Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Holiday Movie Reviews

What else is there to do over the holidays besides eat and watch movies? Eat and watch movies stoned. But seriously, that's pretty much what Shanon and I did over Christmas and New Years, when we weren't making out with French-Canadians or battling blizzards and brokendown cars, that is. If my calculations are correct and they're probably not, we clocked in a solid 24 hours of movie watching (excluding Roseanne and Jersey Shore time). So I thought I'd put on my Siskel pants and my Ebert beret and review them all for you.

First up; on Christmas eve we ordered Easy A on demand, after I cracked the passcode for movie ordering that was put on the cable box after Shanon's old roomie ordered one too many pay per view pornos to watch on their couch. Gross. Anyway, that movie was all kinds of good! Amanda Bynes was in it and I used to have a girl crush on her when she was on that show "What I Like About You," but no mas. I think they tried to teach me a lesson at the end, but I am unclear about whether it was saying I should be abstaining or having more sex...Gonna go with the latter.

Interview With A Vampire. I forgot how chock full o' babes this movie is. And Kirsten Dunst, I turned to Shanon and said, "Man, I couldn't act like that was I was eleven, no way." Couldn't act my way out of a box.

Star Trek. (New one) I was on the fence about watching this, but then Shanon said, "Will you make all of my Christmas wishes come true and watch Star Trek??!?!" And I just couldn't bring myself to crush a nerd's dreams on Christmas, so I agreed. And I was into it, not gonna lie. Although, having never watched a single episode of the Trek myself, about a third of the way through I said, " why are they in space?" Shanon just looked at me and rolled her eyes.

MacGruber. The only funny part of this movie was that the villian's name was Cunth.

Exit Through the Gift Shop. Banksy gives himself a pretty big beej in this movie, which would make me more mad if I didn't want to repeatedly punch Mr. Brainwash in the head. Otherwise, not bad. And I kinda want to do Shepard Fairey? Yay street art.

Joan Rivers-Piece of Work. Seeing as I am more less a gay man, I loved this movie! Joan Rivers is nuts. And hilarious. I have never seen a comedian take down a heckler like she does. All the inappropriate jokes.

Anchor Man. If you can ask for anything more than what this movie provides, you are just being greedy.

Ocean's Eleven. Again, chock full of babes. More Brad Pitt! Julia Roberts is wack in this piece, but any movie that I would bone 5 out of the 11 main dudes gets a thumbs up in my book.

Ocean's Twelve. More Brad Pitt! Catherine Zeta Jones is wack in this piece, but any movie that I would bone 5 out of the 12 main dudes gets a thumbs up in my book.

Spy Game. More Brad Pitt! And sexy Boner of Yesteryear Robby Redford. Spies are cool.

War of the Worlds. Know what I can't deal with in movies, is little kids acting wise beyond their years. Enter Dakota Fanning. When I was 10 years old, I didn't go around saying shit about my brother to my Dad like, "That's not the way to get close to him, tell him how you feel or you'll only end up pushing him further away." I was discussing The Simpsons and riding my bike to the 7-11 to buy candy and X-Men trading cards. And beating up kids like Dakota Fanning.

An Education. While watching this, I texted Andrew, "I like this movie cuz the dude's bangin' and the girl's name is Jenny." And that about sums it up.

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