Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ssssecrets

I love cruises! For. Real. I fucking LOVE that shit. My grandparents were pretty lazy when it came to traveling and cruises were the answer to their lazy prayers. Think about it - you go to a bazillion different cities in 10 days, all while staying in the same place where your meals are taken care of and there are dope activities for when you're bored. You feel like singing karaoke at 3 in the afternoon? Sure thing! You don't wanna go to that one bar by the pool? No problem! There are 5 other bars - it's a giant fucking boat!

I have been on 6 cruises in my short lifetime - 4 to Alaska (my grandfather also enjoyed vacationing to the same place every year), one to the British Isles and Scandinavia, and one around Europe.

I met my very first boyfriend on a cruise when I was 10. We totally held hands and hung out every day. But then some crazy bitch got jealous and told me to "stay the fuck away from him." That was the first time anyone ever said "fuck" to me and I was so scared I almost dookied my pants. After that I was afraid to go 5 steps from my mom and would make her hold my hand if said tough bitch was around. When she saw me and my mom holding hands she said "Holding hands? Is your mom gay or something?" I ran back to my room and cried after that one. No one calls my mom gay! ...except me (I totally asked her if she was a 'bo when I was in high school).

We did the British Isles and Scandanavia cruise when I was 21 and boy did me and my uncle get hammered. He kept asking this other passenger with big boobs to hug him. It was pretty pervy and awesome, but at the time I was too busy flirting with a British crew member to make fun of him. The next day I yakked everywhere but it was worth it because me and the Brit boy totally did it in his cabin. Sexy times!

The last cruise was just me and my grandma around Europe. We missed the boat on the very first stop (too much boozin in Barcelona) and had to fly to Cannes to catch up with it. The crew totally made fun of us since obviously everyone knew that two passengers were missing. They keep excellent records, you see. Me and my grams spent the rest of our time getting drunk at this one bar. She would call it a night then I would stay and hang with the bartender. We made out a few times but I think he got weirded out when I tried to tell him that relationships between passengers and crew members were frowned upon. What can I say? I was trying to get my Titanic on!

So yeah, I love cruises and am totally gonna make my future hubbie and kids go on them with me. Fuck it. I might just go on one by myself.

Boners of Yesteryear

So I have a serious case of the hangovers today. It turns out that $12 all you can drink Miller High Lifes is a blessing AND a curse. What's keeping me going is knowing that Shanon & Gandy are in the same boat, of their own accords. I think we're all eating french fries right now, at our respective places of business. At least I am.

Anyways, behold the latest Boner of Yesteryear; Harrison Ford.  I was riding the fence on this one, because I originally placed him in the dudes I'd still roll up in the hay with, but the more I google image searched pics of him, the more he started to resemble my Grandpa? Yeah. Shit got weird. Plus he seems to be dead set on wearing this insanely faggy earring at all times.

But back in the day? Uh, hello, the doctor is IN. Doctor Jones that is.




Then Gandy came up with an excellent plan for the Holiday weekend, while discussing how this dude I dated looks freaky-deaky like Harry Fords in "Blade Runner."

Hungsover

First of all, I apologize for neglecting this blog. Work work work, all I do is work! The worst part about it is that I work 50+ hours a week and don't get laid. Quel dommage! I also don't get paid, but that is neither here nor there.

Anyway, I am incredibly hungover and can't form coherent sentences so I thought I'd just start writing and see where it goes.

Last night I went to the Ace Hotel and had the most amazing french fries in my life. They came with homemade hummus and spicy pickles. We got 3 orders! I also drank a lot of champagne and three (?) martinis. Everything after that gets a little fuzzy. But I do remember the tiff with the cab driver. It went a little something like this:

Cabbie - Excuse me, you're not allowed to smoke in this cab.
Me - Oh man, sorry dude. Wait, cigarettes or weed?
Cabbie - Cigarettes!
Me - Ok totally. I'm tossing it out. (I did not toss it out.)
Cabbie - You can't smoke marijuana either!
Me - Ok!
(5 minutes later)
Cabbie - Can you please stop smoking marijuana?
Me - Don't you worry about it.

And I'm sure most of you have seen this already, but here's the new Nike commercial. It's so fucking good ...and probably cost more than I will make in the next 10 years.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fruit Musings

It's gettin' all hot and shit, which means that fruit season is upon us (Winter fruit is always suspect). Fruit and I have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes I am all about it and would jump a fence or wrestle a squirrel for some blueberries, but other times, I'd rather catch Scurvey from lack of vitamin C than attempt to choke down a sub-par orange.

