Bond Villains: A Boning Breakdown

Eveyone wants to bone James Bond, duh, but evil geniuses need lovin too. Maybe.

Dr. No More like Doctor Yes Prease! As far as these dudes go, you could do a lot worse than this Asian-esque fella. Keep reading.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld I'd way rather have sex with Mike Meyers than the actor who plays this dude. Fuckit, I might rather have sex with Mini-Me than him. I dunno man, single dudes who are way attached to their cats freak me out. Oh and he also has a GIANT HIDEOUS SCAR over his eye. Shudder.

Auric Goldfinger Sure, he might crush you in the midst of doing it, or kill you by painting you gold (it is his only love, you see) but I would be more than happy to find this freckled  pudge-pot at the end of my rainbow, 'cause homeboy is a sugar daddy if there ever was one. And as far as henchmen go, his is tops.

Dr. Kanaga (Mr. Big) C'monnnnn! Once you go Kananga...

Francisco Scaramanga I actually think this actor used to work at the restaurant I lived across the street from in Little Italy. He would stand out front and try to convince tourists theirs was the best food joint out of the other forty that looked exactly like it on our block, then get hammered and buy me drinks at the local watering hole up the street and repeatedly tell me my boyfriend was a scumbag until someone else would try and talk to me, at which point he would fall off his stool trying to fight them. Moral is; a golden gun can only take you so far, my friends. So far.

Hugo Drax (Moonraker) Is it me or does dude look like he belongs in a hip hop video. "Drax" would so be his name. Fuck Drake (JK I love Drake!). But real talk, in every one of these pictures I'm expecting half naked rump-shaking-moon-raking ladies to pop out from behind a laser beam and bring Bond to the yard with their milkshakes. I just keep hearing Kanye's voice in my head, every time I think of a funny caption for these pictures. Or that air-horn sound.

General Orlov Hahahahahahahahahhahaha. Octopussy. Hahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahaha.
In other news, schwiiiiiiiiing.

Max Zorin Sure, I get that Chris Walken is a sick, sick actor and I love the hell out of him but brass tacks here; he is the epitome of "heebie jeebies." If I ever did hit it, it'd have to be in a public bathroom or something since I'd be too scared to fall asleep after, lest he steal my soul.

Franz Sanchez What! How am I twenty eight and have yet to acquire a man that rolls with an iguana riding sidecar on his shoulder. Come to think of it, I did date this dude when I was fifteen (named Biffner) who had a pet iguana. We used to get stoned watch it roam around his room and feed it grapes. One time he threw it at me and (being high) I flipped the fuck out. I broke up with him because he would always show up at my parents house to pick me up whilst tripping out on LSD. I like to think that if we had stayed together, our life would be something like this.

Alec Trevelyan Okay, this one's kind of a babe, but he seems to have caught a case of the Seal. Which apparently rakes in supermodels like a moth to a flame so perhaps it will work out in his favor.

Elliot Carver Aw hell no. Feel like I would hit it with this dude and then he'd ask if I needed help with my math homework after and I'd run to my room crying and yelling "JUST CAUSE YOU MARRIED MY MOM DOESN'T MAKE YOU MY DAD! I HATE YOU!!" Door slamming would ensue.

Renard The fuck is up with this lazy-eyed, one-named Rooskie. Pass.

Gustav Graves Ooooh hoo hoo, now we talkin'. Finally they started learning that no one likes looking at uggos. This makes up for Gustav up there and then some, check out his power glove!! Gustav sure got my number.

Le Chiffre Allright, I'm sensing a je ne sais trend here...I guess in order to be a Bond villain you have to have an eyeball defect of some sort, like Senor Frog here, but I see right through that and would totes bones malones with Chiffy. Oui.

Dominic Greene Way to end on a high note. The next Bond flick better have way less bug-eyed bonerkillers like this in it or I want my double oh dollars back.

Conclusion; would it kill the producers to cast some foxy villains? This list is like the ugly train making all local stops. Which makes sense, because no one wants pretty people to die. They should live forever.

