When you're a little kid, you know how you have these notions in your head that you just think will automatically happen one day? Here are some of my yet to be realized childhood presumptions.
Would have been on (and won) The Price Is Right. Watching this show was my favorite part about staying home from school when I was sick. I cared not about winning a curio case to store my Hummel collection, but that was just a stepping stone on the way to the Winnebago I would obvy win in the showcase showdown and then park in my parents driveway to live in, when I wasn't having cross country adventures, that is. The closest I came to being on that show was playing Gandy's plinko set he bought on eBay. But between this and Supermarket Sweep, I probably knew more about grocery prices than a coupon-clipping single mother of four.
Would be living in a hotel. I blame this on that bitch Eloise and those kids books about her living at the Plaza. But damn, how much easier would my life be if I were heir to a hotel empire. This would enable me to live out my crazy rich person fantasy of sleeping on fresh sheets every night and I could also fulfill my new resolution to get served breakfast in bed more, without having to deal with crumbs in the sheets for days because I'm too lazy to change them. Too bad the last hotel I stayed at was in Albany and so ghetto that it somehow snowed INSIDE our room.
Would have a video on America's Funniest Home Videos. What kid didn't watch Bob Sagat announce the winner of that sweet $10,000 prize and think to themself "What a gyp, this is so rigged" because you know in your head you were thinking they only gave it to that stupid video about the laughing baby because the family is from Podunk, Alabama and now maybe the kid will have a college fund or at least a sweet new ATV, but really the dude getting hit in the nuts with a wiffle bat was way funnier and as soon as I get a video camera I'm gonna make a video so amazing that it will HAVE to win. By now I at least thought I'd have captured one of Shanon's hilarious tooth-losing mishaps or even when she dropped the entire Thanksgiving turkey onto her legs, but the best I've gotten so far is us drunk and eating pizza while dancing.
Would have a song written for me. Making "beautiful music" with dudes in bands is really more up Shanon's alley (see what I did there) than mine, but I'm seriously considering becoming a groupie because I definitely assumed I'd have at least one song written for me by now. Especially since all the songs about Jennys are terrible. Not that I don't enjoy giving out 867-5309 as my number to drunk dudes, because that shit never gets old, but let's face facts, that song is about a man struggling over whether or not to call a hooker.