Friday, October 29, 2010

Little Known Shannie Fact

I was just scouring facebook updates and came across something truly terrifying. This dude pictured on the right gave me my first job out of college. Yup. And his name is Droopy.

How I Got My Groove Back

I've been a real hermit lately, not gonna lie. I actually stayed in this past weekend and made two different kinds of soup then watched weird German movies. It was awesome! But Jenny snapped me out of it the other day by calling me "Stella" and telling me I needed to get my groove back.

So last night I did. just. that.

Basically I got trashed, but let's fast forward to 2am when I was at Daddy's drinking white wine after 4 hours of drinking Jim Beam then tequila, and smoking weed. I don't recall this moment but my coworker said I stretched my arm back and accidentally hit a girl in the face who was standing right behind me. I turned around and played it off like I meant to do that by touching her face intimately (no lezzie jokes Chris, please). Then I bounced. The girl and her friend asked my coworker what the fuck that was all about and he said "She's really drunk, sorry." The girl then replied, "No it's fine, I just thought her gaydar was THAT good, where'd she go?" Sigh.

What I do remember, however, was the cab ride home that I took with another coworker. The first thing he said to the cabbie was "Do you mind if I take my shirt off?" I looked over at him and said, "Oh, it's gonna one of those cab rides, eh?" and then took my shirt off as well. No big deal. Just two bros hanging out topless in a cab.

Today's been pretty brutal, hangover wise. But then this dude showed up to the office and I got a free burger. Hella tight.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bonerkiller of the Day

Gaged ears. Shuuuudder. I took a cab from the airport strait to Jenny's house last week cause I lost my wallet on the plane and she's a good girlfriend who takes care of me when I have no way of getting home. A few blocks from her house the cab driver hit a bicyclist head on. The guy was ok and rightly pissed off. He was cussing out the driver while I sat in the back traumatized. But the WORST thing about the whole experience was that I couldn't stop staring at his stretched out ears.

I mean, I get it. You were into hardcore back in the day and lived in Portland and/or Seattle for a while and we all know how that community is way bitchy about everyone wearing black and getting plugs for your earlobes. But shit, I just can't roll with it and it's a shame cause the whole cab incident could've really been a love connection, nah mean.

I can't even put up an example cause the google image search is making me gag. Instead here's taco cat. He's totally chill.

California, Part 3

I don't think I ever finished talking about my recent trip out West but here's a final summary. You all know about my nerdy cousin, but here's a shot of my other one (far left). That blob on the ground is my friend Suzanne who busted her ass trying to skate wasted down the mini ramp in his warehouse. At this point in the night he (my cousin) had already apologized to me 10 million times cause he took ecstasy from some strangers and was being all sorts of nutty. God bless him.

A few nights later I had a meal at Roy's with my family. I was forced into going after all the other good restaurants I wanted to go to were booked. Roy's is a hawaiian fushion chain that's basically like eating in a Las Vegas restaurant. My family loves it, of course. I got through it by getting super hammered. The waiter came over to ask if we had any questions about the menu and I yelled, "Yeah, can I order a new family?!" My grandma thought that one was hilarious. Then I had them drop me off in the ghetto Tenderloin so that I could hang out with some bearded friends pictured here. The night ended with karaoke and chinese food which I barely recall (see Suzanne again there), and then the next morning I was back on a plane for NYC. The end.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Candy Timez

On Monday night, I planned on going for a run after work and then eating some kale and doing yet more work. What happened was I was at the office until 8:30, stopped at CVS to buy mouthwash and then somehow bought a giant bag of candy plus a sack o' candy corn. By the time I got home it was too late for kale, but not for watching Gossip Girl in my underpants, phew.

Since then my diet has consisted mainly of pinky finger sized candy bars and so I have decided to review one a day up until Halloween. That's four reviews! Or five? Math isn't my "thing."
First up; a Take Five bars, which have more or less taken Shanon's place, best friend-wise. In fact, let's compare the two.

Take Five bar: Had my first one just the other day and it blew my mind. How did I go 28 years without you, Take Five??
Shanon: Known for 10+ years. Allright, mind is still blown when she pulls stunts like this.