Humpday Musings

Here are some things I have been thinking about today:

When exactly does Darth Vader realize that Luke's his son? I mean, when he's chasing him in A New Hope he says "the force is strong with this one," but then why come he didn't say that about Leia when he was all interrogating her aboard the Death Star? And then suddenly in Empire Strikes Back he's obsessed with finding Luke and the Emperor's all "Anakin's son must not be trained as a Jedi." This confounds me quite often. CONFOUNDS.

If I walking in tight pants and I fart, does the butt of my pants bubble out? This is a legitimate concern of mine.

The new Tron soundtrack is gonna be siiiiick. For my other fellow nerds, here's 6 songs from the album. It comes out in 10 days ...or something like that. I dunno. Stop judging me.

If I'm attracted to a teenage boy in a TV show or film, does that make me a perv? I mean these casting directors are all out to get me, right? There was this kid in that gay/awesome show Parenthood with the chick from Gilmore Girls and the dude from Six Feet Under and he was banging! But then I'm all, wait he's 16. But wait, still hot! But shit, it's illegal. But he's probably like 27 in real life, non?

Am I turning into my mother if I want to start cross-stitching shit like this?

Little Known Phil Facts

New column.

Friday Mysteries

I am finding it extremely difficult to get any work done today. The harvest moon and 90 degree weather is probably to blame. Where I want to be is at the beach, or the Russian bath houses. Where I am is my desk, eating buttermilk ranch pretzels and thinking about the mysteries life offers:

Why does bonin' down make the hangover way more bearable? People claim that it's "exercise" and therefore you sweat out the alcohol, but I call bullshit on that theory, seeing as I do plenty of sweating whilst dancing and running from authority figures or ugly people, and my hangovers still make me want to jump in front of a bus sometimes. My theory is that you're just happy you caught some tail and most likely got your morning thrash on too so you feel pretty damn good about your day. Hmmm...

Can Wolverine get drunk? Or fucked up on any drug? He heals himself extremely quickly, you see, and although booze is my lifeblood, I guess technically your body is like what the shit are you doing to me where are my motor skills and why do I suddenly want to have sex with that fat one-eyed frat boy over there? So maybe he would only be able to get drunk for like five minutes at a time. And why isn't there superhero liquor? Wolverine's would be the strongest whiskey known to man. Storm's would be a Smirnoff Ice type bullshit. Storm sucks. Magneto's would be gin of some sort. Professor X would be some classy on the rocks, I-ain't-fuckin-around-shit. Gambit would be like Budweiser. Rogue's would be a suicide type deal, a bunch of other boozes all combined, or maybe it would be non-alcoholic since Rogue can't get busy so beer goggles would be an issue. Boy did Rogue get the short end of that stick! Who would get tequila I wonder....Hmmm...

Are people on the train who play their music from their devices without headphones fucking serious? I will never understand this. Never know if they're just being assholes, are too poor to afford headphones, or just really think that everyone else wants to hear their terrible music. It's never anything good either, always terrible gangsta rap. Which is maybe why these dudes get away with it, because everyone else on the train is too scared of getting shanked to say anything. Hmmm...

What muppet would I be if I were a muppet? Well this little riddle has eaten up the past 45 minutes of my day. And although I am still not sold on an answer, this is totally Shanon, amiright?



Ehh who am I kidding. This is us both.

Snacks, Or Why I Might Be An Old Man

Today I ate all three of my snack preferences and after each realized that I might be a grandpa. Maybe.

#1 - Fig Newtons. I've discussed my love of all things Fig and Newton before. I never really thought twice about how often I eat these things (I'd say at least 4-5 times a week? Is that wrong?). My coworker accompanied me to 3 different bodegas to find them today, and when I finally got them in my hands I was like a little monkey that's found a stray kitten. Don't you fucking touch my kitten! He remarked that fig newtons were old man territory. "So what if they keep me regular?!" was my response. Verbatim.

#2 - Apples. Shut up, ok. I like apples. But as I was telling Jenny today, I am also terrified by apples. My fake front tooth was glued in by a 21 year old dental student. Every time I bite into an apple I'm afraid that my tooth will come out with it. Fear of teeth loss while eating is not quite the sign of a healthy 28 year old.

