Thursday, July 29, 2010

Doctor Love

The other day, I was having a discussion with Gandy about how we need to bone down with some doctors. He said he wanted to so he could yell "Doctah Jones, Doctah Jones!" like a small Asian boy named Short Round and I said so I could say "The doctor is IN" when we're gettin' busy.

But this is not the real reason I need to be Mrs. Doctor Jenny, and it's not for the money either (as I have made my peace with being a poor) like most people think. See, I am not a hypochondriac per se, but whenever weird shit goes wrong with me I naturally freak out and assume the worst. Common cold? No, AIDS. Bug bite? More AIDS. Stubbed toe? All the AIDS. In actuality, none of those things that happen to me are really the HIV, you see and this is why I need a doctor to calm my irrational health fears or simply slip me some Xanax.

Things go wrong with me all the time, like right now:

-My teeth hurt when I walk. Shanon asked me hurt how and I said they feel like they're going to fall the fuck out of my head when I step down, then she asked me to find anyone under the age of seventy who has that problem. But she is not a real doctor. Looks like I am gonna have to get a side piece who is a dentist to give me root canals on demand and in turn, I will let him go to second base while I am passed out on laughing gas.

-My knee hurts. I may or may not have jumped off a rope swing into about two feet of water (I did) and it is all kinds of hurty now. Then just when it was getting better, I did some knee slides at karaoke the other night since I always give 110% whenst performing and now that shit feels like I got Tonya Hardinged. Vicodins and surgery is the only solution I can think of and I currently have access to neither. 

- The hangovers. Hungover is just my default setting these days. But I firmly believe that doctors MUST have some secret hangover cure or pill or drug that they are sworn to keep under wraps because there is no way I'd be able to deal with sick complainy people and their weird issues all day and not drink every night, but there is also no way I would be able to do doctor work all hungover.


  1. Dr. Denise says "Jenny, for the tooth falling out of your head feeling, pop a sudafed or similar decongestant, it might just be sinus pressure."

    Srsly, my denist friend gave me this advice for a similar feeling which happened when i'd like, flip my hair around or the like. It cleared up, all teeth still there.

    for more health related questions, email me at

  2. And if by "sinus pressure" you mean meth addiction, then why yes.