Take Five bar: Hershey makes this jam and they are located in my home state of Pennsylvania and they have a theme park with rollercoasters and shit.
Shanon: Hmm, I don't recall Shanon ever providing me with any rollercoasters at all. Well, one time she made me ride the cyclone at Coney Island and I think I bruised my spine. But Hershey Park's rollercoasters are super lame and it's located in East Amish Bumblefuck PA so this one's a tie.

Take Five bar: Five ingredients! Five! All delicious and T5BFF soothes me when I catch the hunger-grumps.
Shanon:Tells me to quit being a bitchy clam when I get hungry and doesn't understand that I NEED TO EAT A LOT OF FOOD ALL THE TIME. Okay, maybe she does. And she cooks delicious dinners sometimes. 'Nother tie.

Take Five bar: Listens to my great ideas, but doesn't bring much to the table.
Shanon: Awww, she supports my brilliant endeavors.

Or DOES she:

Take Five would never do that to me. To quote Dave Chappelle in Half Baked, "Abba Zabba, you my only friend."

Little Known Phil Facts

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Boner of the Day

Chase Utley. Go Phils. Last week, whilst battling a crazy hangover (words of wisdom, kids; Martinis are like boobs- one's not enough and three is too many. I need a slogan for four +) I decided to go to my boy's bar for some hair of the dog and free pizza and somehow ended up watching a baseball game. Normally me watching televised sports is like a taco flavored bagel (don't exist) but then I caught a glimpse of the...pitcher? I can't remember what baseball pose he plays and nor do I care to, but what I DID remember is his name and that he is trés do-ablé.

They won that game, but have since got beat down by the SF Giants, a fact that I'm sure makes Shanon all kinds of stoked. Because SF is her hometown, you say? Naw, cause the pitcher Tim Lincecum.  Dude looks like a 16 year old boy.What is this, "Rookie of the Year"?

But yes, Utley, hubba hubba.

 Oh. And he can fly.

And this needs to go on my wall.

Tuesday Musings

I'm currently reading a hyper-nerdy "sci-fi" novel (if you will) that has a lot do with math and theories. Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking about the book and how dumb I've become in the past decade. I went to an all girl school my whole life up until college and took calculus my junior year of high school. Now I can barely do a crossword puzzle. Then this conversation just happened...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

California, Part 2

I'm back in NYC but still have a few things I need to discuss regarding my recent trip to California. This post is dedicated to my cousin. And not my cool cousin who lives in a giant warehouse with his own half pipe and tie-dyed smoking room where the Grateful Dead used to hang, I'm talking about the cousin that lives with my mother and grandmother. He's 19 years old and his only friends are the old ladies mentioned perviously here, here and here. Without going into any further detail, here are photos of his room.

He has these weird dudes all over the place. When I asked them what they were for he said "figures for live fantasy games." I don't think he has any friends to play these games to begin with, and whaaaaaaa. Blows my nerd tendencies out of the water.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

They DO Exist

Yes, yes, we're terrible at blogging. But you can stuff your sorrys in a sack, here are some things I was thinking about recently and am amazed still exist.

Flowbee. Chris suggested I pick myself up one of these, after I complained about needing a haircut from someone other than myself. As a joke, I thought maybe I'd surprise him with one, figuring it would be funny and about $5 on eBay. Umm, hell naw, they are apparently a Benjamin or more. Which seems a bit pricey, considering Flowbee's target market is people who cut their children's hair in the kitchen with the help of a mixing bowl (my Mom totes did this) but I guess it's like when I buy magnums of Jameson or a house-boy; that shit will pay for itself in no time.

Handy Stitch. One day, it was cold & snowy in the East Village where Nicky & I were watching TV on the couch when all a sudden an infomercial for the Handy Stitch came on. I looked at Nicky and said "Hand me your credit card." And she did! (Thank you, pot) Which led to maybe one of the worst purchases we've ever made. That crappy thing didn't never work once and not for lack of trying since every single person that walked in our door took a stab at it, but in hindsight, it did lead to lots of entertaining attempts. We didn't have a damn thing to sew anyway, but what a convincing commercial. Think I still owe Nicky ten bones.

