Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dollar Stores

There are very few establishments I enjoy shopping in more than dollar stores. I don't have any idea how they have so many things for such little monies and frankly, nor do I care to. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that not all dollar store purchases are created equal and since I have no problem being the guinea pig on these dollar delights, here are some of my recent dabblings.

Toothbrushes. I bought a five pack (5!!) a couple months ago, since I learned from the Tyra Banks show that I apparently don't change mine nearly as often as I should. Not that I change it any more frequently now that I have quints, but it's pretty sweet to be able to offer guests their very own brush. Shannie got one! Guests toothbrushes are the first stop in Swankytown, although I turned one down myself last week cuz that shit's gross. I dunno where your guest brush been, bro.

Batteries. In this modern day and age, there are few things I actually need batteries for and I recently realized two of them might save my life- a smoke detector battery & a bike light battery. You would think that because these could be considered "necessary" purchases, I would spring for some Energizers or even knockoffs from little old Chinese people on the train, but no. I'm sure it would make sense to go for quality over quantity, since I have to repeatedly buy them which equates to stints of silent smoke alarms and blackout biking, but I like my batteries how I like my sponges; 10 for a buck.

Candy. Sometimes I will be at the dollar store and see a new crazy kind of candy that I never knew existed (Peanut Butter Whoppers!!) and so I have to buy them of course and then run home and rip into the carton like a rabid raccoon and stuff about seven in my face. Right about that time is when my taste buds check in and I'm all "Hmm, I don't remember Whoppers being squishy and rock hard at the same time," or "Gum shouldn't be wet, right..." Then they set up shop in my fridge for my other friends to form opinions on, until eventually someone throws them out.

Wine. A $.99 store that sells wine, I should be so lucky. For now I make do with TJ's three-buck chuck and I am far from happy about it. But in Spain they definitely had sangria for $.99 euros and you can bet your bottom damn dollar that we drank that shit with our brekkie the way juice is meant to be enjoyed. Fermented.

Cleaning products. Whether I use "Windex" or "W√ľndex" makes no difference to me, but I will say that if your rug gets peed on and you buy one of the foaming rug cleaners that you spray down and then vacuum up, it is worth it to get the name brand because you really don't want the cheap plastic lid to crack and foam to shoot all over your coffee table and mirror and couch and then have it sink in and take three days to dry. I will say that.

All told, the short list of things I will never purchase includes; preg-o tests, most sexual aids (condoms, lube, horny goat weed, etc. Except maybe handcuffs cause let's face it, you might want them to be jenky, depending on who you're boning) toothpaste, hair extensions and medications (unless it's a dollar store in Tiajuana). I get extra bummed when dollar store bargains don't go in my favor because one of the many perks of these purchases is blowing your friends minds when they compliment you on your quality sunglasses/home-made tie-dye irregular underpants/accidentally humping children's toys (They were all packaged like this! I bought three) by telling them the paltry amount you paid for it.

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