Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Accepting New Parent Applications

It's official. Me and my mom are no longer in a relationship. I forgot to call her on her birthday this past Sunday and my apology phone call has gone unreturned. But I sent her a card! That counts for something, right? And just now I ordered the Star Wars boxset for her and had it shipped with a card that said, "Here's some Star Wars, now don't be mad, everyone makes mistakes! Love, your daughter?" Verbatim.

So I'm officially taking applications for parents, let's weigh my options.

The Family I Babysit For.
Pros - Pretty well off (sugar family), live 3 blocks away from me, pretty well connected (knows a woman who works for Kanye West), like to eat fancy dinners.
Cons - Have accused me of abusing substances several times at this point, live 3 blocks away from me (yes this is also a con), make me "work," make me feel guilty (read: the not awesome kind of Jew).

Jenny's Parents.
Pros - Love Karaoke, live in a warm climate that's close to Harry Potter Land, have a pool, have cute dogs, and maaaaybe already consider me a semi-daughter since I'm pretty sure they think Jenny and I date, enjoy going to the Olive Garden (me too!).
Cons - The lesbian jokes (to be fair this is mostly Jenny's dad), culinary skills are on par with Jenny's (microwaves, sigh).

Nicky's Parents.
Pros - Awesome cooks, smoke weed, drink like fish!
Cons - Not gonna lie, Nicky's mom scares me, and they have seen me blacked out and bruised up way too many times (read: they judge me with their eyes).

Anthony's Parents.
Pros - Like to feed me, let me watch Friday Night Lights all day and not leave the couch, are generally interested in my love for Explosions in the Sky, and they're awesome Jews!
Cons - Hmmm, none really, his mom even gives me flu shots when I go visit.

This is a tough call but I'm gonna have to go with Jenny's parents (yaaaay!!), but mostly because I do believe her dad has started reading the blog and I don't wanna be on the receiving end of that guilt trip.

Monday, November 22, 2010


Back! Oh, Florida. Since flying over the holidays is expensive and hard to coordinate, my family decided to celebrate Christmagiving last week. And a good time was had by all. The highlight of the trip was when I got to pick something for my parents and me to do while my brother and his woman went to a talk by Anthony Bourdain that I cared not for. So what did I pick instead? A modern dance performance at the Salvadore Dali museum of course! And apparently St. Petersburg, FL is not the place to see quality performance art. Who knew. Luckily, I had the smarts to have a couple vodkas beforehand and some wine during, so I was set. We then checked out the museum, which kinda rules and these pictures of my parents made the whole thing worth it.

Then I accidentally took my parents to a lesbian bar. To be fair, it looked completely hetero and after I picked up on the muff-dive vibe suggested we go somewhere else, to which my Dad replied,"Well when Shanon comes down with Gaymont- what's his name? (meaning Gandy) We'll take them there." Sweet double burn, Dad. Then I bought my Mom a whiskey sour and got her drunk ma lunks at a jazz bar.  I basically ate a shit ton of food and booze on this trip and exercised very little. Yesterday morning my brother and I battled with those foam pool noodles for about 45 minutes and that was the most exercise I got in five days.

I had saved half a xanax for the plane ride back that disappeared at some point during the week. I can only assume one of my parents dogs ate since I had it in my pocket and then it was gone, so I demanded a Bloody Caesar from my Dad which I then took along in a to go cup for the ride to the airport, whilst sitting next to my Grandpa as he read the comics. And body scans? I felt like I was in goddamn Total Recall. Definitely needed to refresh at the airport bar after that, which led to a saucy plane ride during which I became best friends with the old dude sitting next to me. We gonna email. Think I freaked out his wife though, since she seemed confused at our comraderie but the joke is on you, trophy wife, as old balls interest me not.

Oh, and as always, here was the soundtrack of the trip:

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Harry Fucking Potter

HP and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1, buttholes) is. the. tits.

Gandy and I went to go see that shit on the Imax screen at Lincoln Center last night. I showed up all pissy cause it took me an hour and a half to get there, but the magnum of white wine I had in my purse sure made it all better. And yes, Gandy and I drank an entire magnum during the movie. By the end I was giggling so much I almost snorted multiple times, and we both had to whiz so bad we bolted for the bathroom before it even finished. And somehow I ended up in the ladies room in the basement of Lincoln Center? It was a weird experience.