Generally, I don't like fruit that is a production to eat. Pick that shit off a tree/bush/chiquita banana's hat and be done with it. This is why I opt out of apples, pears, plums and the like; I don't want to be left with a core to deal with and have to throw it at someone or look for a trashcan because I know it's biodegradable and whatnot but it still feels kinda wrong and the last thing I need is to get hassled by some patchouli-huffing no-good hippie. And fruit that sticks you with their wrapping paper is the worst; bananas, oranges, kiwis, same deal. This is why berries and grapes are the rulers of my fruit kingdom. Except for strawberries, since you get so caught up in making sure you pick a good one that before you know it you're back at square one with that annoying little green stem.

I wasn't crazy about mangos until I bought one from the Mexican lady selling them at the track cause she put hot sauce, salt and lemon juice up on it and now that shit tastes just like Doritos. It's my new favorite food and motivates me to run to the track just to get one, as I did last night and plan on doing again later. Thank you, Magic Mexi She-witch.

What also is a bummer about fruit is the better it tastes the more difficult it is to get to. Pineapples? Delicious, but those are some stabby motherfuckers. I'm so tired and bloody and mangled by the time I get to the good stuff I dunno if I even want it anymore. And everyone knows coconuts are the best, but carrying around dynamite & machetes seems to be frowned upon since 9/11 (thanks for nothing, terrorists) and I have no idea how else to crack them open. Wait, what is this, like the harder you work for something, the better the payoff will be? What crap. The last thing I need is life lessons from some smug-ass fruit.

I'll leave you with a touching song about nature's vaginafruit - the papaya.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Ssssecrets

I care not for going to the movies. People get so bent out of shape when I tell them this, it's like saying I raped an orphanage when it's really no big deal. Last weekend I met a dude who shared my view on this and we were so stoked to have found our brethren that I think we hugged and high-fived.

It's not that I don't like movies, because I do. I love movies! What's better than movies (TV)? I simply prefer watching them at someone's houses or in a park or on a plane. And when people say, "But you have to see it on the big screen!" I say the damn I do, unless that bitch is in 3-D and I'm gonna see some dragons or blue Avatar ninjas flying at my face, I'm more than down with the viewing experience my own couch and TV provides.

Right off the bat, going to the movies involves two things I am terrible at: planning ahead and waiting in lines. I don't like to buy advance tickets, for fear of missing the show due to unavoidable circumstances like a bike accident or happy hour. The alternative is waiting in lines and Shanon has expressed what that's like. Then after you get tickets you still never know how crowded that shit's gonna be and then maybe you get split up from your friends and have to sit by yourself and just end up thinking I'm so glad I paid $12.50 to experience this with a bunch of strangers.

I also enjoy drinking during movies and have no trouble sneaking in booze, but will inevitably have to take a leak(s) at some point, which involves a whole lot of annoying excuse me'ing and deciding whether to squeeze by ass or bush first. Or the other thing that happens is I get far too drunk and don't remember the movie at all. Then I wind up renting it again anyways, so why not just cut out the middle man. I also tend to get really sleepy when put in a dark place with booze and will more often than not just pass out and if I feel like sleeping through things I paid for, I'ma just go back to college.

Then when you're walking out and you have to listen to all these people and their  opinions? I care not for opinions other than my own. Everyone should watch this helpful guide to movie-going by Mastadon before being allowed entry into the cinema.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Favorite Rapper

Skee-Lo! Whenever I start wishing for shit I don't have that seems reasonable enough, the jam "I Wish" by Skee-Lo always pops into my head. I love listening to the raps as much as any other suburb-raised middle class white girl, but Jay-Z and Kanye's world is not my own, not even Eminem's. Skee-Lo rhymes about real-talk shit I can relate to. He doesn't wish for diamonds or an indoor bowling alley or even a yacht. He's not using hip-hop as a fuck you to everyone who put him down, he's saying Hey, I'm okay with most of the cards I been dealt, but I'm also not asking for a whole lot here, just for a date with a non-hood rat, seriously.
The moral of this story is don't reach for them stars like Biggie - aim low! Skee-Lo. 

Here's the video, which is awesome and "Forest Gump" themed, for reasons unbeknownst to me. Then I dissected some choice lines, just 'cuz.


I wish I was little bit taller,  
Yeah me too, then I could probs double my daily cookie intake and not worry about being a Fatty McGee. Who wouldn't like to be taller? Tyra Banks, maybe. Inn real life she is a terrifying giant. 

I wish I was a baller
Duh. I dunno what I want more; to be or to bone Allen Iverson.
 
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
Mmm not sure what he 's going for here, but I'd rather this line be stuck in my head than this one by the Alkaholiks I can't fucking shake: 
I got bitties, in all the major cities
The safest way to have sex is right between her titties
WHO LIKES TITTY-FUCKING?? No one. Waste of my time and yours. Anyway.

and a '64 Impala
Here is the car Skee-Lo wants:

And here is the car Jay-Z drove in his "Lost Ones" video:
This wasn't even a real car you could buy at the time, it was a CONCEPT car that looks like the fucking batmobile.

