Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Winey

In case no one has noticed, it has been hotter than Satan's taint lately and this has proved problematical for me in many ways, especially in the dinner party department, specifically relating to wine. See, I really can only drink red wine. White wine not only gives me such crazy heartburn that I barf, but the last time I drank enough of it to get drunk, I blacked out at Easter dinner at Nicky's parents house around 4pm and her Grandma had to take me outside for a cig to prevent me from clearing the table and breaking shit (so I hear). Yet I can take down a magnum of red like a champ. I dunno why them's the rules, but I'm not arguing with science.

And herein lies my dilemma; when I go to a dinner party, like most people, I bring a bottle of wine to quell the shakes and combat boring friends. In Wintertime, everything's gravy, but come Summertime I am up Dooky Creek without a paddle. My solution? Red wine with ice cubes.

People put ice cubes in white wine all the damn time so why does everyone's panties get bunched as the Bradys when I put some cubes in my glass of cabernet? I have drank sangria that came in a box and cost 99 cents with my friend before and yet she acted like I farted in her purse when I offered her a glass of chilly red last night. And real talk, in all likelihood we're drinking Trader Joe's three-buck-chuck anyways, so they should be thanking me for putting the deep freeze on their taste buds. Shanon informed me that this was a faux-pas and "the rest of the civilized world doesn't do it" and I had something about it as my facebook status to which my friend Cary commented, "Like school in summer. Baby." which I think is supposed to mean I have no class, but I am tired of this bourgeois "I saw 'Sideways" wine attitude and right now I'm running on 2.5 hours of sleep here, so Ima go drink red wine with ice cubes on my couch until I pass out, like the winsome wino I am. Get over it, jerks.

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