I give the entire thing two thumbs up but my one and only queef is that there weren't enough scenes with Bill Weasley.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Bonerkiller of the Day

Bands who play barefoot. This sincerely disgusts me. Last night I went to see Tame Impala and they were fucking ruling it. They're so young! And Australian! (Ok I actually think Australian accents make even the smahtest scientists sound like retards, but whatever). Basically I was in young hot psych rock heaven until I squeezed my way up to the front and saw that the lead singer was playing sans shoes or socks. Ugh. I really don't understand this.

Stage floors are gross and it's not like taking your shoes off is going to make you feel as though you're playing at home rather than in front of 300 stoners. Bill Callahan played barefoot the last time I saw him too and boy did that bum me out.

Tame Impala still killed it but I will no longer fantasize about any of them. Well, maybe the drummer.

Tame Impala - Why Won't You Make Up Your Mind MP3 (Daytrotter Sessions)
Tame Impala - Solitude is Bliss MP3 (Daytrotter Sessions)

Grown Up

Whilst looking through my collection of funny photos to send to my old boss in an email titled "Poop," I came across quite a few pics of me bleeding, scabbed up, or with a black eye. I am 28 years old.

Nerdy Boner of the Day

Stefan Janoski! I can't really call this one a straight-up BOD because I just met him and his wife ...and I'm not THAT big of a ho. But still. I fanned out. I even emailed my ex just to make him jealous. His response was almost instantaneous: "Where the fuck are you? Yes I am jealous. Why are you hanging with one of the best switch skaters around?" Success!

And happy Friday, everyone. I swear I will blog some more today in my lady's absence.

Speaking of which, I'm also stoked that his video segment below features The Kinks. If I were a more ambitious lady, I would write a thesis on pro-skaters and what the music they choose for their videos says about them. But actually I'd rather just ogle them. Fuck it.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Finally, The World Agrees WIth Me

This film looks insanely awesome. Bet I can convince every single one of you teabaggers to see this fantasy movie with meh.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Florida Trip

My brother and I are both going to Florida to visit our parents next week and my Dad sent us this email;

Subject: Things you don't have to bring:

Shaving cream
Hair clippers
Nail clippers
Light jackets
Strippers, nippers, or flippers.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Bonerkiller of the Day

Smug pregnant chicks. Recently I was in the elevator with one of these, which prompted me to send the following text to Shanon;

Me: Do you sometimes feel prego ladies are smugger than most?
Shanon: All the time.
Me: You get me. So hard.

Real talk though, what they so smug about. I am the one who should be smug, because how many people am I carrying around? None. How many people are you carrying around Lady Bun In Oven? At least one! Maybe twins! I don't even like giving piggyback rides, so why do they act like they're one upping me. And guess what I am going to do now, prego malego, I'ma go get drunk. And maybe even fall down. What're you gonna do, go eat pickles? Okay, I love pickles so I'ma do that too. But I'll be damned if I remember doing it. 

I saw an ad on the train this morning that was one of those "Please give up your seat to the elderly or disabled" and the picture was of an old dude and a pregnant chick standing in front of an empty bus seat, which I frankly found very confusing. Who gets the seat? It's a case of broken hip vs. broken baby. They both should get seats, I don't understand why the MTA wouldn't show a picture of some punk kid giving one of them his seat instead of making me go all Sophie's Choice on that shit. But I actually prefer standing (unless I am hungover) so the joke's on you Mommy-to-be.

My friend posted this video on her facebooks (and she got TWO kids) which sums up how I feel precisely and makes me glad that I am not alone.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Don't Shit Where You Eat

Yup, I'm a serious offender of this policy. Some might say I excel at breaking this rule. I've actually only ever slept with one coworker and that was over a year ago, but I've been known to sex up the occasional client and one time I made out with Jenny's old boss. You might get all judgey and think that last sentence sounds pretty ho-tastic, but you haven't heard about what I did last night yet.

First off, I've discovered that the combination of whiskey, vodka, champagne and wine is my own personal Joker brew. Except instead of laughing to death, I make out with a coworker at the bar in front of half the office. I was actually told by another coworker today that everyone who wasn't there to see the make out sesh was texted about it.

