Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Accepting New Parent Applications

It's official. Me and my mom are no longer in a relationship. I forgot to call her on her birthday this past Sunday and my apology phone call has gone unreturned. But I sent her a card! That counts for something, right? And just now I ordered the Star Wars boxset for her and had it shipped with a card that said, "Here's some Star Wars, now don't be mad, everyone makes mistakes! Love, your daughter?" Verbatim.

So I'm officially taking applications for parents, let's weigh my options.

The Family I Babysit For.
Pros - Pretty well off (sugar family), live 3 blocks away from me, pretty well connected (knows a woman who works for Kanye West), like to eat fancy dinners.
Cons - Have accused me of abusing substances several times at this point, live 3 blocks away from me (yes this is also a con), make me "work," make me feel guilty (read: the not awesome kind of Jew).

Jenny's Parents.
Pros - Love Karaoke, live in a warm climate that's close to Harry Potter Land, have a pool, have cute dogs, and maaaaybe already consider me a semi-daughter since I'm pretty sure they think Jenny and I date, enjoy going to the Olive Garden (me too!).
Cons - The lesbian jokes (to be fair this is mostly Jenny's dad), culinary skills are on par with Jenny's (microwaves, sigh).

Nicky's Parents.
Pros - Awesome cooks, smoke weed, drink like fish!
Cons - Not gonna lie, Nicky's mom scares me, and they have seen me blacked out and bruised up way too many times (read: they judge me with their eyes).

Anthony's Parents.
Pros - Like to feed me, let me watch Friday Night Lights all day and not leave the couch, are generally interested in my love for Explosions in the Sky, and they're awesome Jews!
Cons - Hmmm, none really, his mom even gives me flu shots when I go visit.

This is a tough call but I'm gonna have to go with Jenny's parents (yaaaay!!), but mostly because I do believe her dad has started reading the blog and I don't wanna be on the receiving end of that guilt trip.



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