Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dear Santa,

How is the North Pole? I hope Mrs. Clause has been putting out and that you got Rudolph the help he needed for his "nose problem."
Allright, enough chit chat, let's get down to business. You and I both know that my name set the benchmark for the "Good List" this year and I could be doing a lot worse in the ho ho ho department, so here's some crib notes of things I'd like my stocking stuffed with:

A disposable flask. I originally wanted a real flask and I am frankly ashamed for going 28 years without one, but then I found these disposable flask jams exist and oh hello, I'll take four hundred, please. This is going to make attending sporting events so much easier. Metal detectors? No prob, Bob. In fact, fuckit, I'ma line my pockets with them.

A stunt double. But only for boring stuff! Not a clone, mind you, we've all seen "Multiplicity" here. But one to stand in on line at the bank or the post office or for dudes who are a snooze in the sack or at work on days when I am hungover.

A samurai sword. Maybe this is my love of Kill Bill talking, but swords are cool and I want one. It should probably lean towards the blunt side though,unless you want to deliver me a lawyer to handle the subsequent legal battles I foresee.

Drunk babes & free pizza. These things are both great separately, but when they're combined it's like being round-housed by a happiness ninja. A babe bought me a slice last night! Keep 'em coming, Daddy Clause.

Hannukah's for jerks,
xx Jenny


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