Take it from me, don't shit where you eat. Look at this cute pic!


Today I called my buddy to talk shop and somehow we ended up talking about "pumping." Not pumping in the Reebok or biblical sense, but remember when you were little and you would pull one of your arms inside your shirt, grab the end of your sleeve with the other hand, and pump your fist up and down inside your shirt? Pumping.

We then started talking about pulling your shirt over your knees to pretend you either have giant boobs or are a midget, at which point he told me how he did a dance for a talent show in elementary school that culminated with him pulling his "Bartman" t-shirt over his knees and dancing like a midget and while he was doing this he farted, immediately earning him the nickname "Fartman." I'm sure this was all kinds of scarring for him, so I drew this up and sent it to him. Cause that's what friends are for.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Little Known Phil Fact #3

Video of the Day

Two of my favorite bands, finally combined into one. Fucked Up covering "Miss World." Welcome.

Now if we could only get LCD to cover Fleetwood. World. Complete.

Bonerkiller of the Day

Jeggings. Ugh. My roomie loves this shit (sorry dude) but I still need to air my grievances. First of all, the name. Sounds like something my mom (read: fat chick) would wear in the 80s while working out on her mini-trampoline. Remember that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes? Exactly. Now I'm picturing Kathy Bates wrapped in plastic wrap. Shudder.

But back to jeggings. The other day I tried on a pair of $180 jeans that were basically leggings. I will never understand this. I like pencil jeans just as much as the next classy lady who used to be into punk and hardcore (p.s. I'm totally listening to Cap'n Jazz right now), but why am I paying that much money for something I can buy at Kmart for $20. If I'm gonna drop some serious scrilla on pants I want them to be quality, not something that shrinks up to kiddie size when I wash 'em.

Here, just look at these pics of dudes in their jeans. Shawing.

Fuck I Love Soup

Yesterday I had some lentil soup for lunch. Last night I scooped a can of lentil soup for dinner. Know what I just had for lunch today? More motherfucking soup. Lentil. When I was crazy sick last week, I got some lentil soup and attempted to eat it but ended up throwing up everywhere instead. This was a major bummer because you know how when you eat something then are sick it kind of ruins it? Sometimes for life? Like when I was in the second grade and won a white chocolate candy bar in math class. I ate the whole thing then barfed all over and have not been able to eat white chocolate or do math since. Not the case with lentil soup though. Phew.

This post was really just a shout out to soup. Fucking love it. And why is there no blog of Hot Guys Eating Soup? I'ma start one. Orrrrr just google skaters, 'cause they fine.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Boner of the Day

Tyler Johnson. Male model and fixed-gear rider. Dude is so bangable. Don't ask me how I find these boys, just enjoy.

WTF Monday

In case anyone cares I had a very white-girl weekend - spinning classes, farmers market, shopping for a pizza stone, wine, dinner parties, oh and I watched Dumb and Dumber with the roomie before passing out at 10pm on Saturday. I also did a little drunk shopping yesterday which resulted in my buying what I can only hope is one sweet historical fiction novel. I also went into the Barney's Co-Op in Brooklyn but promptly had to walk myself out because there was just too much southwestern shit that I couldn't afford.

Anyway, last night my friend Cara introduced me to Wicked Wisdom, which, I can tell you, has changed my life. I was incredibly stoned at the time so I can only imagine that my face while watching this was not unlike the face of people watching "Two Girls One Cup." (I wouldn't know because I refused to see that shit.)

Here's Wicked Wisdom for your viewing pleasure. Yes that is Jada Pinkett Smith.

(Thanks, Cara.)

Friday, November 5, 2010

It's Friday

Gandy just sent me this video with the preface, "You'll be going all cougar on this in 12 years."

Then this conversation just happened.

My Newest Frenemy - Weed Food

I've been ingesting a lot of weed lately, namely in the form of brownies, pot pills, and popcorn. It's been fun and all, but boy does that shit fuck me up. Learn from my mistakes and do not try the following after chowing down on some purple haze.

1. DJ. I learned this lesson on Saturday night. My friends asked me to DJ their Halloween house party and I said sure under the illusion that all this would require of me was to press "play." Boy was I wrong. They put me behind a whole set up with a mixer and everything - who do I look like, some French dude? I was all sorts of hungover so of course ate 4 pot brownies. Man did I get confused.