#3 - Hi-Chews. I have these things stashed away in my drawer so that my sticky fingered co-workers can't get at them (which everyone else totally does, right? Hoarding?). But today I was chewing on one and it got stuck in the back of my teeth and I was BUGGING. Then I seriously contemplated eating only hard candy from now on so I don't get anything stuck in my molars.

Long story short, I am a 78 year old man, trapped in the body of a 28 year old woman, trapped in the body of a 23 year old dude. Where's my therapist?

Boner of Yesteryear

Yusef Islam. Or "Cat Stevens" if you will. Dude used to look like a beatnik version of Sayid from "Lost," which suits me just fine as I will be the hot sauce on that babe sandwich. AND they're both British. Swoon.
He also has this amazing quote about how he chose the name "Cat" to begin with: "I couldn't imagine anyone going to the record store and asking for 'that Steven Demetre Georgiou album'. And in England, and I was sure in America, they loved animals." Stupid Americans. He's got our number!

Nowadays I heard he has all kindsa trouble boarding airplanes and the like, but seventies Cat? Me-Ow.

Boner of the Day

Jason Ritter! I was hoping to make this a totally gross double Boner of the Day and Boner of Yesteryear with Jason and John but then realized I hated Three's Company and always thought John looked like a such a 'mo. Maybe that was a thing in the 80s though, shrug.

But look at Jason! He so cute, like a cross between Josh Hartnett, skinny Val Kilmer and a Mexican Johnny Depp.

Movie Shout Out

After Jenny's epic Hook post I thought I'd attempt to start a weekly (who am I kidding, more like bi-annual) movie column. Tentatively titled "Movie Shout Out." I am open to changing this. Author's note: Let's be real, this is just my way of getting my ass to the movies more, because seeing a movie on a Saturday night in a crowded theater is the tits. While stoned on hash, never forget.

First up in this segment is the Ben Affleck directed, The Town. Let me tell you, this shit was highly entertaining. I mean, sure, some of the dialogue could've been edited, and some of the accents could've been a little more Boston and a little less Puerto Rican (cough, Blake Lively, cough), but if I wanted an Oscar-worthy flick I'd re-watch Star Wars, feel me?

Without getting into the plot cause that takes energy and I'm incredibly lazy, I'll just say - Ben Affleck, totally good; Jeremy Renner, FUCKING AWESOME; John Hamm, dreamy and says "fuck" a lot; Blake Lively, plays a good drugged up 34 year old with her tits hanging out; chick from Vicky Christina Barcelona, whatever, she was cool; overall, fun on a bun.

I give it the ol' endorsement, go see it.

Boner of the Day

Everyone in The Outsiders, fuck yes. I read this book over the weekend while watching football with the roomie (no homo). Then my coworker told me today I looked like a greaser and I almost kissed him. I'd do everyone in this movie, minus Tom Cruise. Ok maybe even Tom Cruise.

(Side note: Trailers from the 80s? Totally fucking weird, or maybe that's just Coppola)

A Productive Week

I was busy as shit all week, but managed to work in some quality convos. Me and Eric:

An email exchange between me & Josh:

Making Columbus Day plans:

Shanon and I talk about twenty-two year old dudes. A lot.

And last but not least, a sweet email from Pandora:

Boner of the Day (Silver Fox Edition)

What the hell do we call this one? Reverse Boner of Yesteryear? Let the record show, that I have never been attracted to Matt LeBlanc. Not when he was on "Friends," not when he was on "Joey" and not even when he was in that baseball movie with a chimp as a co-star. Okay maybe a little when he was on "Married With Children." But all a-sudden he went from goofy exaggerated wop to silver fox/smokin' hot DILF.

Gandy sent me this pic, to which I said I'd hit it and he said Matt or the doob and i said BOTH. Both.

And just for shits & gigs, here is my favorite Joey moment and precisely how I feel about food.

Boner of the Day

This BOD totally refutes my decision below to stick with the young kids. Brian Anderson is 34 and fuck I would have all sorts of babies with him. The hot older skater is like my maltese falcon. Impossible to find, but I'll be the happiest woman alive if I can find it.