Chia Pets. Actually, I am glad Chia Pets are still around, since I have yet to have one to call my own. It's all good though, because I am no good at plant-tending and kill most green things I adopt. In fact, I found an interesting note I wrote to myself that says, "Parenting is like gardening and that's why I don't have a green thumb." I have no idea what I was talking about, but at the time I remember laughing really hard about it. Then there was another note underneath it that said: "Last night, Shanon was trying to flag a truck that was parked and not moving, thinking it was a cab. I said, 'I'm not sure what you're trying to do right now' and she responded, "Can you just get me a hot dog."

Uggs. Every single Fall I think to myself, "This is it. This is the year that people will finally realize how ridiculous Uggs look and will stop putting them on their feet." And then I will be on my way to work on a 60 degree morning and be waiting at the corner for the light to change, look over and see a cute chick with a terrible hideous pair of Uggs growing out of her calves, like what happened yesterday. These were sweater-covered Uggs, which I had until then been blissfully unaware existed. Having big feet myself, I cant grasp how someone would want to bypass all the good-looking boots available for purchase and opt for shoes that are more suited for chubby retarded Inuit children. This is like a slap in the face to my and my big-footed brethren. Is there an Uggs groundhog somewhere I don't know about and did he see his shadow again this season or something? Six more months of Uggs, what the fuck.

Grilled Cheese Makers. Bought one of these for Cara for her birthday last year (from a dollar store thankyouverymuch) and I think she has yet to use it, but I personally find these things amazing. Especially if you are rich in laziness and poor in cooking skills, as I am.

Toaster Strudels. Actually, I'm lumping Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal into this category too because my Dad still eats the hell outta botha these for breakfast every morning.

Totes Toasties. This one can be filed under why the hell aren't they around anymore?? I am a notorious sock hater and I loved these jams. I escaped many a beatdown from my brother thanks to the genius half-slipper half-sock hybrids I was wearing at the time while running over linoleum and was wishing I had a pair the other night when my kitchen floor attempted to murder me whilst I ran through in stocking feet.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Permaboner of the Day

RDJ. Or "Robert Downey Jr." in layman's terms. No matter what decade it is, Rob-O is the designated driver of my boner-mobile, because I will throw down with this brat-packing iron-man addiction-addled babe where and whenever. How is he such a timeless fox?? I keep waiting for him to transition into a Boner of Yesteryear but just when I think he's down for the count, Bobby J comes out swinging.


California, Part 1

Once again I find myself in the amazing city of Los Angeles. I spent the afternoon driving around in a BMW convertible with some bros, then somehow made my way to a streetwear fashion party full of over-dressed asians in horrible sneakers (not gonna lie I knew a lot of people there), followed up by a trip to the Cha Cha to lurk on some hot boys (amazingly there were none), and finally I checked into my hotel. And what awaited me? See below, my friends.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

No, I'm Not Dead

I just realized it's been at least two weeks since I contributed to this brog, but in my defense I was busy jet setting around the country to ...Lawrence, Kansas (more on this in a bit), then I got sick for a while, then I had to take a driving class, and THEN I had a bed bug scare which was like my own personal Al Queda terrorist shake-down for a minute there. Suffice it to say I do not have an infestation, but I can pee the bed all I want cause that shit be plastic wrapped now.

Anyway here are reasons why being sick for me, personally, is the poo.

1. Boredom. I get super bored being sick at home all day which inevitably leads to terrible things. Just last Friday I was SO bored that I decided to drag my nasty ass to the movies. That's right, I saw the Social Network by myself in my pajamas (I don't even think I put on a bra). But aside from that I also ate a carton of ice cream across the street from the theatre because the heart wants what the heart wants. And in this case my heart lead me to even more sickness cause dairy is no bueno for ill people. Afterwards I felt gross and decided to go to Barnes & Noble to buy myself a new fantasy novel. I then promptly texted Jenny and Nicky that I needed an intervention from myself.

2. Inevitably having to do things. I could care less about missing work when I'm sick because I always end up working form home anyway. But there are some things you can not miss when you're sick, like the 5-hour driving class I had to take. That was an experience not unlike being in prison. I actually ended up sleeping through most of it but at least now I'm finally qualified to get my license. Look out kids and slow old people, Imma hitchoo!

3. No one wants to take care of me. Where the hell is my grandmother when I need her? I want someone to baby my ass when I'm sick and since no one's in line for the job I usually end up getting motherly sympathy from my video lady when I stumble over there to rent Prince of Persia (I do NOT recommend this movie).