2. Eat at a nice restaurant. Jenny made the mistake of telling me to go to her house on Sunday while she wasn't there. I let myself in and saw a box of pot pills on her kitchen table. I promptly ate one. Then later that night I ate another one. The last part of the night gets fuzzy but I remember tossing beer after beer into the mosh pit at a metal show while sipping on a glass of red wine. Shit got ugly. The real kicker though, was trying to eat a meal at Roberta's after that (or maybe it was before?). I barely remember the meal other than remarking over and over how much I love a good glass of Riesling. Yikes.

3. Try to have a serious conversation with Chris. Don't. Ever. Try.


This morning, I got an email from my friend Karla, who I have known since elementary school, with a link to a wedding announcement of another girl we knew from way back when. What I remember about this girl (and all of my friends remember also) is that she wore these SAVE THE WHALES t-shirts almost every gahdamn day. And since kids are jerks, of course we had to tease her about this all the time. As I was reading her wedding announcement, this little gem caught my eye; "Star Wars and Mystical Coins were some of the themes to this beautiful August Philadelphia wedding." What the what does a "mystical coin" theme even entail! I emailed Karla back (and my four other friends cc'ed) with those parts underlined and in bold and was still laughing when Karla responded: "Ok, so I also have to bust on Jenny, because I don't know how this came up the other day, but I was talking with Nate about our 5th grade chorus concert, and does everyone remember Jenny's beautiful duet, of the enchanting Aladdin Theme song?  A whole new world...... who did you sing that with?  I can't remember?  So funny. Hahahaha."

Yes, in the fifth grade I sang a duet of "A Whole New World." And I was Aladdin.

Don't get me wrong, Shanon and I will wax poetic about our favorite Disney jams for days, but I maybe took it to the next level. Plus that's not even my favorite Disney flick, not even top three (Robin Hood, Sword In The Stone, Aristocats). And here's a bonus, since I sang that shit when I was like 10, the lyrics are burned into my memory for life. If a copy of that VHS were to ever resurface I think I would have to hop the next magic carpet to Saudi Arabia or wherever the fuck Aladdin and that annoying Genie kick it, out of sheer embarrassment.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Rooky Rooky, I Got Cookie

Whilst strolling around my office looking for leftover Halloween candy, I happened upon three leftover fortune cookies instead. So I opened them all to see what the moo goo gai gods had in store for ol' Jenzo and here is what they told me:

Strike One, cookie. Three fourths of all deals/business arrangements I make take place in bars and out of those, I probably remember about a third of. And if I had a nickel for every time one or both my parents told me to "get it in writing, you're going to end up on Judge Judy" well, I would have enough nickels to put in a sock and beat them with for watching that show in the first place.

Strike Two. Like I'm really gonna obey a cookie that is too lazy to use spell check.

Awww, me rikee this one. It made me think of Shanon and the "tiff" if you will that we had gotten in yesterday. She went to a meeting in Detroit today and so I had texted her this morning, "Have a good Detroit trip. Hope no one farts on your plane. Too much." And here's where shit gets freaky chineeky-deaky; RIGHT as I started this post, I got a text from her that said, "Thanks, went well. Ate lunch at PF Changs in a  random Detroit mall. Fortune cookie said 'Someone you care about seeks reconciliation.' Assume it means you. The chineses want us to stop fighting! xx."

Oh, and here's where I came up with the name for this post, to prove that I am not in fact,racist. I just know my "Hook."


Boy did this holiday kick my ass this year. Things that happened; Chris and I got haunted by a real live ghost in my apartment Friday, Saturday I drew some signs to attract people to my friend's bar, Sunday me & Shanaroo saw some metal, ate some pizza and wore masks. Then Monday I thought I had a hangover but guess what it was really food poisoning or a ghost of parties past that was haunting my tummy because sweet fucking Freddy Krueger was I sick. Shit got all kinds of Exorcist.

Last night I decided to werewolf myself and dress up like a video editor and make a Spooky Hallowang montage of my adventures documented via iPhone. This morning I showed it to Gandy who responded, "I hope you were on a massive amount of cocaine when you did that" and I said, "Umm, nope it was midnight and I was sober." Enjoy.