The Great Debate

Otherwise known as: Boning Young Dudes Vs Boning Old Dudes

Being 28 years old gives us ladies two fantastic options - the mid-30s bracket and the early 20s crew. Jenny is in the former camp while I am quite torn between the two. Let's look at the pros and cons of both, shall we.

Old Dudes

Pros: Man, they sure do know what they're doing in the sack. Most of them own a car, which I'm all for, and are down to drive me to the outer boroughs to try fancy new restaurants. AND pay for the meals at said restaurants. They also have an aversion to hanging out in the Burg constantly, which I appreciate.

Cons: Old guys don't have a lot of variety in the style department. A fact that totally bums me out. I want a dirty punk, mod or skater bro. I'd even take a wigger (no Jenny). They're also old, duh, so can't do the every night rage which I'm all about. But truth be told I think the worst thing about old guys is that their biological clock is ticking worse than a chicks and I just can't handle being around another person that often. I'm what they call, "a commitment phobe" who doesn't like to talk about "feelings." (Unless it's to drunkenly tell my crew that I love them.)

Young Boys

Pros: They're all skaters or dirty punks! They wear vans! They want to rage with me and they laugh at all of my jokes!! God I love them.

Cons: Unfortunately for us ladies, they generally don't have any money and supporting someone other than my lady friend Jenny is kind of a drag (JK she totally supports me). They also don't tend to know what they're doing in the sack. Bad sex is not something I'm into. No way. Although to be fair I have only encountered this problem 50% of the time. So it could go either way, but really, who wants to teach? Not me.

But aside from all of that, methinks I'll stick with the youngins. I am more like a 23 year old boy myself so it just makes more sense. Plus it brings me one step closer to achieving my life long dream of becoming a boat-rich cougar.

Here are some pics of young hot boys for all you ladies (and Gandy).

"Hook" Is The Shit.

Goddamn I fucking love this movie and I mean LOVE. This movie is like that stoner friend that's always lurking in your apartment, smoking your weed while you're at work. You come home and you're all "dammnit stoner friend, why did I give you keys" and they're all "chill bro, hit this and check out the Dorito I found that looks like a cat!" and then you're all okay, you're right, that shit is funny and cats are uptight and then you drink a beer together and it's all good until tomorrow when it happens all over again. That's the relationship I feel like Hook has with my DVD player. They just can't quit each other!
This movie has so many awesome parts to it that I can't even pick my favorite. Oh wait, yes I can. Rufio.

Shannie's Music Poo Baw Whatever

So I've totally been on the Pandora tip lately and not listening to anything new. Turns out I am super gay for this website, and if you're reading this Pandora, please hire me! I've turned most of you onto the Bone Thugs station (you're WELCOME) but here are some other one's I've been feeling, in no particular order.

1. Phil Collins. Jenny actually suggested this one as we've been discussing all things Phil recently (more to come on that later). I totally dug this one until I realized this was my mom's playlist from the 80s and that mildly scared the crap out of me. Mostly because I don't want to turn into my mother (shudder).

2. LCD Soundsystem. I like this one because LCD clearly bugs Pandora out. Is it techno? Is it indie? Is it rap? Pandora don't know! So it mostly just plays awesome fucking remixes, makes for an interesting afternoon and kick ass party.

3. ODB. So good! My fav Wu Tang member and also ensures that a lot of solo Wu shit is played, along with other dope shit not from the West Coast (which is still the best place for hip hop, but I'll admit not the ONLY place to find good hip hop).

4. Fleetwood Mac. Duh Squared.

5. Explosions in the Sky. I'm not a sad person, but this is a damn good place to be if you're feelin blue. Cathartic cries are healthy, nah mean?

6. Built To Spill. I saved this one for last because it's my favorite. Jenny, Chris and I just went to go see them play on a boat and it was amazing. We got shit faced and spent the entire evening expressing our love for one another. Here's a good photo that sums it up. The Pandora station is incredible because its all the best indie music from the best decade of music to ever exist - the 90s. Don't you dare suggest otherwise.

