Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bond Villains: A Boning Breakdown

Eveyone wants to bone James Bond, duh, but evil geniuses need lovin too. Maybe.

Dr. No More like Doctor Yes Prease! As far as these dudes go, you could do a lot worse than this Asian-esque fella. Keep reading.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld I'd way rather have sex with Mike Meyers than the actor who plays this dude. Fuckit, I might rather have sex with Mini-Me than him. I dunno man, single dudes who are way attached to their cats freak me out. Oh and he also has a GIANT HIDEOUS SCAR over his eye. Shudder.

Auric Goldfinger Sure, he might crush you in the midst of doing it, or kill you by painting you gold (it is his only love, you see) but I would be more than happy to find this freckled  pudge-pot at the end of my rainbow, 'cause homeboy is a sugar daddy if there ever was one. And as far as henchmen go, his is tops.

Dr. Kanaga (Mr. Big) C'monnnnn! Once you go Kananga...

Francisco Scaramanga I actually think this actor used to work at the restaurant I lived across the street from in Little Italy. He would stand out front and try to convince tourists theirs was the best food joint out of the other forty that looked exactly like it on our block, then get hammered and buy me drinks at the local watering hole up the street and repeatedly tell me my boyfriend was a scumbag until someone else would try and talk to me, at which point he would fall off his stool trying to fight them. Moral is; a golden gun can only take you so far, my friends. So far.

Hugo Drax (Moonraker) Is it me or does dude look like he belongs in a hip hop video. "Drax" would so be his name. Fuck Drake (JK I love Drake!). But real talk, in every one of these pictures I'm expecting half naked rump-shaking-moon-raking ladies to pop out from behind a laser beam and bring Bond to the yard with their milkshakes. I just keep hearing Kanye's voice in my head, every time I think of a funny caption for these pictures. Or that air-horn sound.

General Orlov Hahahahahahahahahhahaha. Octopussy. Hahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahaha.
In other news, schwiiiiiiiiing.

Max Zorin Sure, I get that Chris Walken is a sick, sick actor and I love the hell out of him but brass tacks here; he is the epitome of "heebie jeebies." If I ever did hit it, it'd have to be in a public bathroom or something since I'd be too scared to fall asleep after, lest he steal my soul.

Franz Sanchez What! How am I twenty eight and have yet to acquire a man that rolls with an iguana riding sidecar on his shoulder. Come to think of it, I did date this dude when I was fifteen (named Biffner) who had a pet iguana. We used to get stoned watch it roam around his room and feed it grapes. One time he threw it at me and (being high) I flipped the fuck out. I broke up with him because he would always show up at my parents house to pick me up whilst tripping out on LSD. I like to think that if we had stayed together, our life would be something like this.

Alec Trevelyan Okay, this one's kind of a babe, but he seems to have caught a case of the Seal. Which apparently rakes in supermodels like a moth to a flame so perhaps it will work out in his favor.

Elliot Carver Aw hell no. Feel like I would hit it with this dude and then he'd ask if I needed help with my math homework after and I'd run to my room crying and yelling "JUST CAUSE YOU MARRIED MY MOM DOESN'T MAKE YOU MY DAD! I HATE YOU!!" Door slamming would ensue.

Renard The fuck is up with this lazy-eyed, one-named Rooskie. Pass.

Gustav Graves Ooooh hoo hoo, now we talkin'. Finally they started learning that no one likes looking at uggos. This makes up for Gustav up there and then some, check out his power glove!! Gustav sure got my number.

Le Chiffre Allright, I'm sensing a je ne sais trend here...I guess in order to be a Bond villain you have to have an eyeball defect of some sort, like Senor Frog here, but I see right through that and would totes bones malones with Chiffy. Oui.

Dominic Greene Way to end on a high note. The next Bond flick better have way less bug-eyed bonerkillers like this in it or I want my double oh dollars back.

Conclusion; would it kill the producers to cast some foxy villains? This list is like the ugly train making all local stops. Which makes sense, because no one wants pretty people to die. They should live forever.

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