Dag y'all! I never understood
Why the jocks get the fly girls
And me I get the hood rats
Hahaha. Hood rats. 
 
I tell 'em scat, skittle, skibobble
Got hit with a bottle
One time I told a hood rat to skibobble and she winged a glass across the room at me that shattered on my arm.

I confess it's a shame when you livin' in a city
That's the size of a box and nobody knows yo' name
Truth, only everybody knows your name in this incestuous town. It's like "Cheers" with less Sam & Diane and more Chlamydia.

Hey, I wish I had my way
'Cause everyday would be a Friday
You could even speed on the highway
This line is great, fuckit, every day SHOULD be Friday and let's eat candy for dinner and jump on the bed and never brush our teeth again! Yeah.
 
I would play ghetto games
Name my kids ghetto names
Little Mookie, Big Al, Lorraine
Little Mookie!! And is Lorraine a "ghetto name"? That's like the name of someone's Aunt.

So if you're down on your luck
Then you should know just how I feel

Like a fart in a hurricane. Useless.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Boners of Yesteryear

Charles Grodin, mmm hmm. Wikipedia tells me he was born the same year traffic lights were invented, but no matter. What a babe he was! You might think I was into him in "Midnight Run" or "The Heartbreak Kid" and shit, but no, I prefer when he plays permanently P.O.'ed Hot Dads in such classics as "Beethoven" (one AND two) or "Clifford." The fact that he was also in "The Great Muppet Caper" is like the cherry on my Boner Sundae. Chas always plays jerks, the lady-killing/doesn't give a flying fuck kind that make me want to say, Hey Grody, you can't talk to me like that! And I'm gonna have sex with you to prove it, you smarmy asshole. Let's go.





Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Cabbies, My Newest Frienemy

Last night I got a wee-bit tipsy (yet again) and had to take a cab home. I don't remember how it started but by the end of the trip I had one arm and my head in the hole of the plastic divider. You know, so we could hear each other better. That's how into the conversation I was ...with the cab driver ...about the differences between Burkina Faso and Egypt. I know very little about either of those things! I think we were discussing African music and Spanish as a second language but who the fuck knows. I ended up giving him my card too for reasons I don't understand. Is he going to email me and we'll hang out and eat Ecuadorian food?

I'm not really sure what dictates drunk Shanon's behavior, but if cabs are involved, things can go one of two ways - and pretty much anything can tip the scale either way. Jenny just broke it down for me: "You have a love/hate relationship with cabbies, you're either BFFs or a serious cunt to the point I fear getting kicked out in the middle of the BQE. With most people this would be because of direction disputes. With you... could be anything."

It's so true! I got into a fight with one just last week for saying to me "we're in Greepoint." We were, in fact, in Greenpoint, but what a little bitch to inform me of that. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. Ohhhhh cabbies. And yes I meant to put this pic of Dr. Evil up.

The 7 Stages of The Hangover

M'lady and I had quite the boozie Sunday which included proseco, champagne, wine, beer, lobster rolls, too much weed, bacon maple cupcakes, homemade ice cream and a teepee. It was pretty amazing. I pulled an Irish goodbye around 10pm and had the cab drop me off in front of my local pizza joint only to be pissed that they were closed. Then I remembered that I had 5 slices of leftover Fornino's pizza and drunkenly ate ALL OF THEM. My room mate watched me do this and I would be surprised if I didn't disgust her at least a little.

Anyway, yesterday was rough. An ichat convo with Jenny pretty much summed up where we were both at.


Hangover's are so tricksy! Here's are the main stages (written while hungover, ba-zing!).

1. Shock & Denial. Or as I like to call it, "Still Drunk." You wake up feeling glorious and well rested, with the ridiculous notion that perhaps you've finally beaten The Dreaded Hangover. You sucker! The worst is yet to come.

2. Pain & Guilt. You're sitting in a meeting at work. Your eyes are bloodshot, your face is on fire and you could potentially puke at any moment. You feel like used donkey balls! Suddenly doing all those shots on a Sunday night while watching HBO's The Pacific doesn't seem like the smartest decision you've ever made.

3. Anger & Bargaining. Why did you do this to yourself! You're so stupid! But maybe if you eat a shit-ton of bacon and some kind of asian dish with greasy noodles you will feel better. Maybe?

4. Depression & Relection. Le Sigh. You're 28 and still hittin the sauce like a 16 year old. You're semi-pathetic and maybe this is why you will never make enough money to buy a house or a pet sloth (Jenny wants one). I mean, think about it, you've been wikipediaing Radiohead songs all day to find out how they wrote "Spinning Plates" (ITS ANOTHER SONG THEY WROTE, BUT IN REVERSE). So sure, you're learning important things, but have you actually gotten any work done today? Something that will pay your bills?

