Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Things I Do And Probs Shouldn't

-Eat food off the floor. I heard on the Tyra show somewhere that the "five second rule" doesn't actually exist and that if you drop anything on the floor you really just shouldn't eat it at all. But what if it's your very last Dorito? Or a Momofuku cookie? Have you HAD them?? I would maybe trade my first child for one, because there would certainly be a lot less crying in my life. What I'm saying is, hasn't killed me yet, so I can only assume it's making me strong as an ox..

-Re-wear socks. And most clothing, for that matter. Laundry, what a bitch and a giant waste of my time. In my personal opine, so long as it doesn't smell, I say re-wear it until you get to work and then notice there is a weird food spot on it and you have to all pretend to your co-workers like you did it at breakfast and you're just a messy eater. Which fools no one, btw.

-Speaking of, I also wore a pair of underpants that came back in the wash that upon closer inspection later in the day, were def not mine. I mean, now they are, since any damage was clearly already done, but I also thought to myself "no biggie." I'm pretty sure the Asian leprechauns who wash my clothes leave everything in the dryer for at least 14 hours because it all comes back two sizes smaller, therefore sufficiently killing any and all hitchhiking germs. I did, however, throw out the jockstrap that came back with my laundry one time. And started tipping them better.

-Sext. Can't stop, won't stop.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Boner of the Day

Holy Rudolph am I bored this week. Everyone's pretty much running out the clock and pretending to work until they can split for the holidays, so I have been filling my days with emails from Chris involving racist ghosts and freaky looking ponies, but I am seriously considering Irishing up my afternoon coffee, cause this elf is boo-oared.

Enter Garrett Hedlund! Whatta stone cold fox homeboy is. I guess he was on that show Friday Night Lights that I've been told to watch, due to the abundance of boners and I guess he's in "Tron" too, but he caught my eye on the cover of this month's "W" mag. He was wearing leopard print pants, which in reality, no man ever should and sometimes he looks mad gay, but I care not. He's like my own x-mas miracle.




And just for shits and gigs, here's that freaky deaks pony I was talking about.

Monday, December 20, 2010

A Tale of Woe

I was in LA this past weekend for a work event. It was raining and shitty the whole time but aside from that I'd describe my overall trip as "weird." I had a very bad weed experience on Friday that I've decided to tell in full. (The rest of the trip was rad and I'll talk about it later).

Here goes!

I flew in Friday and after doing a bit of work decided I need to get my medical weed on. I don't have one of those magic cards but my buddy's friend works at a dispensary so we got her to grab a few things and bring them to me. I prefer eating my weed so bought two lollipops and two boxes of truffles. The truffles come 2 for $5. The weed store employee told me to eat one, then wait an hour and eat the other. She said after that I'd be feeling juuuust fine.

First lesson learned - do not take advice from someone who works at a dispensary and is a bigger stoner than you will ever be. OR! Listen to her advice and then cut it by 75%. I should've eaten only half of one truffle, but instead I ate TWO.

The first one I took over pizza dinner. We stumbled into what I can only guess was the Berrics holiday party. I was all glassy eyed from starring at all the famous skaters. So many! Maybe that's what lulled me into a false sense of security because I promptly ate the other truffle after we left.

The event was at a venue that probably wasn't legal and made me question my life choices even before the weed fully kicked in. Remember what it was like going to all-ages hardcore shows? Exactly. Drunk teenagers starting fights.

Second lesson learned - do not get super blazed and go to a work event that includes a mess of wasted kids.

By the time the main band came on I was TRIPPING. And I mean like straight up hallucinating. Everyone's heads got real big and the music slowed and it was all womp womp womp in my field of vision. I was standing in the back and literally couldn't move because my legs were being non-responsive. Then I had to talk myself off a panic attack ledge. "Don't worry, you're just peeking, it'll be over in 10 minutes, stay calm." Have you ever had to tell yourself that? HAVE YOU?!

