Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Bonerkiller of the Day

Shirtless dudes. It's finally Summertime, wheeeeeee! Summer is great. This Winter made me want to punch my face in the face, but boy do I love Summer! BBQ's and swimming and the beach and bikes and watermelon and hammocks mushrooms and too hot for pants (okay, those last two are year-round)!!

But Summer has its downsides, the first which I have already experienced; shirtless dudes. Seeing as I live in New York and there's not much farmwork and everyone's pasty as Casper, there are few situations I feel dudes should be going shirtless in the city, which I have narrowed down for you as follows:

1. Pre and/or post-bone. I'm not saying full nakeyness is a getting busy requirement, maybe there's no time or maybe you're lazy like me and remember the first rule of Sexy Physics; what comes off must eventually go back on again and so therefore remove as little clothing as possible, but this is a shirtless get out of jail free card.

2. Within 100 yards of a body of water. Even if they don't end up actually going in, it at least gives the illusion they might, which is comforting. Beaches, lakes, pools, waterparks, boats, even a fire hydrant I will give the green light to, but the dude who romped around the park in Brooklyn a few weeks ago, shirtless & barefoot, doing handstands and playing with one of those "Foxtails" made by "Klutz" for FOUR HOURS? No. Times infinity. No takebacks.

3. You're under ten years old. Hot. KIDDING! That's not even "Twilight" age, gross.

4. You're Tracy Morgan!

But if you are a man and happen to find yourself shirtless in a scenario not listed above, it most likely means you are one of the following:

1. A Crazy hobo (Not as hot as it sounds, also the inspiration for this post).
2. A longboard owner.
3. A gay man on Grndr (Is taking a self-portrait with your cell phone camera in the bathroom mirror a required in order to join this jam? It must be).

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