5. The Upward Turn. ZOMG all the food you're eating is so delicious! You've eaten 3 meals and it's not even 1pm but who gives a cat's ass because everything tastes amazing and you want to eat it all.

6. Reconstruction & Working Through. Things are looking up so you see if anyone wants to hang out or go so a movie. Take that, hangover! You can still function, you're not a complete waste.

7. Acceptance & Hope. Ok, so you're actually pooped out and really want to go home and sleep, but it's cool bebe, you made it and can move on.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Sloths Sloths Sloths Sloths Sloths Sloths

Uhhh...the name of this post pretty much says it all. Gandy started me off with this sloth video, which in turn led to both of us Googling sloths for the better portion of our collective days.


Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

These adorable dudes are so cute that they could melt the heart of Gargamel. Wait, he was a cat person though, I think. Why didn't his cat just eat all them Smurfs? Chasing tiny blue and white people seems like a cat's wet dream. Anyway, I showed Shanon the video and she agreed that sloths do in fact, rule, and then we had some deep convos like this

Me: I wish they could talk.
Shanon: I wonder what kind of voice they would have
Me: Why would they all have the same voice? What kind of sense does that make.
Shanon: What kind of sense do YOU make.
Me: Well played.

Then Andrew sent me this video, rastafarian baby sloths! Jah!



And Chris emailed me this picture that he captioned "Little Angels." I'm in love.

Boners of Yesteryear

Happy Monday! I'm kicking off this week with a  hangover and am just now leaving the still drunk phase and entering the sleepy/slightly grumps/all I want to do is eat everything ever phase. Don't drink on the Lord's Day, kids.

Anywho, here's a new column for you - Boners of Yesteryear (brainchild of Gandy) to honor  the ghosts of boners past. Let's start with some Chevy Chase. Currently, he plays Saggy Mc Old Balls on an unfunny show called "Community," but man, he used to be such a fucking fox.




Friday, May 14, 2010

Sandy?

I don't think Sandy, or "Straight Andrew," ever existed, 'cept maybe for that brief spell when he was married (true story), but here are some photos of Gandy mackin' it to the ladies. But seriously, who you tryin' to fool Gandy?!

What is this, a Diesel ad?

So nonchalant, so je ne sais quoi.

The real question here is what are those suspenders even holding up?

Yeah side-burns rapist Gandy, stick them pasties on them boobies!

Woops, how dis pic of me and Paul Rudd get in there?

This photo is of epic proportions.

Um...

UMMMM.....

HAPPY NATIONAL GANDY DAY!

Fuckit, It's National Gandy Day

My turn! Picture posts are all I can handle, since I feel like Bigfoot boned me in the ear. Welcome to my Gallery O' Gandy! Hold onto your butts (he might try and stick it in).


Angsty Andy.


Yes, that's Gandy. You probs just didn't recognize him under all the gay pirate french he's wearing.


And here's where that night went. Nowhere good.


Who dat ninja? To be fair, this was Halloween....maybe.


This picture haunts my dreams.


Almost as much as this one.

Gandy Musings

I was going to write a blog about early 90s elementary school style:



But then I got side-tracked thinking about how Gandy would totally rock the Looney Toons t-shirt present day, meaning at the age of 29 and it being 2010.

Then THAT got me thinking about Gandy's style as a whole. Or to be more specific, it got me thinking even more about Gandy's style than I normally do. Jenny and I often muse with one another about our dear friend and his fashion sense. For no reason whatsoever I'll find myself imagining what he would look like if he actually dressed his age. Would it be business casual? Clarks and sweaters? Jack Spade accessories? Who knows!

Gandy, you see, dresses like a teenage day-glo raver, and has done so for as long as I've known him. I suppose that speaks highly of his character - unwavering, uncompromising and forever young - but I also think he looks like a goof half the time. Here are some choice examples:

This one is a personal favorite - my own outfit is ridiculous (I think those are Blair's black-out glasses?) but the "Hella Tight" hat with the hot pink shorts. baby blue panda shirt and sleezy 'stache is a Gandy classic.)


But then we had this convo and he totally schooled me, because while I'd like to think of my own style as "J. Crew and L.L. Bean vacation in Nantucket," there was definitely some questionable shit back in the day.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sleepy Time

I was doing research on my flickr page for another blog I'm putting together when I noticed how many pics I have of drunk buddies passed out. I thought it would be neato to put them up, so here they are. There are a lot of Gandy.




Oh look, it's 5 girls piled on top of passed out Gandy.