Today I ate all three of my snack preferences and after each realized that I might be a grandpa. Maybe.
#1 - Fig Newtons. I've discussed my love of all things Fig and Newton before. I never really thought twice about how often I eat these things (I'd say at least 4-5 times a week? Is that wrong?). My coworker accompanied me to 3 different bodegas to find them today, and when I finally got them in my hands I was like a little monkey that's found a stray kitten. Don't you fucking touch my kitten! He remarked that fig newtons were old man territory. "So what if they keep me regular?!" was my response. Verbatim.
#2 - Apples. Shut up, ok. I like apples. But as I was telling Jenny today, I am also terrified by apples. My fake front tooth was glued in by a 21 year old dental student. Every time I bite into an apple I'm afraid that my tooth will come out with it. Fear of teeth loss while eating is not quite the sign of a healthy 28 year old.
#3 - Hi-Chews. I have these things stashed away in my drawer so that my sticky fingered co-workers can't get at them (which everyone else totally does, right? Hoarding?). But today I was chewing on one and it got stuck in the back of my teeth and I was BUGGING. Then I seriously contemplated eating only hard candy from now on so I don't get anything stuck in my molars.
Long story short, I am a 78 year old man, trapped in the body of a 28 year old woman, trapped in the body of a 23 year old dude. Where's my therapist?