Dollar Stores

There are very few establishments I enjoy shopping in more than dollar stores. I don't have any idea how they have so many things for such little monies and frankly, nor do I care to. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that not all dollar store purchases are created equal and since I have no problem being the guinea pig on these dollar delights, here are some of my recent dabblings.

Toothbrushes. I bought a five pack (5!!) a couple months ago, since I learned from the Tyra Banks show that I apparently don't change mine nearly as often as I should. Not that I change it any more frequently now that I have quints, but it's pretty sweet to be able to offer guests their very own brush. Shannie got one! Guests toothbrushes are the first stop in Swankytown, although I turned one down myself last week cuz that shit's gross. I dunno where your guest brush been, bro.

Batteries. In this modern day and age, there are few things I actually need batteries for and I recently realized two of them might save my life- a smoke detector battery & a bike light battery. You would think that because these could be considered "necessary" purchases, I would spring for some Energizers or even knockoffs from little old Chinese people on the train, but no. I'm sure it would make sense to go for quality over quantity, since I have to repeatedly buy them which equates to stints of silent smoke alarms and blackout biking, but I like my batteries how I like my sponges; 10 for a buck.

Candy. Sometimes I will be at the dollar store and see a new crazy kind of candy that I never knew existed (Peanut Butter Whoppers!!) and so I have to buy them of course and then run home and rip into the carton like a rabid raccoon and stuff about seven in my face. Right about that time is when my taste buds check in and I'm all "Hmm, I don't remember Whoppers being squishy and rock hard at the same time," or "Gum shouldn't be wet, right..." Then they set up shop in my fridge for my other friends to form opinions on, until eventually someone throws them out.

Wine. A $.99 store that sells wine, I should be so lucky. For now I make do with TJ's three-buck chuck and I am far from happy about it. But in Spain they definitely had sangria for $.99 euros and you can bet your bottom damn dollar that we drank that shit with our brekkie the way juice is meant to be enjoyed. Fermented.

Cleaning products. Whether I use "Windex" or "Wündex" makes no difference to me, but I will say that if your rug gets peed on and you buy one of the foaming rug cleaners that you spray down and then vacuum up, it is worth it to get the name brand because you really don't want the cheap plastic lid to crack and foam to shoot all over your coffee table and mirror and couch and then have it sink in and take three days to dry. I will say that.

All told, the short list of things I will never purchase includes; preg-o tests, most sexual aids (condoms, lube, horny goat weed, etc. Except maybe handcuffs cause let's face it, you might want them to be jenky, depending on who you're boning) toothpaste, hair extensions and medications (unless it's a dollar store in Tiajuana). I get extra bummed when dollar store bargains don't go in my favor because one of the many perks of these purchases is blowing your friends minds when they compliment you on your quality sunglasses/home-made tie-dye irregular underpants/accidentally humping children's toys (They were all packaged like this! I bought three) by telling them the paltry amount you paid for it.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Who Does Google Think I Am

You know those little ads that run along the top of your gmail? Well I think I just bowled a turkey with the last three that the Googs hit me with.

Because apparently they think I am a lezbo with a case of the yellow fever...

Trapped in the body of someone's drunk Grandfather...

Who enjoys eating cat-sized gummi bears.

Don't you judge me, Google.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Boner of the Day

Cary Elwes. I had big plans for this past Sunday, to clean my apartment, spruce my plants up, go to the hardware store and maybe wood burn something. Instead, I tried on and decided I needed a Mexican poncho, then rode my bike to my friend Glen's house to join him in watching "Jerry McGuire" on VHS. The heart wants what it wants. Next movie we opted for was "Robin Hood Men In Tights" at which point I remembered what a total babe Cary Elwes is. And he's hilarious to boot!

Dude kills it at everything. Think I was five when the "Princess Bride" came out and I triple dog dare you to find any girl in her late twenties who didn't fall butt-crazy in love with Wesley and has harbored farmboy fantasies ever since. I'm sure he was in another movie or two besides "Liar, Liar" (filed under; Movies I Will Always Watch Ever When They Are On TV) but these two gems were really his pieces de resistance. Now he is borderline Boner of Yesteryear, but for now, let's just hang out with these pics and drink "to the pain."