Friday, January 28, 2011

Traumatizing Food Related Occurrences

This whole raisin and butthole kick got me thinking of food related traumedies I had as a child. Allow me walk you through them.

Chinese food - The first time I ever ate chinese food was at this place called China Palace in SF (doesn't exist anymore). It was all purple on the outside and the decor kind of freaked young Shannie out. I went with my mom and her friend and they were all trying to get me stoked on weird food I'd never eaten before. They asked me if I wanted pot stickers and I was enthusiastically gung ho for it. Imagine little Shanon's anger upon getting the food and realizing it was NOT, in fact, a pot full of cool stickers. Fuck you Chinese food.

Cherries - The first time my mom ever gave me these she brought me two bowls. I had no idea what she was smoking. Two bowls? Who needs that. I ate all the cherries and they were delicious. When my mom came back and asked where the pits were I was confused. Pits? So yeah, that's what the spare bowl was for. Try pooping out a dozen little pellets and see how much you like it.

Constipation - This isn't food related, per se, but I guess I wasn't eating enough fiber the first time I was ever constipated. I was sitting on the toilet for well over half an hour when I finally freaked out and screamed for my mom. "It won't come out! What's wrong with me, it hurts!" was what I said. She rolled her eyes, told me I was constipated and to get over it. Thanks, Mom.

Sharing - I'm an only child and fuck you if you wanted something young me was eating. One time my mom's friend came over when I was eating some strawberries. She asked for one and I said no. Then my mom told me I better give her some or else. That's when I made a break for it and locked myself in the bathroom ...with the strawberries. I was crying hysterically while eating them. Very confusing emotions for a little girl. That's probably why I eat my feelings sometimes (not gonna lie I had two breakfasts this morning).

Sneaky Foods

Allow me, if you will to state my case against raisins. It's not so much the raisins themselves that bother me, as I will eat them plain from time to time, no problemo. As I told Shanon, it goes deeper than that. We then had the following conversation:

As I was saying, my problem is not with raisins themselves, it's that raisins are one of those foods that always show up, but is never invited to the party. Other foods in this category include: celery and bell peppers, which is why these foods top my most hated list. Just the other day I bought a muffin that had all the ingredients listed, oat bran, apple, bla bla bla. I start eating it and a raisin jump-kicked my tongue in the fucking face! Then I had to spend the next fifteen minutes picking them all out because no way is any food gonna tell me what to do. Same with celery being automatically included in all tuna and egg salad sandwiches and soups that I don't make myself and yet it's never listed as being an ingredient. And good ruck ordering a vegetarian dish from a Chinese restaurant that doesn't include red & green peppers. Even when I ask them to name every vegetable that comes in the dish, peppers never get listed so I guess one creates a diversion right before the chef puts the lid on my delivery container and the peppers slip into my takeout.

And there you have it. I never put any of those foods up my butt. I choose my choices, is all.

Why I Love Raisins

So Jenny has a real problem with raisins, much like she does bananas. I've kept my trap shut about this over the years, but no longer! I. Love. Raisins. I put them on everything and have yet to come across a meal that isn't made better by that shriveled up little grape.

Meatballs, better with raisins! Cookie, duh. In fact, all baked goods are pretty much pure gold with raisins in 'em. Oatmeal, please, put some raisins in that shit. Salads, you bet. Cous cous, yummier with currants AND golden raisins. The other day I sauteed up some kale and thought to myself, "Why not put some currants in this too?" And guess what? Delicious!

Raisins, I love you. Plus you might keep me regular? I can't remember is this is true or not. But most dried fruits give me the farts soooo... you do the math.

No ¿Comprende?

Here is something that never ceases to boggle my mind grapes- people who don't give a shit about food. Especially since as far as Things I Think About Most go, food is for sure in the top three. I care so much about what I eat, always! Sometimes I fall asleep at night thinking about what I'm going to eat for dinner the next night so I can plan my breakfast strategy accordingly. Or I will be at my desk, look at the clock and have a slight panic attack if it's 12:30 and I haven't put real thought into my lunch decision. And as Shanon can attest, shit gets serious if I haven't eaten in over five hours or so.

My buddy Jon, who I spent about 72 hours straight with last weekend, is one of these people whose indifference to food I just can't comprehend. I've found it to be a blessing and a curse:

Blessing. I always get to  pick! Me: I want to walk for twenty minutes in six degree weather to get an awesome sandwich. Him: No problem! Me (following day): Let's get another sandwich! And a box of Kraft mac 'n cheese with a cookie for dinner! Him: Thanks for cooking, baby!
That's what I'm talkin' about.

Curse. Sometimes I need a sounding board to bounce ideas off of. What if I think I want tacos and then someone else says they want Thai food and so I see the error of my ways? Eating food I'm not in the mood for is almost as bad as a dude who's a snooze in the doing it department. Oh, and Jon really wasn't siked about the twenty minute sammie expedition. Shrug.