After I came down from that fun experience I proceeded to get the worst cotton mouth of my life. I kept mumbling, "need water," over and over. Sounded like a crazy person. My friend Arlie (hi if you're reading this Arlie!) asked me if I was alright. "You seem very thoughtful," he incorrectly guessed. When I explained how stoned I was he said, "Ah, so you're actually the opposite of thoughtful." Bingo.

After that whenever he ran into a friend he felt obligated to introduce me as his "really high friend Shanon, oh by the way who's running the event, and who's so high she's acting like a sphinx." He called me a sphinx for the rest of the night, which I guess is ok considering all the other options that come to mind.

It was a freaky deaky evening and I was still stoned all Saturday. But I made it! Glad to be alive. So to summarize I hope to never be that stoned ever again in my entire life. But Thee Oh Sees performed and they were fantastic. John Dwyer's a genius. I might still be stoned.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dear Santa,

How is the North Pole? I hope Mrs. Clause has been putting out and that you got Rudolph the help he needed for his "nose problem."
Allright, enough chit chat, let's get down to business. You and I both know that my name set the benchmark for the "Good List" this year and I could be doing a lot worse in the ho ho ho department, so here's some crib notes of things I'd like my stocking stuffed with:

A disposable flask. I originally wanted a real flask and I am frankly ashamed for going 28 years without one, but then I found these disposable flask jams exist and oh hello, I'll take four hundred, please. This is going to make attending sporting events so much easier. Metal detectors? No prob, Bob. In fact, fuckit, I'ma line my pockets with them.

A stunt double. But only for boring stuff! Not a clone, mind you, we've all seen "Multiplicity" here. But one to stand in on line at the bank or the post office or for dudes who are a snooze in the sack or at work on days when I am hungover.

A samurai sword. Maybe this is my love of Kill Bill talking, but swords are cool and I want one. It should probably lean towards the blunt side though,unless you want to deliver me a lawyer to handle the subsequent legal battles I foresee.

Drunk babes & free pizza. These things are both great separately, but when they're combined it's like being round-housed by a happiness ninja. A babe bought me a slice last night! Keep 'em coming, Daddy Clause.

Hannukah's for jerks,
xx Jenny


2011 Wellness Plan

The other day Chris and I were talking about New Year's resolutions and he said "I don't make resolutions, I make a wellness plan." And in case you're wondering, "wear slippers more" is an example of the things that are included on his plan. But I think it's a genius idea so I'm gonna make my own.

1. Never eat shitty food EVER AGAIN. I've already sworn off bodega egg and cheese sandwiches because they've disappointed me on one too many occasions. After this morning's bagel debacle I might have to add those to the list as well unless it's fresh out of the oven and put immediately into my mouth (that's what she said). I don't think it's too much to ask that everything I eat be the most delicious thing I've ever had.

2. Be hungover at work less often. Today I am the kind of hungover where my eyes are permanently at half mast and walking up stairs is difficult. I normally don't really care but when you actually have to do shit at work and you can't because you're so hungover that you're dumb? Nah, not into it.

3. Drink more wine. Last night at Gandy's holiday party I drank so many vodka sodas that the hot waiter started judging the shit outta me. Then I saw a dude drinking white wine and I thought "DUH!" Two glasses of that and I slept like a baby.

4. Try to be more like a dog. Nap, eat, walk around, that's it. I mean sure, I have to work to pay the bills, but in my spare time? Dog's life for me. A coworker summed it up best just now when he proclaimed, "Being a human is such a hassle." Preach.

5. Get one of those savings accounts everyone keeps talking about. This just makes sense. I guess. It'll my make my moms happy at the very least.

6. Listen to more classical music. No homo! We all know I love the shit. Plus it increases brain power. Then I won't feel so dumb when I'm hungover everyday. See my logic?

7. Get back to my roots. Like this song. Fuck I love the Three Musketeers movie.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Deep Thoughts, Always



Christmas Miracle!

