Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Disney Villians, A Boning Breakdown

Jafar. Guys with goatees, ugh. Think I'd rather do it with a giant blue genie who has the voice of Robin Williams than Jafar.

Ursula. Hell naw. Even if she did manage to steal the voice of a high-maintenance babe like Ariel, it still wouldn't make me want to octo-scissor with Big Urs. But what I really don't get is, if she can take the shape of an attractive woman to trick a prince into marrying her anytime she pleases, why does she choose to kick it in the form of my high school gym teacher instead. Riddle me that.

Scar. We all have an "Uncle Scar" who never got married and lives with his "friend" Sam in San Francisco where they own a flower shop  That being said, if he weren't a mo, he'd have to call the pussy patrol to beat the ladies away with a stick with bedroom eyes like that.

Cruella De Ville. I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking the curtains match the drapes?

Gaston. Sure, he has two strikes against him; being French and extremely full of himself (so really just "extra-French") and if I were a betting woman, would put all my money on him being a date rapist, but that being said, yes please. With guns like those, even the ponytail gets a free pass.

Stromboli. Umm, of course he was stoked when Pinocchio became a "real boy." Who wants a chubby full of splinters.

Siamese Cats. Are these guys even villains? I think they're just cats being cats, aka slightly evil at all times. But everyone's got a doin it with twins fantasy buried deep down somewhere amiright? No? Just me? Shrug.

Prince John. I'd be more into the John if Robin Hood wasn't literally such a fox.
Sidebar: Hey Disney, cool it with the evil snake sidekicks. We get it.

Mad Hatter/Caterpillar/Queen of Hearts/Cheshire Cat. Man, everyone is out to get this bitch Alice, huh. Don't the flowers even try and mess with her? She's a girl after my own heart; eating strange cakes that make you feel funny and drinking mystery beverages because the label tells you to, why does everyone gotta hate. In this sitch though, I think what's best is to kick that grinning cat in the junk, ace the Queen of Hearts, steal the caterpillar's drugs and go get weird with the Mad Hatter. Craziest ones are always the best in the sack. It's science.


  1. umm. so. just stumbled upon (literally) your blog and i now have a big stinky crush on you. congratulations.

  2. I second jenes motion. (that could be or not be looked at as dirty) HIGHlarious blog!