Creeper Hangovers, Fuck You

I didn't think I got that drunk last night but apparently I did. I walked myself home in the slush around midnight after eating one chorizo taco that cost $3.25. My first ichat this morning from the buddy I was with? "That taco was a butt blaster." Jokes on him cause it didn't hurt my butt one bit. However I DID drunk dial my 19 year old cousin and chat with him for a while about video games that I know absolutely nothing about. The fact that I even know what "third-person shooter" means makes me feel... shit I don't know I'm hungover.

Anyway, creeper hangovers! What a piece of poo. I had to watch a band last night who's guitar player kept his eyes closed the whole time and whose lead singer reminded me of Will Farrell's college prof character on SNL. The one who was married to Rachel Dratch and said "LOVAAAHHH" all the time. Shit no wonder I got so drunk.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Little Known Phil Fact #4

It is thundersnowing outside and I just saw lightning. Was chatting with a buddy about what a good jam "Don't Lose My Number" is, which reminded me...

Friday, January 21, 2011

One of Those Days

Where I bought some milk for coffee and found out that we're out of coffee here at the office so I say well I'm going to the Starbucks and my boss is all I don't have any cash and so I say don't worry and he then orders a five dollar drink and in line the dude in front of me is on his cell phone talking loud and bumping into me then proceeds to apologize and ceaselessly hit on me until he gets rung up and is accidentally overcharged sixty cents and makes the cashier refund his card and it takes so long that I eventually hold out a handful of change to him and say there is more than sixty cents here buddy, seriously and hope that he feels like a jackass but then while I'm putting milk in my coffee he hits on me again and that was one of the lesser annoying things that happened today.

And this was the best.

(Thanks, Gandy)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Boner of the Day

Romain Duris. Not gonna lie, I spent my second day of being 29 more or less laying around, due to a few too many hugs and two-fer-Tuesday drinks on my birthday.  So, yesterday was all about eating spaghetti in bed and rom-coms, including one called "Heartbreaker" that stars this adorable froggy.

Dunno where they been keeping this guy (France?) but I will make all the babies with him. Mais oui.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Happy Birthday Jenny!

Today is my lady's bday, holler. Most of the time she annoys the shit out of me but over the past 10 years we've had some great photo ops. I would say I love her or something but that shit is gay. You suck, Jenny.

And just because I like to give her a laugh, here's the very last text I sent to a boy I like last night (we had met for only 5 minutes and found out we have a friend in common. Then I texted said mutual friend and made him give me hot dudes number): "Ryan Gosling's band is putting me to sleep. I make a great falling asleep mix. Shut up."

I'm available boys.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Boner of Yesteryear

Mickey Rourke. Yes he is a terrifying mutant now, but around 30 years ago, he looked like Stephen Dorff and Bruce Willis and Robert Downey Jr. had the unlikeliest of threesomes and produced this sexy mess. Who grew up to be crazy as a loon. All actors should try their hand at professional boxing at some point during their careers, that way I might actually be able to consider a weiner like Shia LeBoeuf a babe if I watched him give his all in the ring versus the dude from The Green Mile or some shit. He would lose the fight, but gain my respect.

But yeah, Mickey Rourke, let's build you and me a time machine. Although truth be told, I'd do it with his character in "Sin City" too.

Spirit Animal

The other day we were talking about spirit animals and when I said I didn't know what mine was, someone (French Canadian Tyler? Chris?) called bullshit. Apparently everyone is supposed to know what their spirit animal is... Right. So here are my options.

Grizzly Bear
I'm feeling the whole hibernation, live in Alaska, eat a shit-ton of salmon thing these guys have going on. Plus they're pretty grumpy. Me and the grizzly bear are sympatico.

These guys are wicked smaht. They talk to each other and like to play practical jokes. I brought my love for crows up the other day and Jenny said I was just saying that cause I loved the movie, The Crow. Also totally true! She got my number.


I have mixed feelings about this shit. When I was a kid I was chubs and some little bitches liked to call me "Shamoo" (which is maybe spelled "Shamu?"). It made young, fat Shanon cry. But I actually did enjoy Shamoo's shows at SeaWorld and when I saw real Orca's for the first time I almost peed myself I was so excited. These guys rule! So maybe this is one of those "getting something good out of something terrible" type situations. I dunno. But don't ever call me Shamoo. Seriously.

Things That Happened In/Near Canadiatown

As you may recall, last year Shanon & I each did our own recaps of our New Years adventures and so here is my recap, including some details Shanon conveniently "forgot."