I had Jenny take down my previous post because it made me feel like a real c-face (for those of you that read it already, don't judge me). Plus Jenny called me "heartless" this morning so now I'm working on being a better person? Haha, jk, I couldn't even type that with a straight face.

But so instead of being bitchy I will illustrate to everyone how karma is REAL. This morning on the way to work I slipped in some ice. What happened is I went into the splits and crashed down on both of my knees. It hurt so bad I started weeping like a little girl. But the miracle is that I didn't bust my tights OR spill my coffee. So you see, I must be doing something right.

Here's what sober pain looks like.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Nineties Fashion Ups & Downs

This morning I was late to work because I spent a solid twenty minutes trying to figure out how to wear these sweet nineties floral print high-waisted stirrup pants I scored in Florida, without looking like a pregnant librarian equestrian via '98. Let's just say I lost the battle, but not the war. In general though, I am a fan of the nineties resurgence and I know Shanon talked about doing a 90's clothing post awhile back and maybe she did (my memory, she's not so good) but here's my take, nonetheless.

Thigh highs: Thumbs up
Way up! These have become a slutty staple of mine. I wore them in the seventh grade and I loved them every bit as much then as I do now. Even wore em to work, after I was getting dressed and asked my slumber party buddy if they were too slutty to wear to the office and he said, "Not on Friday." Boom.

Miniskirt suits: Thumbs down
Again, seventh grade, but this is too "Clueless"-esque even for me. I want to be Cher & Dion for Halloween but in the real world, it just feels like a recipe for a rapin'.

Bootcut jeans: Thumbs down
For life.

Floral print: Thumbs up
I was walking down the street the other day past these two dudes whilst wearing my floral print dress and I heard one say to the other, "The thing about girls who wear floral print is-" and then they went into a store and I missed what it was and that shit has been driving me fucking bananas ever since. WHAT IS THE THING?!?? That we're awesome? Or slutty? Or can it be both? IS IT BOTH??!??

Rompers: Thumbs up
All my rompers or "one-pieces" if you will, are floral print.

Knitted hippy hats: Thumbs down
I saw a dude wearing one of these on the train and looked around to make sure I didn't accidentally wander into a Phish show and upon the discovery that I hadn't, spent the rest of the trip trying to stare hard enough at it and with enough hatred that it would catch fire. Didn't work, but maybe I will get a Missed Connection out of the ride, eeeeeee....

Doc Martens: Thumbs down
Ok, Shanon has a pair of fancypants new re-vamped Doc clog thingies and this may be the one scenario where two wrongs make a right because I will steal them jams from her the first chance she passes out drunk before me, but all other docs = hideous lesbian monster boots that make your feet look ridiculous and give me e-pill raver days flashbacks. Shudder.

Choker: TBD
My instincts say no, but I feel like I cannot in all honesty say I will never wear a choker again. Shrug.

Looney Toons clothing: I used to have so many LT t-shirts that I single handedly kept WB in business and my favorite was the one with Bugs & Taz dressed like wiggers wearing all of their clothes backwards a la Kriss Kross. Yeahhhhh. So I want to say thumbs down, but the other eve at the bar, Gavin pointed out a dude straight rocking a Yankees jacket with most of the cartoon cast embroidered onto the back of it. I fully expected to be disgusted, but instead found myself thinking, "Hello, old friend."


Friday, December 3, 2010

Two For Two

In keeping with my "daughter of the year" bid, I realized last night that I forgot my grandmother's birthday (aka my 2nd mom) as well. My two moms' bdays are 8 days apart and woops, I forgot them both. I called my grandma immediately upon my realization of this and screamed "I FUCKED UP AND I'M AN ASSHOLE" which made her laugh and complain that she'd have to tattoo her birthdate on my forehead. Jokes on you, Noni, cause that shit is actually my ATM pin. Yet I STILL forgot. I was really hoping for an iPad for my bday but that's out the pooper at this point. And that old woman's been after my favorite scarf for about two years and already said the only way she'd forgive me is if I finally handed over the goods. What a bitch.

