her hold my hand if said tough bitch was around. When she saw me and my mom holding hands she said "Holding hands? Is your mom gay or something?" I ran back to my room and cried after that one. No one calls my mom gay! ...except me (I totally asked her if she was a 'bo when I was in high school).

We did the British Isles and Scandanavia cruise when I was 21 and boy did me and my uncle get hammered. He kept asking this other passenger with big boobs to hug him. It was pretty pervy and awesome, but at the time I was too busy flirting with a British crew member to make fun of him. The next day I yakked everywhere but it was worth it because me and the Brit boy totally did it in his cabin. Sexy times!

The last cruise was just me and my grandma around Europe. We missed the boat on the very first stop (too much boozin in Barcelona) and had to fly to Cannes to catch up with it. The crew totally made fun of us since obviously everyone knew that two passengers were missing. They keep excellent records, you see. Me and my grams spent the rest of our time getting drunk at this one bar. She would call it a night then I would stay and hang with the bartender. We made out a few times but I think he got weirded out when I tried to tell him that relationships between passengers and crew members were frowned upon. What can I say? I was trying to get my Titanic on!

So yeah, I love cruises and am totally gonna make my future hubbie and kids go on them with me. Fuck it. I might just go on one by myself.

1 comment:

  1. I WILL JOIN YOU. Cruise out of Brooklyn. We can take a cab top redhook, get on a boat aand drink till our livers pop

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