1. Made out with a French Canadian. No duh this was going to happen. Put me in a house party and I will find the one giant that has lots of terrible tattoos, only has a job and a phone sometimes, and is probably bat-shit nuts. Some people call that a gift. Oh, and Shanon poured her drink down his buttcrack.

2. Made some new friends at a bar while Shanon & Nicky smoked a doob and took a bubble bath together in their underwear. Oh, and our gay friend sat and talked with them the whole time.

3. New friends we met at the bar came over to smoke a doob with me & Chris. Allegedly woke Shanon up at 3:30am with a raging debate over Scalloped Potatoes vs. Potatoes Au Gratin. (They are the same! Everyone wins.)

4. Last text I sent to Shanon in 2010 read, "I drew a dong on the cab window that's jizzing 2011."

5. Her first text to me of 2011 read, "Are you alive? You make out with that giant?"

6. When in Rome.

7. Made some stoney baloney driving art of my own. Mountains rule.

Boner Killer of the Day

There are some bonerkillers, like adults wearing overalls to the bar for instance, that simply make me think to myself, "Well, that's unfortunate" and I get on with my evening. But certain things that people choose to put on their bodies truly make me feel like a piece of my soul crumpled up and died. And one of them is grown people wearing knitted animal hats. I get that it's Wintertime and when you're freezing you really could not give a fuck how dumb you look, but that's not the case with these hats. What I think happens is people see a little kid pulling off this look and think they will look equally cute after strapping an adorable monkey or a scary tiger to their head. See below- cute!

Here is what happens when a grown man wears one. Scary on an entirely different level. These hats are not sexist either, as women look equally horrifying in them. I'm gonna go ahead and say that no one over the age of ten should attempt these and that if I were president, I'd make a rule saying just that. With a clause allowing egging and/or pantsing of all parties in violation.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Shannie's Music Poo Baw Whatever

Music talk time!

Here are some bands I think are gonna be just swell in 2011.

Lower Dens - look at how cute this video pic is!! These guys are from Brooklyn, ergo musical geniuses. Just learn to love them.

Suuns - They kind of sound like Clinic in this song, which is a-ok by me, but the rest of the album is pretty much a mind fuck. The good kind. And they're on Secretly Canadian soooo... obviously you have no choice but to like them.

Group Love - so cute!

Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All (OFWGKTA) - This crew is a bunch of little shit heads from LA. Seriously, I think Earl Sweatshirt is 15 and Tyler, The Creator is 18. But I'm diverse, you see. And I know my shit. They are bueno. Although to be fair they came into my office recently and I noticed 1) that their crew was probably the most black people that've ever been in this office, and 2) their manager is someone I have been intimate with. Several times.

Boner of the Day

Nicholas Hoult! About a boy, you say? More like about a man! Ok I couldn't keep a straight face while writing that and am basically crying over my desk right now. But real talk - I watched the first two seasons of Skins over the weekend and this kid is such a smokin hot asshole on the show. And sure, in one of these photos he's all "shhh don't tell anyone I like it up the bum," but I'd still hit it.

Thinks That Happened In (Or Near) Canada

Well hello! Been a while. That Jenny chick is making me look bad. Here are some things that happened on our vacation to Montreal.

1. Made out with a French Canadian. No duh this was going to happen. The funny thing is that he's a tour manager for some bands I like. Put me in a crowded bar and I will find the one dude that is in the music biz. Some people call that a gift.

2. Got super stoned and rode in the trunk of a car. That dumb blizzard messed up our traveling plans so we had to drive to Canada. It was crowded so I rode in the trunk part of the way. I got stoney baloney and started taking pics. Here is one I thought to be quite artistic. I call it "O Hai iPod."

3. Ate some Canadian bagels. These things are good! Way better than the stupid kind I get at La Bagel Delight. I was pretty drunk when we made a pit stop to buy a dozen. Luke and I were picking out cream cheese and the woman behind the counter goes "Oh! We have Philadelphia cream cheese if you want." My loud drunks response was "No no, we're AMERICAN."

4. Poured my drink down a French Canadians butt crack. Woopsies.

5. Ate mushrooms and went to a biodome. There were 4 different climates!

6. Ate this. And then subsequently went on the master cleanse after I returned home. My colon - much happier now.

7. Spent a magical evening in Schroon, NY. Luke and Cara's car broke down about 2 hours outside of Montreal. We ended up spending 23 hours at a B&B owned by a delightful hippy couple. Here's some original music from the husband who made us cookies.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I never really get behind new years resolutions, because if I feel changes need to be made, I just go balls out instead of weinering around until January 1st. Who am I kidding, I change for no one. But hey, swing for the fences, amiright? Here goes:

1. Don't eat so many cookies. If I had to put a number on the amount of cookies I ate in December, it would be in the 50-70 range and I don't need a Chinaman with an abacus to tell me that's about 40 too many. 2011 is all about no, or significantly fewer, cookies. And so far so good. Excluding the two I ate when our car broke down in the Adirondack mountains, which I am not counting because who knows what the fuck year it is there. My guess is 1978.