And in case you missed, last night Conan wore jeggings and it's about the funniest shit I've seen in my life. I was literally cackling.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Shanon Is High Maintenance

Shanon called me high maintenance yesterday, because I told her I'd only go to her soiree if Gandy was going too. I then informed her that it is she who is the HM one, not me. This turned into a Festivus celebration and we decided to air our grievances with each other so here goes:

1. Says "hyperbolic" too much. We get it, Shanon, YOU KNOW BIG WORDS.  Find a new one.

2. Has ruined muffins for me and is trying to ruin Cliff bars too. She told me that muffins were fat people food and now I get sad and feel like I'm eating my emotions when I have one. The other day I got a free box of Cliff bars and said I was psyched and Shanon said she used to eat them until her boss saw her and said they are loaded with carbs and that's what he eats before a long ass bike race. I eat them in preparation of sitting at my desk all day. Great.

3. Hmm I'm not sure that I actually know anybody with less tact. One time I introduced her to a friend of mine and the first thing Shanon said to her was "Did you used to be a man?" (The answer was no.)

4. Hates all dudes I date. Even the ones she never met. She also acts like a huge bitch to my exes, which actually can be highly entertaining. Until I inevitably fall off the wagon and get with them, at which point the reset button gets hit and the journey begins again.

5. Claims to go "take a nap" when we all know that is code for boning down. You're fooling no one, Shanon. No one.

6. Too many toes.

7. Okay, I am running out of steam here. My brain hurts.

I would also like to set the record straight on  a few items in her post:

3. It was Sprite, not water.
7. Left them at my house, therefore became my property. Putting them in a spot where you can't see them when you come over is not "stealing," btw.
8. You're a jerk.
9. You forgot Gandy, who is only a snooze when he is sleeping.

Jenny Is High Maintenance

The other day I told Jenny she's my most high maintenance friend which not only peeved her real good but also prompted her to proclaim that i was "way more high maint." Eye rolling cue. So now we are writing reasons why the other is more HM. Here are my reasons, which are actually more of an airing of grievances than anything else.

1. Laziest bitch I know yet expects everyone to bring her bagels and pizza upon demand. One time she even got pissed at Chris for not bringing her mushrooms when he, himself, was on them and at his house. That hussy would never deliver drugs for no one. ESPECIALLY if she was all shroomied out. "Captain Demando" should be her other nickname after "Jerk."

2. Talks a lot of shit on people who dook her but has no qualms with dolling out the dooks.

3. Won't let me borrow books but attempts to steal mine all the time. And she spilled water all over the last book I lent to her. Just plain wrong.

4. Whenever I show her something cool she tells me to give it to her.

5. Makes poor men decisions. And guess who has to listen to all the subsequent bitching? Shannie has to.

6. Told me the other day she bought a shirt that I would totally love, but then kept it for herself. That's almost worse than being an indian giver.

7. Stole my Reno 911 DVDs.

8. Doesn't eat meat. This is not so much a big deal to me as it is to, say, Nicky, but I hate cooking food without meat in it. I'm giving her cereal for our orphan Christmas dinner.

9. Calls my other friends who are not her, Nicky, or Chris, "snoozes."

10. In general is the only bitch I know who's bitchier than me. And this coming from the girl who last night told a guy to his face to please go away because he was wearing baggy jeans.


Boner of the Day

James Murphy. Sure, he's got the je ne sais qoui of a chubby frat boy thing going on, but christ, I would drop my panties in a second for the man who wrote "All My Friends." Not to get all hyperbolic but I think this jam is the best song ever written. The Franz Ferdinand cover taint bad either.