Bowling Makes Me Feel Dykey

Last weekend, Shanon, Chris, Gandy & Co ventured out to Sunset Park to do some bowling and if there is one thing I learned, or remembered I should say, is that bowling in no way makes me feel like a lady. It is clumsy and awkward and I am just no good at it. And nor do I care to be, because that shit is like being a lesbian times a hundred. This is not to say that I am "ladylike" by any means, seeing as I tend to eat like a starving raccoon, curse and/or drink like a ornery seaman and have no shame/problem hanging out with most people whilst in my underpants but you could combine all of that and then stick me in the middle of an Ani DiFranco mosh pit and I would still feel far more hetero then I do while bowling. Even if I went bowling wearing a ball gown and white gloves, I would look down at those big goofy clown shoes they make you wear and feel more like a tranny than I would Cinderella.

I almost made this post a Ssssecret, being that I don't enjoy bowling, but it can be fun, for the first few frames and pitchers of Buds, but it's one of those things that once a year or so is good for me and never with any dude I have hopes of getting to know in the biblical sense.

Check out these pics of me & Shanon tickling the pins (I just made that slang term for bowling up). NO HOMO.

Musings on Charlie Korsmo

I know what you're thinking - why OH WHY has it taken me this long to write about one of my favorite actors from my childhood? Well, for one, Summer's been keeping me extra busy, what with Ren Faires and Russian Bath Houses being in existence. And for another, I actually forgot all about him until this past rainy-day Sunday when I watched What About Bob while eating an entire pizza with my roomie.

What can I say about Charlie Korsmo - I thought he was so cool when I was a kid! I mean, sure, he held my attention less than Rufio, but that scene where he smashes all the clocks is pure gold. And if you've ever found yourself wondering what the hell he did after that, let me boggle your mind for a second ...Can't Hardly Wait! Don't lie, you would've boned the sexy nerd.

After doing some serious research on what he's doing now (aka getting stoned and looking him up on Google), I actually found out that homeboy went to MIT and then Yale Law. What the hell! I wanted a total meth addict mess but this is ok, I guess. He currently lives in Huntington Station (Long Island) which makes him slightly skeasy so yes, ok, fine, I will stalk the shit out of him.

Things I Never Want To Do Again

Annnnd we're....back? I am. A little. I dun know what Shanon's been doing. Oh wait yes I do, going to Russian bath houses and getting drunk with me, when she's not too busy sending texts saying things like "Totes. Annie Lennox dude, Annie Lennox" or repeatedly accusing me of stealing her Point Break DVD. But yes, Summer is done and now it is Fall and back to work and I'm not too stoked, but my liver probably sees Fall time as a life raft in the booze tsunami that is Summer. I'll show him.
Being back at real work instead of dick-around Summer "work" can suck one (a dong) and so instead I will think about other things I don't ever want to do again. There are many, but here's today's:

Pick up dog shit. Or any animal shit for that matter. I don't even own a dog and I never want to do this again. It always makes me think of this joke they made on Seinfield, where if aliens invaded earth they would think dogs ruled the planet because we're walking around after them picking up their poop.

Speaking of, pooping is something I could do without. What a hassle! Once, my ex-boif asked me two questions, one of which was "Do you enjoy pooping?" to which I responded No, because frankly, I can think of many other things to better occupy my time with, such as drugs or playing S'Catch, and I forget what the other question was but the deal was that these were questions asked in tests by psychologists and if you answered No to them it meant you were a psychopath. In that case color me cray because although I get why it's "necessary," releasing the brown hounds interests me not.

A virgin. I have only swiped one dude's V card (that I am aware of) and that was back in high school and as much as I had no idea what I was doing, dude had even less. Shanon likes to toe the barely-legal line, but I am trying to break her of that habit and mayhaps it's working, seeing as the dudes we last made out with both happen to be 36. How quickly the tables of cougaring turn.

Pay taxes. Actually maybe this one should just be "Math." There's a lot of that in taxes, which I am not so into. Plus when I do taxes it makes me evaluate all the things I spend my money on that I clearly do not need. And the ones I clearly do (see S'Catch paddles).