2. Refer to more people as; "babe" "chief" and "captain."

3. Not be so hard on people. Have I canceled a first date cause the dude texted me "LOL" before we went out? Who hasn't, but this year is all about giving people a chance. Which I genuinely attempted last night, right up until I asked the hot dude I was chatting with why he was dressed so fancy and he replied, "Because I truly think in my last life I was an assassin from the sixties." Sigh.

4. Never go to the bathroom with a coat on. Taking a page out of Chris's handbook on this one, after he said "Know what's the worst? Taking a poop with your coat on." And I couldn't agree more, except  having to sit down to pee equals twice the coat/bathroom dilemmas and I will stand for none of it. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

5. Repair things more. Maintenance is not my strong suit, but that was 2010 Jenny. In fact, after work today I am going to buy; a battery for my smoke alarm, glue for my shoes, and a lid for the toilet since the old one jumped ship about six months ago. No catching fire or hobo shoes for me. Sittin' pretty.

6. Not give a shit. 2010 = gave a shit. 2011 = no shits for no one. "People' and their "drama"? Not on my watch. I was gonna make this resolution Be Less of A Jerk, but that seemed très ambitious. Instead I'm just not gonna give one gahd damn. Yeah.

7. Wear slippers more.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Boner of the Day

Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck. Fuck? Or hate fuck.

(Shepard Fairey)

Holiday Movie Reviews

What else is there to do over the holidays besides eat and watch movies? Eat and watch movies stoned. But seriously, that's pretty much what Shanon and I did over Christmas and New Years, when we weren't making out with French-Canadians or battling blizzards and brokendown cars, that is. If my calculations are correct and they're probably not, we clocked in a solid 24 hours of movie watching (excluding Roseanne and Jersey Shore time). So I thought I'd put on my Siskel pants and my Ebert beret and review them all for you.

First up; on Christmas eve we ordered Easy A on demand, after I cracked the passcode for movie ordering that was put on the cable box after Shanon's old roomie ordered one too many pay per view pornos to watch on their couch. Gross. Anyway, that movie was all kinds of good! Amanda Bynes was in it and I used to have a girl crush on her when she was on that show "What I Like About You," but no mas. I think they tried to teach me a lesson at the end, but I am unclear about whether it was saying I should be abstaining or having more sex...Gonna go with the latter.

Interview With A Vampire. I forgot how chock full o' babes this movie is. And Kirsten Dunst, I turned to Shanon and said, "Man, I couldn't act like that was I was eleven, no way." Couldn't act my way out of a box.

Star Trek. (New one) I was on the fence about watching this, but then Shanon said, "Will you make all of my Christmas wishes come true and watch Star Trek??!?!" And I just couldn't bring myself to crush a nerd's dreams on Christmas, so I agreed. And I was into it, not gonna lie. Although, having never watched a single episode of the Trek myself, about a third of the way through I said, " why are they in space?" Shanon just looked at me and rolled her eyes.

MacGruber. The only funny part of this movie was that the villian's name was Cunth.

Exit Through the Gift Shop. Banksy gives himself a pretty big beej in this movie, which would make me more mad if I didn't want to repeatedly punch Mr. Brainwash in the head. Otherwise, not bad. And I kinda want to do Shepard Fairey? Yay street art.

Joan Rivers-Piece of Work. Seeing as I am more less a gay man, I loved this movie! Joan Rivers is nuts. And hilarious. I have never seen a comedian take down a heckler like she does. All the inappropriate jokes.

Anchor Man. If you can ask for anything more than what this movie provides, you are just being greedy.

Ocean's Eleven. Again, chock full of babes. More Brad Pitt! Julia Roberts is wack in this piece, but any movie that I would bone 5 out of the 11 main dudes gets a thumbs up in my book.

Ocean's Twelve. More Brad Pitt! Catherine Zeta Jones is wack in this piece, but any movie that I would bone 5 out of the 12 main dudes gets a thumbs up in my book.

Spy Game. More Brad Pitt! And sexy Boner of Yesteryear Robby Redford. Spies are cool.

War of the Worlds. Know what I can't deal with in movies, is little kids acting wise beyond their years. Enter Dakota Fanning. When I was 10 years old, I didn't go around saying shit about my brother to my Dad like, "That's not the way to get close to him, tell him how you feel or you'll only end up pushing him further away." I was discussing The Simpsons and riding my bike to the 7-11 to buy candy and X-Men trading cards. And beating up kids like Dakota Fanning.

An Education. While watching this, I texted Andrew, "I like this movie cuz the dude's bangin' and the girl's name is Jenny." And that about sums it up.