Double Dooked

Last night I was supposed to go to with Gandy to a screening for Shanon's work. The plan was to go to a bar on the lower east side, then to our favorite sammie shop, then the screening, then after party. What happened was, I met Gandy at his office where he fixed me a gin & Dr. Pepper and I think that's where the plan began to unravel. We then went to meet his clients at a music studio, where they fed us drinks and ordered us pizza. Around 8:30, Gandy dooked me and I mean DOOKED me. Went to go have a cigarette with his coworker, who came back upstairs and said. "So I'm not supposed to tell you, but Andrew left." Motherfucker Irish goodbyed me, with his boss, his coworkers and a mess of other people I didn't know, who then made fun of me for getting ditched. In turn, I decided to dook Shanon and hop a cab back to Brooklyn to make poor decisions of my own. I kind of dooked her Saturday too, come to think of it, so I am pretty much waiting for the other poo shoe to drop. In other news, I am very hungover and this update from my girl Leslie is about the only thing keeping me going:

jenny. i had a date last night with a guy who said his favorite movie, hands down, is the sound of music. srsly. he's asian. he also told me about the disco ball in the center of his living room ceiling.
he also wants to make a chandelier out of a hooka. he's fascinated with hookas "i don't like to smoke anything, but i like the idea of community and sharing."

Oh, also Cara tricked me into agreeing to babysit her broken cat over the weekend, which I guess means drug it and make it watch "I Love You Man" with me on Sunday morning. Here is a picture she sent me of said Frankencat, with the caption "Scary ass cat." His name is Chris and he just had surgery because he is not good at being a cat and fell out of a tree and broke his hip. The surgery wasn't cheap either and I think Cara's Mom put it best when she said, "New cats are free." 



Everybody Relax

I finally figured it out! This morning I was all "how in the heck did I cut my foot up last night?" Then my coworker reminded me that after I gave 7 people shots of whiskey I tripped over the deck cables and turned off all the music at the bar. Sounds about right.

Thanks to my lady Jenny who coached me through the "do I need stitches" phase this morning.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Franksgiving

I'm not really sure where to start with my Thanksgiving story, so I'm just going to rip this off like a bandaid - I boned down in the basement of my friend's parent's house in the suburbs of Philly, and my friend's dad busted me. To be fair, we were sleeping at the time, but suddenly the lights were on and I heard a "Oh hai!" shock of surprise, followed by retreating footsteps. Then I heard him tell my buddy's entire family (mom, sisters, sister's fiance, etc) that "Shanon and ...someone are downstairs."

I quickly ran upstairs and told those busy-bodies I could hear every word they were saying, then my friend's mom asked me if he wanted to stay for Thanksgiving dinner. When said boy finally came upstairs he was promptly given a cup of coffee and a piece of cake, then got to watch me get a flu shot (I'll give you one guess as to who's family this is). After he left my friend's mom said she approved and we make a really cute couple.

Holiday Season

Officially upon us. Last Friday I watched "Home Alone 2; Lost In New York" whilst getting drunk on mulled wine and last night at the bar I interrupted Shanon's snooze of a friend to inform him that "Scrooged" was playing. Time for eggnog and cookies and holiday parties I will remember going to but not leaving and de-tagging incriminating facebook photos of myself that involve mistletoe or featured an open bar. And this.

Hungover Humpday

I promised Jenny I'd write a brog about my thanksgiving debacle but sweet christ am I hungover today. I was supposed to go out with this weiner last night but he was in a meeting until 9:30 so I said fuck it and hit up 2 for 1 Tuesdays with Gandy and a coworker. 10 drinks later and I ended up at home after running away from said weiner after he tried to talk to me about his feelings. Then Jenny and I had this conversation.


Boner of the Day

David Duchovny. Jesus, Mary and Agent Mulder, when did Davey Duchovs turn into such a stone cold fox? I recently started watching Californication on the Netflix and almost didn't notice how fine he was because this show bombards you with boobies (real talk- guys and gay gals- jump on this titty train) and the terrible actress that plays his main woman, but then all asudden I found myself wanting to get all XXX files with him. Maybe it's because his character is a smarmy asshole and hot jerks are my achilles heel, but whatever Duchovny's doing, keep up the good work. Then I remembered how hilarious he is in "Zoolander," which sent his boner stock through the roof.



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